


Don't Let Me Go

by fuckboydirection



Series: Let Me Be Easy To Love [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Childbirth, Kid Fic, M/M, Unplanned Pregnancy, but everything is going to work out in the end I promise, loads of angst and crying, not gonna lie this is going to be very emotional
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2018-02-27 03:50:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 77,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2677949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckboydirection/pseuds/fuckboydirection
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<strong>family</strong>:</p><ol>
<li>a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage</li>
<li>the children of a person or couple</li>
<li>a person or people related to one another and so to be treated with a special loyalty or intimacy '<em>I could not turn him away, for he was <strong>family</strong>'"</em>
</li>
</ol><p>Does marrying someone make them family? Does having a child with someone make them family? Or is just loving someone enough to make them family? When exactly does someone cross the threshold of stranger/lover/friend and become family?</p><p>There are many lies, many secrets, many tears shed, and a lot of pain that will unfold over the course of this journey of discovery for these seven people as they are all pushed to their limits and forced to define for themselves what it truly means to love, to sacrifice, and to be a family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Night One: The Admission

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the third and final installment in the "Let Me Be Easy to Love" series. Thanks for reading this far and I hope you'll enjoy this one last go around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a continuation of the last scene of the final chapter of the previous work in the series, "Lightning in a Bottle". It occurs on the same night immediately following Ellie's startling revelation to Niall that she's pregnant.

“What?” Niall retorted automatically without thinking after Ellie’s revelation as he slid down against the wall.

“I’m sorry, Niall. I really am,” Ellie apologized into the phone quietly.

“But how can you be so sure that it’s mine though? We haven’t fucked in months, Ellie,” Niall asked, raking a hand through his hair and tugging at the ends to make himself feel something and assure he was in fact awake and not in some horrific nightmare.

“Oh my God, you know what, I knew I shouldn’t have bloody told you,” Ellie spat, her sudden rage startling Niall.

“No, Ellie-“ Niall tried, “I didn’t mean-“

“You didn’t mean what, Niall?” Ellie asked.

“Ellie, I just- you have to understand how this is for me right now. I’m married. _Newly_ married. To _Zayn_. We, I can’t-. How the fuck do I explain this?” Niall asked desperately.

“Well I guess you’ll just have to bloody figure it out then, innit?” Ellie snapped.

“Why are you getting so angry?” Niall asked.

“You implied that I’m a bloody slag, Niall and you’re making this all about you. You’re not the one who’s bloody pregnant! You think I want this anymore than you do?” Ellie rebuked.

“I’m sorry,” Niall apologized, “But it’s shocking to have someone you haven’t slept with in months call you to tell you she’s bloody pregnant and it’s yours, El.”

“I found out two months ago,” Ellie declared.

“You what?” Niall scoffed, “Well why the hell didn’t you tell me two months ago?”

“Because I wasn’t going to tell you at all!” Ellie answered.

A sudden wave of anger and frustration  washed over Niall which made him have to take a breath before he responded. “So why are you telling me now then? And if you’re so sure this baby is mine, why wouldn’t you have told me? And if it was mine how could you have only found out two months ago when we haven’t been together for much longer than that? This isn’t making any sense, Ellie,” Niall tried his best to sound calm though he was feeling hot and sick.

“I was already four months pregnant when I found out,” Ellie started, “I had my suspicions but I wasn’t completely sure and I was _scared_ , ok? I didn’t _want_ to know. I didn’t _want_ this, Niall; that’s the part I don’t think you understand. I know it’s yours because you were the only person I was with during that time and I didn’t start seeing Ed until a month after that.

 I didn’t want to tell you before because I knew everything was falling into place for you and I didn’t want to ruin that and I had a plan of my own for how to deal with all of this but things have changed now and I can’t do this by myself anymore, Niall. I need you,” Ellie’s voice broke and it made Niall’s throat tighten.

He ran a hand through his hair again and tried his best to breathe but the world was spinning a million miles an hour around him and he felt like he was going to be sick at any moment. “What do you need?” Niall managed to ask when he regained his ability to speak.

Niall could hear the sharp deep breath Ellie took in before she spoke her next words, “I need a place to kip for a bit.”

“What?” Niall asked before he could fully process her words.

“I know it’s asking for a lot but I have nowhere to go, Niall. I gave up my flat when I moved in with Ed but he’s reached his max with this whole situation and I can’t stay here. Please, I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t really need this,” Ellie plead and Niall shut his eyes and sighed.

“Oh god,” Niall groaned and he could feel his eyes starting to water, “Zayn’s going to do my fucking head in.”

“Niall,” Ellie said softly.

“God, well I can’t say no but what am I supposed to say to him, Ellie? How do I explain this, I- God. God, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna say?” Niall panicked.

“Niall,” Ellie repeated in a gentle voice and the door opened behind him.

“What are you doing?” Harry asked, “You can’t just hide out here, Niall. Get your ass inside.”

“Go away,” Niall muttered before he returned to his conversation with Ellie, “Christ, I have to go okay but just- I need-,” he let out a hard sigh, “I need time to get all of this figured out, ok. Just- I’ll call you again in the morning,” and then he hung up.

“You’ll call who in the morning?” Harry asked as he walked closer to him and looked down at Niall skeptically.

“I said go away, Harry,” Niall repeated but Harry looked at him closer and saw how red his face was despite the darkness of the night and his face softened.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, his voice soothing now instead of scathing.

“Please,” Niall whispered and bit his lip but Harry sank down in front of him and put his hands on Niall’s knees.

“Talk to me, Ni. Tell me what’s wrong,” Harry encouraged him as he rubbed his thumb over Niall’s knee and Niall pulled at his shirt to wipe his cheeks.

“I need to talk to Zayn,” was all Niall responded with and Harry nodded before he pat Niall’s knee and went back inside to retrieve his husband.

“Niall? Niall,” Zayn rushed to where he was sitting on the ground as soon as he opened the door and wrapped Niall’s trembling body in his arms.

As soon as he was in Zayn’s embrace, Niall let himself fall apart. He shook as he cried harder than he could remember crying in a long time while Zayn just held him as he pushed his hair back and pressed kisses to his temples and his cheeks until his racking sobs trickled down to just sad little sniffles and Niall could breathe properly again.

“What’s wrong?” Zayn asked, worry etched into his face and it made Niall so sick to see how concerned Zayn was about him; how in love he was with Niall and how that was all about to change.

Niall shook his head as he opened his mouth to speak and more tears leaked from his eyes, Zayn wiping them away with the pads of his thumb as he nodded for Niall to go on but all he could say was “Zayn”.

“I’m right here, babe. Talk to me, tell me what’s wrong,” he soothed him gently and Niall bit his lip. Zayn held his hand with one of his own and used the other to rub his thumb along Niall’s cheek soothingly until Niall tried to speak again.

“I’m so sorry,” was all he could whisper and Zayn’s thumb paused.

“For what?” Zayn whispered back and he sounded genuinely afraid of whatever Niall was going to say next.

Niall started to cry again and then it came out.

“Ellie’s pregnant.”

“Ok,” Zayn stammered, a puzzled look on his face, “But what does that have to do with you?”

“It’s mine,” Niall said softly  and it crushed him to see the expression on Zayn’s face in the exact moment that his view of Niall would change irreversibly.

Zayn let out a little breath of exasperation as he took his hands away, stood, and backed away from Niall as if he’d just been struck. He let out a few more breaths of disbelief as he ran his hands through his hair before his face fell and he started to gasp like he was about to have a panic attack.

“Zayn,” Niall whispered but Zayn shook his head.

“No,” Zayn said, his voice rough and heavy as he continued to shake his head and went back inside, slamming the door behind him.

“Zayn!” Niall yelled as he followed him inside.

“What’s going on?” Liam asked from where he and the boys were still waiting around in the living room but Niall ignored them as he followed Zayn down the hall.

“Zayn!” Niall yelled but Zayn went into their bedroom and slammed the door in his face anyways.

“Go away, Niall! Go! Just fucking go!” Zayn yelled through the door. Niall could hear the tears in his voice and it ripped his heart to shreds to know that he’d been the one to cause them.

“Open the door, Zayn!” Niall jiggled the knob aggressively but it was pointless because Zayn had locked it.

“Leave! Fucking go, Niall!” Zayn yelled back.

“Zayn, please! Please just let me in. Talk to me,” Niall pled as he sank down against the door. He could hear Zayn walking back and forth inside and the sound of him panting like he was trying his best to calm down but it clearly didn’t work  because the next sound Niall heard was that of Zayn’s hand going through the back wall beside their bed and Niall’s blood ran cold with fear, “Zayn, fucking stop! Open the door right now!”

Niall could hear the sharp wince Zayn took as he came closer to the door before he paused and opened it, his lip between his teeth, head hung, and his knuckles bloody.

“Zayn,” Niall whispered sharply as he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him, Zayn flinching away from him before he walked away to sit on the bed.

Niall looked at the gaping hole in the wall and then at Zayn before he opened the door again to go down the hall to get a wet washcloth and frozen peas from the kitchen for Zayn’s hand, the flat now startlingly barren and quite since the other boys had cleared out.

When Niall walked back into their room, Zayn was still just sitting on the bed motionless, his hands gripping onto their sheets so tightly that his blood was dripping down from his bleeding hand and his other knuckles were going white.

Niall sat down beside him on the bed and picked up his bloody hand. Zayn tried to rip it away but Niall held it even more tightly as he pressed down on the gashes with the washcloth.

“You don’t hurt yourself when you’re mad at me,” Niall asserted as he cleaned up Zayn’s hand, “Hit _me_. Yell at me. Scream at _me_. Do whatever you have to but don’t you dare fucking hurt yourself when you’re mad at me, Zayn Malik.”

Zayn held his face in a scarily zoned pout for so long that Niall almost thought that Zayn wasn’t going to respond but then he muttered, “You know I could never hit you.” He turned to finally look at Niall as he wrapped the washcloth around his knuckles so tight that Niall was sure that it must have been stinging him but he resisted the urge to try to stop him. “Even though I’m furious with you, even though I want to hate you so much right now, I could never hit you, Niall.”

Niall was the one to look away first as he stared at his own pale and shaking hands in his lap before he chanced a glance at the disapproving, clenched jaw, tight glare that Zayn was giving him, “Can we talk about this?”

“Did you cheat on me?” was the first thing that came from Zayn’s lips and it definitely hadn’t been the first question Niall had expected Zayn to ask out of all of his options.

“No,” Niall shot back immediately, “Of course not, Zayn. No, you know that. You know I’d never cheat on you.”

“But do I though?” Zayn asked, “Do I really know that?” Niall folded his face in hurt and anger but Zayn held his ground as he stood up and stated pacing. “Because I thought I knew you before. I thought I could trust you, but I was wrong so no, I don’t know that for certain. Not anymore.”

“Stop,” Niall whispered.

“I thought I could trust you to be the one person who wouldn’t hurt me but-“

“Stop,” Niall repeated louder this time as he shot up from the bed.

“I _trusted_ you!” Zayn yelled as his tears broke through again.

“I didn’t cheat on you, Zayn! She’s six months pregnant. This happened before us, before all of this!” Niall yelled back at him but it did nothing to remove the look of betrayal splayed across Zayn’s face.

Zayn let out a rough sigh as he rested his head on the wall before he turned and sank down against it. Niall walked over beside him and hesitated before he sat down next to him.

“What are we gonna do?” Zayn murmured hopelessly.

“I don’t know,” Niall said, as equally resigned, “But I hope there still is a _‘we’_.” Zayn turned to look at him but he didn’t speak, just stared. “I can’t do this without you, Zayn. I need you,” Niall pled.

“Well I haven’t got much of a choice now, do I?” Zayn answered and Niall wasn’t sure if he was saying it sarcastically or bitterly.

Niall took in a deep breath before he went on to drop the next bomb, “She also needs somewhere to stay.”

The face Zayn made in response, the mix of disbelief, shock, and disgust was one of the scariest Niall had ever seen and despite his previous words he was a bit nervous that Zayn was actually going to sock him, “You’re joking.”

“I really wish I was,” Niall said and Zayn shook his head.

“I cannot _fucking_ believe this,” he rose to his feet and started pacing in front of Niall again, “First she’s pregnant but wait there’s more! Now she wants to live here too! Is she going to expect you to marry her next too?”

“Her boyfriend broke up with her and she doesn’t have a flat anymore, Zayn. She’s carrying my kid, we can’t just leave her out on the street,” Niall said defensively.

“Well I don’t fucking blame him!” Zayn said and Niall leaned back in shock.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Niall asked, offense thick in his voice. Zayn narrowed his eyes at Niall but gave no verbal response, “Answer me, Zayn. Are you suggesting you’d leave me too?”

“Those were your words not mine,” Zayn murmured as he stopped pacing for a moment.

“What happened to ‘for now and forever’ huh?” Niall asked as he got up and walked over to the nightstand where their sticky note vows were, “What happened to not running away?”

“Don’t pull that on me, Niall,” Zayn argued, “That was before.”

“It doesn’t fucking matter!” Niall yelled at him, “You made a promise! You made a fucking vow, Zayn!”

“I made a promise to marry _you,_ not you and Ellie and your ‘baby’,” Zayn put ‘baby’ in air quotes, only infuriating Niall more.

“Are you saying you don’t want me anymore then? Huh? Are you saying this was all for nothing? This,” he pointed to where their matching tattoo was on his chest, “Doesn’t mean anything anymore?”

Zayn clenched his trembling jaw and glared at him so hard Niall knew if looks could kill he would have fallen to the floor within an instant. They were still for a moment, just glaring at each other before Zayn started moving quickly to put on clothes.

“What are you doing?” Niall asked him angrily as Zayn pulled off his sweats to put on a pair of jeans but Zayn ignored him as he proceeded to pull on a jumper. “Answer me,” Niall yelled when Zayn grabbed a coat from the closet.

 “Fucking answer me, Zayn!”

“You’re not leaving me!”

“Stop!”

Niall kept yelling at an unresponsive Zayn as he continued to dress himself until his screams weakened into helpless pleas and Zayn finally looked at him.

“Please don’t go,” Niall sniffed as more tears started to fall and Zayn’s face softened with mutual hurt and resignation, “I can’t do this by myself, Zayn.”

Zayn let out a deep sigh as he walked closer and finally pulled Niall into his arms again, “I need you, Zayn. I need to know that you still love me. I need to know that this won’t break us. I need to know that I still have you. Because if I don’t- if I don’t- I can’t- I can’t do this,” Niall stammered and shook his head into Zayn’s shoulder, “I can’t do this without you, Zayn. I can’t do this alone.”

Zayn didn’t say anything but he didn’t let go of Niall either. He put his own wet face down on Niall’s blonde hair and cried because he knew things weren’t going to be the same from here on out. He wanted to promise Niall that this wouldn’t change things, how he felt, how they were. But he couldn’t.


	2. The Day After

Niall called Ellie the next morning like he said he would and they decided that she would move in on Wednesday. The arrangement would be temporary, only meant to last long enough for Ellie to find a place of her own for her and the baby and then she’d be out. The conversation was short but Zayn had still insisted on being out of the room while they talked. He assured Niall that he was fine, he just wanted a smoke and that he’d make them some tea and toast while he waited for the conversation to be over.

Zayn was sitting against the wall with his cigarette long since ashed with his face pressed into his knees and the sun beating down on the top of his beanie by the time Niall had stepped out onto the back patio. Niall immediately sank down against the wall beside him and wrapped his arms around Zayn’s shoulders to let him know that he was there. Zayn didn’t say anything, just rested his head on Niall’s shoulder and Niall pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“Y’ alright?” Niall asked him gently as he scratched up and down his back softly.

Zayn shrugged and sighed, “Fine enough I suppose. How are you?”

“Worried. Scared. Anxious,” Niall told him honestly and rested his chin on top of Zayn’s beanie.

“Conversation with Ellie not go so well?” Zayn asked, though he didn’t particularly care if he was being honest with himself.

“The conversation was ok but that’s not who I’m worried about, Zayn,” Niall told him and then he pulled away to look into Zayn’s eyes. They were that nice light hazel with a glint of green mix that Zayn always got when he was out in the sun without sunnies. They looked good, but they weren’t as bright as they should have been and turned down at the corners and spoke more honestly than Zayn was willing to.

“I’m fine,” Zayn insisted with a plastered on smile that Niall saw right through and his concerned frown deepened even more. Niall tried to search his face for what Zayn wouldn’t tell him and Zayn watched his eyes without saying anything else, instead he just reached out his hand to hold Niall’s and gave it a light squeeze. Niall looked into his eyes again, his silently pleading for Zayn to be honest before he just pulled Zayn back under his arm to hold him tightly.

“Please just tell me if you’re not, Zayn. I know you hate talking about how you feel but I need to know that you’re ok. I don’t want you to deal with this on your own,” Niall told him as he pressed his face into Zayn’s raven hair and Zayn looked off into the distance in front of him.

Zayn let out a deep sigh before he cupped Niall’s hands in his. “You know this was my worst nightmare in a way,” he admitted and Niall closed his eyes with guilt, “But I’m trying my best to deal with it. Even if it’s everything I’ve always been afraid of, I don’t want you to have to go through this alone. I think we’ll be ok if we do this together. But you have to promise me that we’re in this together.”

“Of course,” Niall furrowed his brows in confusion even though Zayn was still looking off and not up at him.

“You have to promise me that you’re still going to love me,” Zayn tipped his chin up to look at Niall and Niall looked down at him, “That you’re not going to fall in love with Ellie and leave me.”

“Never,” Niall whispered and moved one of his hands from Zayn’s to cup his cheek.

“Say it, Niall,” Zayn directed him as he twisted away so that he was sitting up and Niall was still holding his hand but they could look into each other’s eyes.

“I promise you that I will always love you,” Niall vowed with every breath of honesty he had in his body as he rubbed his thumb over Zayn’s cheekbone, “I promise that I will always want you and that I will not leave you, Zayn. I promise that we are now and forever and that we are going to be ok and we are going to make it out of this together. I love you, Zayn. For now and forever.”

“Ok,” Zayn nodded and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

“But I need you to promise me something too,” Niall squeezed his hand and Zayn nodded again. “I need you to promise me that you’ll talk to me when things aren’t ok, when things are too much. I need you to promise me that you’ll trust me and that you won’t give up on us even when it’s dark and scary. I need you to promise me that you’re going to fight this with me just as hard as I am because I can’t do this if you’re not with me on it, Zayn. I can’t fight for us if there isn’t an ‘us’. Can you promise me that, babe?”

Zayn nodded and Niall squeezed his hand again, “I promise that I’ll be open and that I’ll trust you. I promise that I’ll fight for us and that I won’t give up. I promise that I’m going to love you now and that I’m going to love you forever.”

Niall nodded and enveloped him in a long hug until Zayn heard his stomach grumble and they broke apart with both of them laughing.

“Hungry?” Zayn smiled as he pushed under his glossy eyes and Niall smiled back at him as he nodded.

Zayn stood and wiped his hands off on his trackies before he extended his hand to help Niall up. Niall stood and Zayn wrapped his arm around Niall to lead him inside to the kitchen where Zayn started a kettle of water to boil on the stove and Niall hopped up to sit on the counter. Zayn took a few slices of bread from the bread box and slid them in the toaster before he turned to rest against the island and looked up at where Niall was smiling down at him.

“What?” Zayn asked though he couldn’t help but smile back as he looked up at the way Niall looked so tiny with his ankles hooked around each other and that soft grin on his lips that was reserved just for Zayn.

“I’m just glad we’re ok,” Niall told him and opened his arms and legs for Zayn to step into. Zayn obliged and wrapped his arms around the small of Niall’s back while Niall wrapped his legs around Zayn’s waist and Zayn buried his face into Niall’s neck. Niall ran his fingers in the hair at the base of Zayn’s neck, tugging gently before Zayn tipped his chin up slightly and Niall leaned down to connect their lips.

The kiss was soft at first, starting out gently with no intentions but it deepened quickly with Niall slipping his tongue into Zayn’s mouth and Zayn nipping gently at Niall’s pink lips. Before they knew it, Zayn was hauling Niall up into his arms with his hands cupping Niall’s bum and Niall wrapping his arms around Zayn’s neck as he walked them back down the hall toward their room.

Zayn kicked the door shut behind them before he walked to the bed and laid Niall down though Niall kept his arms around Zayn’s neck and his lips locked on Zayn’s. Niall let out a soft gasp when Zayn pulled away from his mouth to start sucking deep possessive marks down the column of his neck but he didn’t prostest, just rolled his blonde hair back into the comforter and ground his hips up towards Zayn’s to generate some friction between them. Zayn kept his lips on Niall as he fished a hand through the drawer of their nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube.

Niall was tight when Zayn pressed his first slicked up finger in and Niall instinctively raised his hips up from the mattress in search of more. Zayn wasn’t wearing a shirt and his beanie had long since slipped off from his head so all Niall could take hold of was the waistband of Zayn’s track bottoms. He took hold of the fabric and twisted it in his fist as he turned his face to the side and Zayn continued to deepen the crimson and violet lovebites that were starting to loom a trail over Niall’s pale porcelain skin. The moans Niall let slip from his lips when Zayn slipped in the second and third fingers and started scissoring Niall open were enough to rouse Zayn’s cock from semi hard to fully erect and tent his bottoms so noticeably that Niall pushes the pants down so that Zayn’s dick was free to bounce and hit his stomach upon its release.

“More, want you,” Niall demanded as he pulled Zayn back down with a gentle hand on the back of his neck and Zayn stepped out from where the joggers had pooled around his ankles.

Zayn nodded, taking in the way that Niall’s pale blue irises had been waned almost completely by his dilated pupils. Niall locked their lips again, catching Zayn’s plush bottom one between the both of his own as Zayn worked a palm full of lube down his already leaking cock and slowly pressed himself inside of Niall.

The whine that Niall let out was a mix of both pleasure and pain but Zayn swallowed it down as he pushed past it to the spot of Niall’s that would leave him in utter bliss. The moments they shared like this, where they were both in a state of complete euphoria, connected and one, was enough to make everything else that was going on slip away. This was something that no one was ever going to be able to take from them. No one knew Niall’s spot deep inside like Zayn did. No one knew where to tug Zayn’s hair or press their fingertips into his back like Niall did. No one knew how their tattoos aligned like stars in a perfect night sky when they fucked like this. No one knew except for them and even when things changed in three days, no one, not even Ellie, was ever going to be able to take it from them.

Zayn’s thrusts were as gentle as the kisses that he pressed into Niall’s skin as he stroked Niall off and the “I love you’s”, the “mine’s” and the soft chorus of Niall’s name that he whispered that were only meant for Niall’s ears. Niall’s touch on Zayn’s back and the hand he had wrapped around Zayn’s over his cock was just as light, the “I love you more’s”, the “yours and only yours” and “Zayn’s” in response just as soft.

They kept going like this, soft and gentle, long after the toast in the toaster had dinged and popped out and the kettle had started to whistle. They kept going until Zayn came, leaving a feeling of wet heat inside of Niall at the same instant that Niall had spurt all over Zayn’s hand and stomach. Zayn gave him one last gentle kiss to his lips and a trail down his chest before he backed away but Niall pulled him down for one more.

“Shower,” Niall mumbled against his mouth and rubbed his thumb over the feather of the bird tattooed on the back of Zayn’s neck.

“Breakfast, babe,” Zayn mumbled back though his hands had drifted back down to their place on Niall’s waist.

“Breakfast after. Shower with me,” Niall murmured against his cheek and Zayn keened into his lips. He lifted Niall up once more and walked down the hall to the bathroom, putting Niall down on the counter of the sink. He turned on the tap for the shower before he gave Niall a kiss and slipped out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Niall couldn’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment as the steam started to rise from where the water was rushing into the tub but he climbed in alone and walked towards the back of the shower, resting his forehead against the cool tile panel of the wall. He raised one arm up to rest on the wall under his eyes and scratched at the tile with the fingertips of the other as he could feel the tears starting to swell in his eyes.

Zayn had promised him that he was ok, that they were ok but he knew that Zayn was only doing his best to grin and bear it for as long as he could. Niall knew Zayn hadn’t been exaggerating earlier when he’d told Niall that this was his worst fear coming true and he was so thankful that Zayn hadn’t left him yet but he couldn’t help the overwhelming feeling crushing him that their days were numbered. The kisses, the gentle touches, the “I love you”s would be gone soon and Niall would have no one to blame but himself. He wouldn’t, he couldn’t blame Zayn for leaving him. He could only cherish every moment he had left now so that he’d have something to hold on to when Zayn left.

And then his mind drifted to Ellie. He’d always cared for Ellie. They didn’t make love the way that he and Zayn did but her touch was always gentle, the kisses were soft, and he knew there’d always been more there than either of them would have ever let themselves admit. He didn’t let himself fall for her, he knew it wouldn’t have been fair to Zayn even though they weren’t exclusive at the time, but he knew at the end of the day if he hadn’t have been with Zayn, he most likely would have ended up with Ellie. She was everything he looked for in a girl before Zayn, everything he would have looked for in a wife and a mother to his child.

Except now he was getting all of it. He had Zayn and now he would have Ellie and the child of his own that he’d always wanted too. He was getting it all but it was suddenly too much for him to bear. It was all he’d ever thought that he wanted but he’d never wanted it like this. Not when getting everything he wanted meant that he’d have to watch Zayn slowly slip away from him in the process. He didn’t want it anymore, not like this, not if it meant having to sacrifice Zayn. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t know how to keep his marriage from falling apart. He didn’t know the first thing about being a father. He didn’t know a bloody fucking thing and soon he was going to be forced to figure it all out on his own.

He didn’t know that Zayn had come back into the bathroom until soft hands were rubbing down the sides of his ribs and Zayn was pressing a gentle kiss to the back of his neck.

“You ok?” Zayn asked softly as he turned Niall around in his arms to pull him flush against the wet skin of his chest.

“I’m ok,” Niall nodded against him.

“You sure?” Zayn tipped his chin up with his thumb so that Niall was looking into his eyes.

“No,” Niall admitted softly and Zayn nodded.

“I figured as much,” Zayn said as he turned Niall around again and pumped shampoo into his hands, “Talk to me.”

“I just don’t know what I’m gonna do, Z,” Niall sighed as Zayn lathered up the soap in his hands and massaged his fingers into Niall’s scalp.

“It’s ok, Ni. You don’t have to have it all figured out right this moment. No one expects you to,” Zayn told him and pressed a comforting kiss to the shell of his ear.

“I’m gonna be a dad, Zayn. A bloody father,” Niall said quietly and Zayn nodded understandingly.

“It’s all you’ve ever wanted, Ni, and you’re getting it,” Zayn told him with a small smile because it was all that he could manage without his face breaking and showing the true emotion blistering under his skin which was anything but happy.

“But what if I don’t want it anymore?” Niall asked him quietly, his eyes wide with concern and fear as he turned to look at Zayn.

Zayn didn’t know what to say. All he could do was tip Niall’s head back under the water to rinse the suds from his hair before he lathered up his own.

“It’s gonna be ok,” was all Zayn could say as he switched spots with Niall to rinse the shampoo from his own hair, “I love you and you love me and as long as we still have that, everything else will just fall into place.”

Niall wanted to believe that it would work out just simple like that, that he would be strong enough to manage this, that Zayn would be strong enough, but he couldn’t help the doubt that seethed underneath his skin that Zayn was only waiting for the other shoe to drop before he broke.

 

Zayn and Niall decided during breakfast that they would tell their parents in the afternoon and the boys that night so that they could get the last of the difficult conversations over with.

They agreed to FaceTime Zayn’s mum first and the call was answered on the second ring but they were met with Safaa instead of Patricia.

“Saf bebz, what are you doing on Mummy’s phone?” Zayn asked her, his Bradford accent coming in thick and fond spilling all over his face as he talked to his little sister. Niall’s stomach couldn’t help but twist with the tiny bit of guilty hope that Zayn would talk to his baby like that one day if he didn’t resent it too much.

“Mummy’s cooking dinner, Zaynie. She told me to answer her phone for her,” Safaa told him like he should have known already and he should’ve because his mum always cooked a proper supper on Sundays. “Hi, Niall!”

“Hi my little flower girl. How’re you doing?” Niall asked and Zayn smiled at him. He’d always loved how well Niall had gotten on with his sisters, especially Safaa.

“I’m ok. Are you ok?” She asked and Niall nodded in response.

“Me and Zaynie are good,” he hooked his arm around Zayn’s shoulders and gave him a little kiss on the cheek and she cooed an ‘aw’ at them, “But we really needed to talk to your mum about something.”

“Is it bad? Are you in trouble?” Safaa asked, her little eyebrows knotting together with concern the same way that her brother’s did as she got up from her chair at the table and started walking towards the kitchen where her mum was.

“No bebz, we’re ok,” Zayn assured her as he could see his mum coming into view on the screen, “Just need to talk to Mummy.”

“Need to talk to Mummy about what?” His mum asked as she chopped some onions.

“Hey mum,” he said, the cheer dropping from his voice almost immediately and both she and Niall picked up on it. Niall turned to look at him and he could already see the tears starting to well in Zayn’s eyes. He put a soft hand on the small of his back.

“Zayn, baby, are you alright?” She asked, instantly putting down the knife and washing her hands so that she could take the phone from Safaa, “Honey what’s wrong?”

Zayn turned to look at Niall and he nodded in understanding before he pressed a kiss to Zayn’s hair, gave it a light ruffle and got up from where they’d been lying in bed together.

“I’ll be in the living room, ok?” Niall told him gently from the doorway before he closed the door softly behind him and padded down the hall to the living room.

Zayn waited until he heard the light sounds of the TV going down the hall before he let himself fall apart while his mum watched over the phone.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” She asked, her voice gentle and soothing but pained at the same time.

“It’s Niall,” Zayn let out in a shaky sob.

“What’s wrong, honey? Did something happen?” She asked with so much concern it made Zayn’s stomach twist.

He let out another choked sigh and bit down on the knuckle of his index finger before he drew in another shaky breath and sniffled. All he could do was croak out a weak ‘Mum’ before he rested his head down on his knees that he’d drawn up to his chest.

“Baby, please,” His mum pled, her own voice wobbling at seeing her baby in so much pain.

Zayn drew in another shaky breath before he could finally try at speaking again. “Niall’s ex- He’s-“ His mum nodded for him to go on.

He let out another deep sigh before he could finish, “Niall got someone pregnant.”

Zayn could see the way his mum froze at his words before her own face fell in sympathy for him, “Oh baby, I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world right now.”

“I wish you could too,” Zayn croaked before he put his head in his knees again.

“Do you need to come home?” She asked him gently and his heart clenched in his chest. He couldn’t have wanted that any more, to go home and just hug his mum and be with his family but he knew he couldn’t leave Niall, not when things were so shaky and he was already so scared that Zayn was on edge (which he was but he didn’t want Niall to have to worry about him on top of everything else).

“I want to Mum. I really really wish I could,” Zayn admitted.

“Baby you can. You can come home whenever you want,” She told him, cocking her head to the side like she didn’t understand why he couldn’t just leave.

“I can’t,” Zayn told her, “I can’t leave, Niall.”

She let out a sigh at the same time that he did. “That’s very brave of you, baby, agreeing to stay with him through this,” she commended him, “But I don’t think anyone would blame you if you didn’t. Cheating is the worst detriment to a marriage.”

“He didn’t cheat,” Zayn said tiredly and her eyebrows crinkled in confusion, “We weren’t together yet when it happened. She’s six months along already.”

“But you’ve been together for a year,” His mum said and it twinged his heart just a little to be reminded of the fact that even though Niall and Zayn hadn’t been official, their hearts had belonged to each other even back then, that had they just stopped being so scared of committing to each other they wouldn’t have been in this situation.

“It’s complicated,” was all Zayn could manage to mutter.

His mum let out another sigh, understanding that Zayn probably wasn’t going to go much further into detail, “Well have you all got a plan about this? I suppose you two are going to stay together?”

“Yeah,” Zayn said quietly, “The girl is moving in with us in a few days.”

“She’s what?” His mum retorted immediately.

“I know,” Zayn sighed, “But her boyfriend’s kicked her out and Niall thinks it’s the right thing to do.”

“Do you think it’s the right thing to do, though?” His mum asked, “Are you ok with that?”

“I haven’t really got much choice in the matter as it is,” Zayn sighed again, “Of course I hate the idea but what am I supposed to say? ‘No you’re not moving your bloody baby’s mum in with us?’ As much as I hate it, that’s still Niall’s kid in there and I know how much he’s wanted this for so long even if he wants me to believe that he doesn’t want it anymore. He’s not going to do anything to screw it up and I don’t want to make him feel like he has to choose, you know?”

His mum nodded, taking in his words, “Well I’m proud of you baby for being so selfless and strong about all of this.” His chest tightened again and he closed his eyes for a moment, hanging his head a bit as he took a breath and his mum could tell that there was more to it then what he was saying and she said as much.

“I just-“ Zayn let out another sigh and could feel his tears welling up again, “I always had this doubt in the back of my mind, you know, that this wouldn’t be enough for him, that _I_ wouldn’t be enough for him. But he always tried to make me believe that I was wrong, that he loved me. And I wanted to believe him so badly, mum.”

His voice broke  and his tears started again as he went on, “I wanted to believe that he could love me and want this enough that something like this would never happen and I started to let myself believe it after he proposed but the doubt was always still there at the back of my mind. And now it’s happening. Everything I’ve always been afraid of is happening in real life and I’m so scared that I’m going to lose him, mum. It’s hard enough to think about the fact that he’s going to have a baby and be tied to her for the rest of their lives but now she’s going to be here and I’m going to have to see it, every bloody day, right in front of my face. I hate it, mum. I hate her and I hate this situation and I hate the fact that there’s nothing I can do about it and I just have to bloody deal with it because he’s my husband.”

Her face folded again and she let out a soft sigh. “Baby,” she murmured quietly, “You don’t have to force yourself through this if you don’t want. No one is going to blame you for wanting to leave.”

“ _I_ would blame me. Niall would blame me,” Zayn argued, “And if I left that would give him all the more reason to be with her. But more than that I don’t want to leave him. I want Niall, I want us but I want the us that we had before all of this, when it was just him and I, not us, Ellie and the baby.”

“Well have you two talked about this? Does he know you feel like this?” His mum asked.

“Kind of. We had a talk this morning and I told him that I was ok but-,” he sighed.

“Baby, you need to be honest with him,” His mum urged him, “You can’t keep feelings like this bottled up inside you. They’ll eat and eat at you until it’s too much and then you’ll break. And I can assure you with something like this it won’t be pretty.”

“I know, Mum,” Zayn sighed tiredly because he did already know that, he just didn’t know what to do with it.

“Is there anything else you wanted to talk about, sweetie?” His mum asked.

“No,” Zayn sighed again, “Just that. I actually feel a little bit better now that you know. I needed someone else to talk about it with.”

“Of course, baby. You can always talk to me about anything. I’m glad you didn’t try to hide it for a year like you did with Niall,” she joked and Zayn let out a small laugh and a smile. “There’s that gorgeous smile I love.”

“Thank you, mum,” Zayn told her for listening and for making his day just a bit better.

“Of course baby,” She smiled and it warmed his heart a bit more, “Hang in there but our door’s always open if you need it, ok?”

“Ok mum,” Zayn nodded, “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby,” She smiled and gave her lips a pucker before he ended the call.

Zayn let out a hard sigh and scrubbed his hands down his face when he shut the laptop before resting his head on his knees just trying to breathe for a moment. Even a day later he still couldn’t believe that this was happening to them, to him. It just didn’t feel real. Nothing had truly felt real for him since he and Niall had gotten together but this was a different type of unreal. This wasn’t a euphoric, blissful, ‘I never want this high to end’ unreal; it was a monumental, ominous weight crushing him from the inside out and tearing him apart at the same time, begging him the question of how far past his limit could he be pushed before he just shattered apart into an infinite amount of irreparable pieces.

He took a few more deep breaths before he finally pushed himself up from the bed and opened the door to walk down the hall towards the living room where Niall was sitting on the couch looking at the TV, but it was clear from his blank stare that he wasn’t actually watching. Niall didn’t notice that Zayn had come out until he was sitting in Niall’s lap, to which Niall let out an ‘oof’ but immediately wrapped his arms around Zayn’s waist and pressed a kiss to his neck.

“You ok?” Niall asked as Zayn turned around in his arms so that they were facing each other and rested his forehead against Niall’s temple.

“I’m just ready for this to be done,” Zayn sighed quietly and Niall rubbed up and down his back.

“You don’t have to talk about it anymore if you don’t want to, babe. I completely understand,” Niall told him and Zayn sighed into his skin again.

“I hate talking about it,” Zayn shook his head tiredly, “I hate thinking about it. I hate this.”

“I know babe, I know,” Niall scratched up at the hair at the nape of Zayn’s neck. “I can talk to my parents out here if you want and you can just wait for me in bed. And then when I’m done, I’ll come to bed and get your mind off things, hm?” Niall pressed a long enticing kiss to lips on Zayn’s sternum.

“Sounds nice,” Zayn hummed before he pressed kisses to the shell of Niall’s ear and his cheek and rubbed his thumb softly at his hip.

Zayn didn’t get up immediately like Niall thought he would but he was happy deep down for the temporary delay from having to call his parents (and the fact that he had Zayn on top of him) so instead of calling, he just pulled Zayn closer to his chest and stretched to lay out on the couch with Zayn on top of him while they stared in the direction of the TV without saying a word. Niall just rubbed his hand up and down Zayn’s back quietly, pressing gentle kisses to his hair every now and again until Zayn’s breaths evened out and synched with his and Niall could tell that he had fallen asleep.

Niall wrapped Zayn’s arms around his neck and his legs around his waist and Zayn tightened his grip subconsciously when he felt Niall stand up and start walking him back down the hall to the bedroom. Niall opened up the comforter of the bed before he put Zayn down and pressed one more gentle kiss to his forehead before he tucked him in and huddled the laptop under his arm, shutting the door of their room gently behind him before he sat back down on the couch and braced himself for the call.

“Niall, sweetheart!” His mum exclaimed when she answered the Facetime, “Oi, Bobby come say hi! Niall’s on the phone. How are you honey? I feel like it’s been ages since we’ve seen you.  Where’s your other half?”

“He’s having a nap,” Niall told her with a small smile at her enthusiasm to see him, “And I’m ok. Miss you too. How are you guys doing?”

“We’re ok,” Maura told him as his father came up on screen behind her chair and gave him a wave.

“Hey, Niall.”

“Hi, Dad,” Niall waved back.

“How’s London? How’s Zayn? How was the honeymoon?” His mum asked, firing off questions faster than Niall could think of answers.

“London and Zayn are both fine. The honeymoon was really nice. We actually had so much fun there that we were thinking about moving to Amsterdam for real,” Niall told her with a little bit of a pang in his chest at the memory of how happy they’d been before all of this.

“Oh no,” Maura frowned, “That’s even farther away. And then you’ll be leaving the boys too and I don’t think they’d be real fans of that either.”

“We talked about it with them last night and they weren’t but the move’s probably not going to happen anymore anyways,” Niall sighed.

“Can’t say I’m disappointed about that,” Maura admitted, “But you could always move back to Ireland if you’re looking to get out of England.”

“I mean it wasn’t just about getting out of England,” Niall explained, “We like it here but we just really fell for Amsterdam while we there. It was such a beautiful city with so much to do and the atmosphere was just nice, you know? But like I said, we’re not moving anywhere any time soon. Things have kind of changed now.”

“What do you mean?” Maura asked, a look of concern immediately coming on to her face, “Are you and Zayn, alright? Did you two get into a fight?”

“No,” Niall sighed and looked down.

“Did one of you do something bad?” His mum asked cautiously and Niall started to chew on his nail the way he always did when he was anxious.

“Kind of,” he muttered.

Maura let out a hard sigh of her own, “Niall, sweetie, did _you_ do something bad?”

Niall nodded and hung his head, instantly feeling like he was a kid again when he’d been caught doing something wrong by his parents.

“What did you do?” His mum asked gently.

Still looking down, Niall took in a breath and let out a shaky exhale before he glanced at his mum’s worried look and then put his face in his hands.

“Baby, did you cheat?” His mum asked and Niall’s head immediately shot up in defense.

“No! Of course not! I would never cheat on Zayn. No!” He told her defensively, appalled at the accusation.

“Well then what did you do?” She asked anxiously.

Niall let out another sigh, “I got someone pregnant. _Before_ Zayn and I got together.”

“You have a child?” His mum asked incredulously and he could hear the way his father yelled ‘he has a _what_?’ in the background.

“Yeah,” Niall sighed and nodded again.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to this,” His mum said blankly, “Should I be happy or worried?” Niall shrugged.

“Does Zayn know?” He nodded.

“Are you staying together?” He lolled his head and let out a sigh and shrugged.

“Niall can you please use your words? One new baby’s already enough.”

“I want to stay together and Zayn wants to stay together but- yeah, yeah we are,” Niall stammered, “The mum’s moving in with us in a few days and she’s gonna stay until she finds a new place to live. Zayn’s a bit worried about the situation and I’m worried about him and I’m hoping everything will work out but, I don’t know.”

“Well I’m happy that I’m going to have a grandbaby,” Maura admitted, “I suppose if she’s moving in with you two, you’re going to be involved and I’m glad for that because you know how much I want this but I hope you and Zayn will be ok.”

“I hope so too,” Niall said tiredly.

“Did she tell you how old the baby is? Is it a boy or a girl? Do you have any pictures yet? I hope we haven’t missed out on too much already,” His mum asked, her fire round of questions starting up again.

“The baby hasn’t been born yet, Ma,” Niall let out a little chuckle when he realized his mum’s misconception but she furrowed her brows, “Ellie’s only six months along.”

“I don’t understand then,” she said flatly.

“What?” Niall asked.

“You told your father and I that you and Zayn have been together for a year. Which means if your baby’s only six moths along,” she trailed off, waiting for Niall to fill in the gap.

“Uh well,” Niall’s face flushed and he rubbed the back of his neck, “Zayn and I weren’t together-together yet when this happened.”

“Were you together with the baby’s mum?” Maura inquired.

“Not really,” Niall admitted.

“Oh God, Niall,” his mum sighed, “I don’t understand but I don’t think I really want to so I’ll let just let it be. Would you at least have wanted a baby with this girl? Does she seem like she’d be a good mother?”

“Yeah,” Niall said quietly, “She’s a nice girl, pretty, I think you’d like her.”

“I’d love to meet her,” His mum told him and he nodded.

“I’m sure she’d want to meet you too but I’d have to talk about that with her first. For now I just want to deal with what we have to; help her get on her feet again, get her her own place, have the baby and get on with it, you know?” His mum nodded.

“Is she seeing someone?” She asked and Niall narrowed his eyes.

“Not anymore,” He told her slowly, “They weren’t together at the time so she doesn’t think it’s his. We’re going to do a paternity when the baby is born of course, if that’s what you’re trying to get at.”

“No,” his mum said lightly, “I mean that’s a good idea but that’s not why I was asking.”

“Well why are you asking then?” He asked skeptically.  She opened her mouth to speak but shook her head. “What were you going to say?”

“Nothing, baby. I’m just glad you’re being responsible about this and doing the right thing.”

“Mhm,” Niall nodded though his eyes were still narrowed.

“Thank you for telling us and I hope you’ll call me again soon and maybe let me talk to her or send me a picture or something so I at least know what she looks like.”

Niall nodded, “Will do.”

“Ok, well if that’s all, I love you. Take care of yourself and your family and call us again if you need anything.”

“Love you too, Mum,” Niall said before he hung up the call and let out a loud, audible sigh.

As soon as the laptop was shut, Niall went back down the hall to the bedroom and crawled under the covers to mold himself onto Zayn’s back and tangle their limbs. Though he wanted to join his husband in sleep immediately, he just couldn’t get his mind to stop racing all over the place. It wasn’t until he’d been tracing the bird on the back of Zayn’s neck and trying to even out his own breaths to match Zayn’s for what felt like an eternity before Niall finally managed to fall asleep.

 

Zayn was already awake by the time Niall had woken up. He’d sat up in bed and started sketching while Niall had stayed wrapped around his midsection with his head on Zayn’s chest.

“You’re up,” Niall yawned as he keened into the fingers that Zayn had curled around the longer strands of his hair by his neck.

“ ‘m up,” Zayn confirmed, pressing a soft kiss to Niall’s lips before he put down the sketchpad.

“How long’ve you been awake?” Niall asked groggily, scratching one hand on his stomach and the other at Zayn’s hip.

“Not long, maybe a half hour or so. Was gonna go get us something to eat but you were clinging onto me for dear life so I was kinda trapped here,” Zayn giggled and Niall let out a little laugh under his blush.

“Sorry,” Niall said, quietly unwrapping his arms from around Zayn’s waist but Zayn frowned in response.

“I didn’t mind, Ni,” Zayn told him, his stomach doing a little sink inside at the loss of contact. “What’s wrong?”

Niall shook his head and let out a breath through his nose, “Is it wrong that I kind of don’t feel like having to tell the boys tonight too? I just- we’ve talked about it so much today and I’m tired of talking about it.”

Zayn nodded in understanding, “I feel the same. Talking about it is really fucking annoying but at least once we tell them it’s the last time we’ll have to talk about it. And it’ll probably feel better when we tell them. They always make us feel better.”

Niall narrowed his eyes at Zayn trying to read him. He seemed to be doing so well, so much better than Niall thought he would have been able to manage so quickly but the doubt was still there that it was only a show he was putting on for Niall’s sake.

“Ok but can we just not talk about it for these next couple of days after tonight?” Niall suggested, “No talking, no crying, no fighting. Just you and me, laughing and kissing, and fucking, and smoking, and more kissing and more fucking. The way it should be.”

Zayn’s lips instantly curled into a smile, the first genuine one that made it all the way up to his eyes that Niall had seen all day and he couldn’t help but to smile back as Zayn leaned in and gave him another kiss.

“Yeah I could definitely get on with that,” Zayn agreed and Niall nodded as he went in to kiss Zayn again.

“Think maybe we could try that out now?” Niall smirked and Zayn nodded as he straddled Niall’s hips and leaned in to reconnect their lips.

***

The boys almost forgot that the boys were supposed to come over until there was a rapping at the front door and they were forced to put on clothes and finally get out of bed.

“We’re here,” Liam announced as he, Louis, and Harry walked in the door and started towards the kitchen to get some of the Chinese food on the counter and beers from the fridge.

“Guess you two must’ve worked things out then,” Louis commented flippantly, flicking one of the hickeys on Zayn’s neck as he passed by.

“Better not have fucked on the couch,” Harry warned them from where he was already making himself a plate in the kitchen.

“Not today,” Niall chuckled and Zayn squeezed his hand as they walked to sit on the couch while the boys gathered their food before they joined them out in the living room.

“So what’s this about then?” Liam asked when they’d all settled onto the couches.

Zayn and Niall shared a look, Zayn rubbing his thumb over Niall’s knuckles comfortingly before Niall turned to them and took a deep breath before he spoke, “We have news.”

Louis quirked his brows and Liam looked like he was preparing himself while Harry looked between the two of them gleefully.

“Wait don’t tell me. Is Niall going to be a mommy?” Harry joked and the rest of the boys laughed; Louis and Liam genuinely and Zayn and Niall with a bit of forced effort.

“A daddy actually,” Zayn corrected him, trying his best to keep his tone light but Niall could hear the hint of sharpness behind it.

“That’s great boys,” Louis laughed.

“Our little ones have just grown up so fast innit?” Liam smiled, “First you’re getting your own place in Amsterdam and now you’re having a baby.” Harry and Louis laughed again but Niall and Zayn just shared another look.

“So what’s the real news?” Harry asked as his laughter died down and he took a bite of his chicken.

“Yeah, Liam was all worked up before we got here,” Louis said as he took a sip from his beer, “Thought it was gonna be something bad after last night.”

“They were yelling!” Liam said defensively around a mouth full of lo mein.

“Well?” Harry asked and Niall took another deep breath.

“I actually am gonna be a dad,” Niall told them and he felt Zayn squeeze his hand again.

“Congrats!” Harry beamed as he got up and hugged them.

“That’s amazing,” Louis nodded at them.

“Wow, it really is happening,” Liam said in disbelief.

“Yeah,” Niall nodded.

“Since when though?” Harry asked as he sat back down, “Just yesterday you were ready to pack up and move to Amsterdam. Like you two found a surrogate and everything and didn’t even tell us? I didn’t even know you guys bloody wanted kids.”

“Yeah,” Louis commented, “Thought you would’ve at least enjoyed the whole newlywed, fucking on every surface of the house and being obnoxiously domestic  phase before you went to the whole married with kids stage but to each his own I guess.”

“Well it um, wasn’t exactly an intentional thing,” Zayn clarified quietly and the boys’ smiles instantly dropped from their faces as they looked between the two of them.

“Um yeah, I uh- Ellie’s the mum. She got pregnant right before we got together,” Niall clarified rubbing a hand on the back of his neck that was surely as bright as the flush on his cheeks.

“Oh,” Louis said awkwardly.

“Are we happy about this?” Liam asked slowly and Niall turned to look at Zayn.

“We’re um- we’re taking it a day at a time,” Niall told him as he turned back around, “I’m happy that I’m gonna be a dad, I guess. I’ve always wanted that but I wish the circumstances were different, you know?”

“Sorry but how are you even sure that it’s yours?” Louis asked and Harry nodded.

“Yeah, I mean you haven’t slept with her in months, Niall. You’ve barely even talked to her. How can you be so sure?” Harry asked.

Zayn squeezed his hand again. “Well I mean obviously I can’t be 100% sure until after the baby is born and everything but I can’t just accuse her of lying either,” Niall frowned.

“So you’re just going to take her word for it?” Liam asked.

“I mean yeah. If that really is my kid in there, I’m not gonna screw it up by being an arse to her when she’s pregnant,” Niall said.

“And if it’s not?” Louis asked carefully.

“If it’s not, I’d just have been a really good friend to her while she was pregnant and then whoever’s baby that is can step up and be the dad and I’ll get my life back,” Niall shrugged and Louis let out a breath through his nose.

“At what price though?” Harry asked taking a quick glance at the way Zayn was looking down at their clasped hands, still not having spoken a word. Niall’s stomach sank and he clenched his jaw. He knew the boys were only trying to look out for him but hearing the doubts he had himself said by them only intensified them more and he couldn’t afford that, not when Eliie was coming in a few days and staying with them indefinitely and he still wasn’t completely sure that Zayn wasn’t sitting on the edge of running away.

“Listen that’s the news, ok?” Niall told them, the words coming out more sharp and defensive than he meant for them to but he wasn’t completely apologetic, “Ellie’s going to be kipping with us for a bit so no more boys’ nights here for a while.”

“She’s what?” Harry retorted incredulously.

“Good God, Niall,” Louis breathed putting his face in his hands.

“I’m going outside,” Zayn muttered into his ear, having reached his limit, before he took his hand away from Niall’s grasp and went through the sliding door of the kitchen to the patio.

“Are you being serious right now?” Louis asked in disbelief.

“This is a terrible idea,” Harry shook his head.

“Well it’s not like I have too many options here,” Niall told them tiredly, nearing his own emotional max for the day, “Her boyfriend kicked her out and she has nowhere else to go. If that really is my kid in there, I want to do everything I can now to make sure that they’re being taken care of and if that means giving their mum a place to stay then so be it.”

“But why now though?” Liam pressed, “Why is she just now coming out of the wood works and telling you about this if she’s been pregnant since before you and Zayn got together? Surely she must be almost due by now. Why didn’t she tell you before?”

“All she said is that she had plans for how she was going to handle it but now those plans have changed since she’s single and basically homeless. Look, I’m tired of talking about this and explaining it, ok? It’s all I’ve done all day, it’s all I’ve thought about all day and I’m just done. I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Niall said ending the conversation.

The room fell silent after that and the boys complied though the tension remained thick in the air as they finished up their food and beers. Niall tried to fill in the quiet by turning on the TV but eventually just gave up on making things unawkward and went outside to join Zayn on the patio.

He didn’t say anything as he slid the glass door shut behind him or when he sat down and put his head down on Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn didn’t say anything either as he wrapped an arm around Niall’s shoulder and held Niall’s hand in his other one. He just lifted it and kissed each one of Niall’s fingertips gently as Niall sniffled quietly against his shoulder and trembled them both.

“ ‘s ok,” Zayn finally mumbled into Niall’s hair as he pulled Niall to sit in his lap and he looked up at the stars above them.

“It’s not,” Niall shook his head, “It’s not Zayn and you fucking know it’s not.”

“You’re right, it’s not,” Zayn agreed. “It’s not ok but it is what it is and there’s nothing we can do to change it now. But at least now the boys know and our parents know and we’ll have these next few days to ourselves and we won’t have to talk about it anymore. The hard part’s over.”

“For now,” Niall said grimly because he knew in reality, though they would have their temporary reprieve for now, the storm was only just beginning and there was no way that either of them could truly prepare for what it had in store for them.

They didn’t say anything else after that but they stayed outside until Niall’s breathing slowed down again and Zayn could tell that he had calmed down.

“You ready to go back inside?” Zayn asked, brushing their noses together before Niall leaned in and kissed him softly.

“No,” Niall sighed but he stood up anyways, stretching his hand out to help Zayn up.

They didn’t sit down when they walked back into the living room and all of the boys instantly turned to look at them but relaxed when they saw that Zayn and Niall were holding hands again.

“We’re sorry if we upset you guys,” Liam apologized on behalf of all of them, “We’re only trying to look out for you.”

“We know,” Zayn nodded cordially.

“I’m sorry for being snappy,” Niall apologized, “I’m just exhausted and stressed out. I didn’t mean to take it out on you guys.”

“ ‘s ok,” They all said and he nodded.

Zayn leaned his head down on Niall’s shoulder and rubbed his thumb over Niall’s knuckles and Niall took it as a sign that he was equally as tired and just wanted to go to sleep.

“I think we’re just gonna head to bed for the night but you guys can let yourselves out when you’re done,” Niall told them, squeezing Zayn’s hand at his side and Zayn squeezed back.

The boys nodded and said their goodnight’s and love you’s before Niall led Zayn to the bathroom and shut the door behind them.

They didn’t say much while they brushed their teeth and washed their faces or when they walked down the hall to their room, shutting the door softly closed behind them. They didn’t speak when Zayn took Niall’s shirt off or when Niall pulled down Zayn’s joggers. They didn’t talk when Niall got on his knees and pressed gentle kisses to the bones of Zayn’s hips before he wrapped his lips around Zayn’s cock or when Zayn locked Niall’s lips with his own as he stroked Niall off in bed afterwards. They didn’t talk until both of their breaths were soft and even and they were both near falling asleep; the time they’d found where all of their inhibitions finally fell away and they couldn’t help but to be fully honest because they’d be too tired and close to being asleep to keep up an act.

“Hey, Zayn?” Niall whispered not wanting to disturb the quiet surrounding them.

“Yeah?” Zayn mumbled from where his head was laid on top of their matching puzzle piece tattoo on Niall’s chest.

“For what it’s worth, the time that I got to spend with you when it was just us and we were happy and ok was the best time of my life. I never needed anyone but you, even when we saw other people and I would have told you that sooner if I’d known you’d felt the same way,” Niall admitted quietly, the tears pricking at the backs of his eyes because he knew if he would’ve been braver back then this wouldn’t have happened and they could’ve stayed like this forever.

“I always loved you too,” Zayn murmured, rubbing his nose against the soft hairs starting to bud on Niall’s chest.

“I still love you. I’ll always love you no matter what happens,” Niall told him earnestly because he needed Zayn to know even if he was half asleep.

“For now and forever,” Zayn pressed a sleepy kiss to his skin and Niall held on to him just a bit tighter.

“For now and forever,” Niall repeated, trying so hard to believe that Zayn still meant it when he said ‘forever’ and that he’d mean it when everything changed and their love would truly be put to the test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is long overdue so I tried to make up for it by making it a lengthy one. Not only was I much more busy with work and school than I'd anticipated during December, I had to rewrite this chapter more than a few times. I had a completed 6k draft for this chapter and the beginning of chapter 3 started but even as I was writing that version of this chapter I just didn't feel like it was the right way to go with this, though I finished it anyways because I figured that I was too far along with it to scrap it. But then I reread and went over it a few times and I knew that I couldn't use it even if it meant that I would have to completely rewrite the whole thing which is why this update took so long because I needed it to be right. Thank you all for sticking around and commenting and leaving kudos though and I hope you guys had a lovely New Year's!


	3. One Last Night

Their last three days of solitude passed in a blur of hazy morning blunts and blowjobs, afternoons spent wrapped around each other watching TV on the couch and lazing around in bed, dinners made using one of the Jamie Oliver recipes books they’d received as a wedding present, and nightly romps and cuddles before they went to sleep and did it all again the next day. Even though their thoughts always wandered back to the impending situation, they both took silent vows not to talk about it anymore. Their last three days were meant to be solely about them and enjoying what they had as much as they could before Ellie came and everything would change.

It wasn’t until the evening of their last day that any thought of leaving the flat had occurred to either of them. Though they much preferred to laze around the flat in boxers and Niall’s unbuttoned baseball jerseys, it was upon Niall’s suggestion that they do something outside for their last night together.

 “We should get out of here,” Niall had suggested to Zayn while they were laid out in bed; Niall’s head over Zayn’s puzzle piece tattoo and Zayn’s hand stroking casually through Niall’s now much longer and darker hair.

“And go where?” Zayn asked, his eyes still trained on the telly.

“We could go for dinner and a movie,” Niall shrugged and Zayn lolled his head, thinking it over.

“Meh, don’t really have much of a taste for fancy dining since I’ve got my own little chef now,” Zayn smiled softly and looked down at Niall. Niall smiled back and pressed his fingertips softly into Zayn’s ribs as he leaned up to give him a little kiss on his jaw.

“How about a pizza in the park?” Niall suggested and the brightness of Zayn’s smile at that was surely radiant. The park had come to hold so much meaning for them since they’d gotten together and neither of them could have thought of a better way to spend their last night together outside of the flat.

“Like our first date,” Zayn commented, smile still gleaming on his face and Niall nodded.

“Like our first date,” Niall confirmed.

They shared a shower but got dressed in their separate rooms to keep up the authenticity of the date. Niall was ready first of course, dressed in one of Zayn’s favorite shirts of his which was a dark to light red and blue ombre plaid shirt, a pair of black skinnys with rips in the knees, Vans, and a Snapback (another one of Zayn’s favorites of his). He sat in the living room, scrolling through a few social networks on his phone before Zayn came out and his jaw dropped on sight of his gorgeous husband.

 Zayn wasn’t more dressed up than Niall; he was clad in a simple chambray button up over a fitted white tee with black jeans and Creepers that put him an extra inch or two over Niall’s head, but it had been weeks since Niall had seen Zayn’s now nearly shoulder length hair in a quiff and the one that Zayn was sporting was slicked back to perfection with the exception of a strand that fell over his eyebrow and made Niall’s mouth slack instantly.

“Do I look ok?” Zayn asked with a slight blush under Niall’s amorous gaze.

“More than ok,” Niall responded, nearly breathless, “You look amazing, babe.”

“Thanks,” Zayn smiled, reaching his hand out to help Niall up from where he was seated on the couch, “You look great too.”

“I look like shit compared to you though,” Niall shook his head as he bridged their hands and stood back to marvel at his husband.

“You look amazing,” Zayn reaffirmed, looking Niall up and down with an unwavering smile and fond in his eyes, “And you’re in my favorite shirt and a Snapback so you get bonus points.”

“Well,” Niall shrugged as he opened the door for Zayn to walk through, “I wanted to look good for you. I guess I did alright?”

“You did great,” Zayn turned and gave him a light kiss on the cheek.

Zayn let Niall drive his truck to the park while he played DJ with one hand and held Niall’s hand in the other. They got their pizza and walked to the bench that had become theirs with their fingers still entwined and Niall’s head on Zayn’s shoulder in a comfortable silence, just the soft howl of the wind and a few kids on the playground equipment. It wasn’t  until Zayn was curled up in Niall’s arms with his head on Niall’s chest listening to the sound of his heartbeat under his shirt and the ink tattooed on his skin that branded him as Zayn’s that they finally started to speak again.

“So tomorrow’s the day,” Zayn spoke softly into the breeze and Niall rubbed his hair back. Tomorrow Ellie was coming and it would no longer be just them. Tomorrow the countdown to the day Zayn would leave would start. Tomorrow things would change forever and neither of them was prepared. The panicking and arguing had been put on hold for the past three days and they both avoided talking about the situation in favor of just trying to hold on to some kind of semblance of how things had been before but it would all be gone tomorrow.

“Tomorrow’s the day,” Niall parroted quietly.

“Are you ready?” Zayn asked him, rubbing the fabric of Niall’s flannel between his fingers.

“No,” Niall let out a breath, “Don’t think I could ever really be ready.”

Zayn let out a little hum in his throat and went quite for a bit after that until Niall spoke again.

“I still wouldn’t blame you if you left,” he’d said as calmly as he could manage. He meant for it to come out casually, conversational but it was unmissable how instantly Zayn had gone rigid in his arms. Niall tried to soothe him, rubbing a tender hand up and down his back but he stayed still and quiet for a while after that before he finally responded.

“I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it,” Zayn admitted softly and Niall was the one to go rigid this time.  “But I’m not- I’ll be here as long as I can, Niall. I can’t promise that I won’t leave but I’ll always come back to you. That much I _can_ promise you, Niall. I love you.”

“For now?” Niall asked meekly but Zayn shook his head as he turned in his arms to study his face.

“Forever,” he pressed his finger gingerly into the tattoo under Niall’s shirt where he’d been laying his head. “For now and forever. I meant it then and I mean it now.”

“For now and forever,” Niall repeated in a soft breath and nod.  He didn’t know how much longer he had with Zayn but this moment; the moon casting a pale light on top of them with all of Zayn’s honesty spelled out in his eyes while Niall cradled him in his arms on the bench that they’d shared so many moments on, this moment he would hold on to forever.

They didn’t stay at the park much longer after that and they didn’t really speak again on the bench or in the car but they held hands during the ride home and didn’t let go until they were in their bedroom, Niall shutting the door behind him with Zayn pressed against it as he sank to his knees in front of him.

“Ni,” Zayn moaned, his eyes slipping closed as he pressed his head back against the door and raised his hands to play in Niall’s hair while Niall got his jeans and boxers down and kept his eyes trained on Zayn as he slipped his cock into his mouth.

“You don’t have to do this,” Zayn whispered, eyes still closed and the offer made a bit begrudgingly but he really didn’t want Niall to feel obligated to suck him off in an attempt to make him stay.

“Love you,” Niall mumbled around his hardening cock, a sheen of saliva wet on his bottom lip, “Want to show you.”

“Love you too,” Zayn told him, running one of his thumbs over the imprint of his cock inside of Niall’s cheek as Niall swallowed him down further.

Niall kept one hand on Zayn’s hip, tracing his thumb over the black heart inked into it, while he used the other to stroke around Zayn’s shaft and focused his oral efforts on the head. He swirled his tongue obscenely over the slit, spreading the pearls of precum farther around Zayn’s head and swallowing a bit down, the swallowing motion pulling a guttural moan from Zayn above him.

Niall kept his eyes on the way Zayn pinched his face when he was pleased, the way he furrowed his thick brows a bit, the way he darted his tongue out to lick at his lips or how he pulled his plush bottom lip between his pearly white teeth to keep himself from drifting off too much. He admired how Zayn’s eyelashes fanned out over his sharp cheekbones when he screwed his shining hazel eyes shut in pure bliss and the way his eyes glowed when he finally opened them up to lock them with Niall’s blown out blue ones that had been watching him intently the whole time.

It was enough to make Zayn come on the spot, seeing Niall’s mouth full of him, the blue of his eyes nearly gone because his pupils were so dilated as he watched and listened to how much Zayn was enjoying it but he did his best to hold back. Niall pulled off too soon for Zayn but he kept a hand stroking over his cock as he started speaking again.

“Wanna fuck you tonight,” Niall was saying and Zayn wasn’t really in a state of mind to argue.

All he could respond with was a breathless and throaty pant of “yeah, yeah” before Niall was getting onto his feet and planting his lips on Zayn’s. He kept a hand stroking Zayn’s cock and their lips slotted together, slipping his tongue to roll around Zayn’s as he spun them around and walked Zayn backwards to lie on the bed while he got the lube from the nightstand and slicked up a finger.

He pulled away from Zayn’s mouth to press a kiss to his cheek before he pressed a kiss to the stubble at the hinge of his jaw and then another right below his ear as he continued to stroke off his cock and slipped his first finger down to start working at Zayn’s bum. Zayn squirmed a bit at the discomfort but Niall continued to stroke and kiss him through it until it was less uncomfortable and a bit more pleasurable.

“You ok?” Niall asked into his throat, his finger still working at Zayn’s bum and he could feel the furrow of Zayn’s brows even though he wasn’t looking up.

“Yeah,” Zayn panted heavily, “ ‘s good. Feel kinda useless though cause you’re still dressed.”

“It’s ok. Just wanna make you feel good tonight,” Niall mumbled, pressing more kisses to his throat.

“You don’t have to-“ Zayn started to protest but Niall was quick to cut him off.

“Want to,” Niall assured him.

“At least get naked,” Zayn insisted.

“You can undress me when you’re ready,” Niall told him softly.

Zayn let out a frustrated puff but he didn’t argue anymore as Niall slipped in a second finger and curled them, rubbing at the sensitive spot inside of Zayn that made his hips rise off the bed and his cock pulse and leak a bit more in Niall’s hand.

“You like that?” Niall teased, pressing another kiss to the side of his mouth.

“More,” Zayn mumbled back as he scratched his fingers into the skin of Niall’s back underneath his shirt.

“I can do that,” Niall told him as he started to scissor his fingers to work Zayn open even more.

“Fuck ‘s so much, Ni,” Zayn breathed, his hips still grinding up against the fabric of Niall’s jeans and his hand.

“Almost ready?” Niall asked with a little kiss to Zayn’s tongue and bottom lip when he’d stuck it out to lick at it again.

“Yeah, want you naked already,” Zayn told him and Niall gave him another little kiss before he pulled away and Zayn shuddered at the sudden loss of everything in and around him. He pulled Niall in by the collar of his white tee and slotted their lips together as he pushed off the fabric of the flannel and pushed down his jeans and boxers only far enough so that Niall’s own hard and leaking pink cock bounced out and hit his stomach.

“Fuck me good,” Zayn mumbled with a bite to Niall’s lower lip as they pulled off their tops and Niall spread more lube over his cock before Zayn’s back was back on the bed and Niall was kneeling between his spread thighs.

Niall nodded before he leaned back down to press a long, soothing kiss to the crook of Zayn’s jaw again and he slowly started to press himself inside. Zayn let out a little wince at the sensation of being full again but he had his fingers hooked around Niall’s lower back pulling him closer so Niall kept going until he was all the way in and Zayn’s chin was coming up from his chest.

“You ok?” Niall asked him softly from where his lips were still pressed to the rough stubble of Zayn’s jaw, “Does it hurt?”

“ ‘m ok, Ni. I’m ok,” Zayn assured him, “Just trying to adjust again.”

“Not as easy bottoming as you thought?” Niall let out a little chuckle and pressed a kiss lower down on Zayn’s throat this time.

“Shut up,” Zayn let out his own little embarrassed giggle, “Topping is so much more work.”

“Ok, Zayn,” Niall conceded with another laugh as he gently lowered his hands to Zayn’s waist to get him to roll over onto his side before he got behind him.

“Oh that’s good,” Zayn moaned as he could feel Niall’s tip against his sensitive bundle of nerves.

“Yeah?” Niall curled over his shoulder to lock their lips in a kiss and entwine their fingers as he continued to pull and push his way in and out of Zayn as slowly as he could until Zayn was completely comfortable.

“Really good,” Zayn let out in another breath as Niall’s free hand snaked over his hip to circle back around his abandoned cock, “Fuck, so good.”

“Good,” Niall kissed him again, suckling on his plush bottom lip, “Wanna make you feel good.”

Zayn let go of Niall’s hand to wrap it around his neck, his fingers finding their way back into Niall’s hair again as he looked over Niall’s face with hooded eyes before he brought him in again, “Love you so much.”

“Love you too,” Niall mumbled back against his lips, feeling the way Zayn’s breath hitched in his throat when he twisted his wrist around his cock a bit.

When Niall could tell that Zayn was feeling more comfortable, he picked up the pace rocking himself in and out of Zayn and stroking off his cock. Their moans became less articulate and more breathy, a back and forth course of _Zayn_ ’s, _Niall’_ s, _fuck_ ’s, and a colorful array of other curses until even talking was too much and they just fell into sharp winces every so often against each other’s lips with the occasional soft nip when they could feel themselves getting close.

Zayn came first, spilling his load all over Niall’s hand and the white of their sheets and clenching himself around Niall, pulling him over the edge as well. Niall reached for a dainty tissue to wipe some of the spunk from his hand and where some splashed onto Zayn’s stomach before he pulled Zayn to lay ontop of him, tangling their legs together with Zayn’s head over his puzzle piece.

“I’m all sticky,” Zayn whined petulantly and Niall laughed as he pressed a kiss to his dampened raven hair.

“You wanna have a shower before bed then?” Niall asked.

“Yeah,” Zayn nodded though he didn’t make any moves to get up.

“Want me to carry you there?” Niall asked in another fond laugh.

“Yeah,” Zayn nodded again.

Niall sat up and Zayn wrapped his legs around his waist but before he could get up he paused to look at Zayn again. He wanted one last good look at his husband in the pale of the moonlight. The eyelashes, the hazel eyes with a glint of green, the bed-mused long hair, the pink kiss-bitten lips.

“What?” Zayn asked, squirming a bit under his gaze again.

“Nothing just admiring the view,” Niall smirked a bit and Zayn smiled back.

“Thank you but could you admire it in the shower when I’m clean and not dripping with your come and mine,” Zayn let out a little laugh and Niall laughed too before he reconnected their lips and hauled Zayn up to carry him to the bathroom.

***

The sun was out the next morning when they woke up and shared a blunt with their usual morning staple of tea and toast but apparently even the weather was aware of the countdown until Ellie arrived because as the time waned down towards when Niall was supposed to leave to go pick her up, the sun only hid farther and farther behind the clouds until it was completely overcast by the time he was walking out of the door to get her. The downpour seemed to breakthrough almost as soon as the door was shut behind him.

Zayn took one last glance around the flat that had been just theirs up until that moment. He looked at the kitchen where they’d cooked for each other, the surfaces they’d fuck on in it as well. He looked at the couch where they’d spent so much time cuddled together, where he’d asked Niall to be his boyfriend the morning after the last time he’d seen Ellie, presumably the time he’d gotten her pregnant. He walked down the hall to the bathroom, where they’d shared so many showers, where Niall would sit on the counter of the sink while he brushed his teeth and vice versa.

He went to Niall’s room where this had all started what felt like an eternity ago. Where he’d held onto Zayn’s wrist to keep him from leaving the room after he’d tucked Niall in and pulled him down for a kiss that turned into more. That turned into sex and love and marriage. The room that had since been vacated as Niall started to spend more and more nights in Zayn’s room until it was just a natural expectation that they would sleep together in the same bed. He’d never officially moved his things into Zayn’s room, there had been no need to but now it was baren; the drawers emptied, the sheets washed and waiting for Ellie to come and live in, their memories symbolically gone down the drain in a way as well.

And then Zayn got to his room, what had become their room. The room that they slept in together, told each other they loved one another in every night, shared morning kisses and blunts and blowjobs and tea and toast in. The room Niall had proposed to him in. The room he’d broken down in on multiple occasions. He glanced at the hole in the wall from the other night, a now permanent representation of how things had been irrevocably sullied.

He hadn’t cried in days. He’d tried to keep his feelings at bay so that he could be strong for Niall but now that he was gone and he would be coming back with Ellie, Zayn let himself crumple. He looked at the sticky notes they’d written for each other as daily reminders of their love for when they were feeling insecure and it only sucked the air from his lungs more.

_‘I love you and I will never leave you. I promise that you’re safe with me and you’re enough for me. We’re enough for me. I love you more than anything and I always will. For now and forever\- Niall’_

_‘I promise not to run away. I promise to be honest and talk to you when things aren’t ok. I will try to stop being jealous and worried about you leaving me for girls and kids because-‘_ Zayn shook his head, a wracking sob making him tremble as he looked away because suddenly it all felt like such shit. He tore Niall’s sticky note from the night stand, reading the rest of it out loud to himself. _‘Because it’s not going to happen. And when I do think about it, I promise to tell you so that we can talk about it and I can stop getting myself worked up over nothing. For now and forever- Zayn’_

“God I was such a fucking idiot,” Zayn shook his head, crumpling the note in his fist and digging his nails painfully hard into the skin of his palm.

His tears left him tired and breathless and he thought he had the strength to handle it but suddenly it was all too much. He couldn’t be here for it. He couldn’t be here to watch Niall fall in love with Ellie. He just couldn’t do it.

Zayn got a duffle from the closet and before he could even think, he was packing it. He didn’t have a plan, didn’t know where he was going or what he’d say to Niall, if he’d say anything. It was his fight or flight response in overdrive, the fight finally having given up and the flight now taking the reigns over his mind.

***

The first thing Niall thought when he saw Ellie sitting outside on the porch of her friend’s house was that she was definitely pregnant. Her bump was proudly protruding underneath her shirt as she rubbed a hand over it mindlessly and she looked around, her brows furrowed and her plush pink bottom lip between her teeth, as the rain fell down around her in sheets. Once Niall had gotten past the fact that Ellie’s stomach definitely had a child inside, his mind then had to get wrapped around why the hell she was sitting around outside in the rain like it was still bright and sunny.

He got out of the car immediately and she furrowed her brows even more as he walked towards her.

“Niall?” She asked cautiously as he made his way up the steps.

“Yeah, yeah it’s me,” Niall confirmed, taking down the hood of his rain jacket so that she could see that it was him.

“You look different,” She said offhandedly as he reached a hand out to help her up. She took it and gave him a polite smile as she put her other hand on her back and eased her way into standing.

“You too,” Niall joked and she let out a little laugh. He put up the umbrella and walked her down to the car, opening the door and helping her inside, before he went back to get her bags and then got in to the car himself.

“Thank you for coming to get me,” She said cordially as he pulled away from the house and started to drive.

“Why the hell were you sitting outside?” Niall asked her, stopping at a stop sign before he turned right down the road.

“Well I was waiting on you for one,” Ellie answered, looking out of the window, “But I also like the rain. It’s soothing, refreshing.”

Niall let out a little hum in his throat and squinted his eyes.

“Your hair’s darker,” Ellie commented, “And I see you’ve finally got a bit of stubble.” He could feel that she was smiling around where she was gently biting at her nail and he had to will himself to not look at her but he couldn’t help but to smirk just a bit.

“Something’s different about you too,” Niall joked, “Did something different with your hair as well?”

“Yeah, I trimmed off a bit, went platinum,” Ellie laughed and Niall couldn’t help but fall into laughter too when he saw her smile.

“But really though,” Niall said when their laughs had gone down to just little chuckles, “How’ve you been? How’s the baby?”

“I’ve been ok,” Ellie told him with a nod, “And she’s alright too. Been kicking her momma like crazy, haven’t you little one?” Ellie said,looking down as she rubbed a hand over her stomach and Niall glanced over at her.

“She,” Niall repeated and Ellie looked up at him.

“Oh yeah, it’s a girl,” She explained and Niall nodded, looking back at the road with a bit of a frown.

“Disappointed she’s not gonna be throwing back beers and out playing footie like her old man?” Ellie joked.

Niall’s lip quirked, “No it’s uh- it’s not that.”

“What is it?” Ellie asked, her tone gentler and more cautious than before.

“Just feel like I’ve missed out on a lot, you know?” Niall shrugged, trying and failing to come off as nonchalant.

Ellie frowned and looked down with a hand on her belly again. “She hasn’t been doing it for that long. Maybe a month?”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Niall told her quietly. Ellie looked out of the window but kept her hand on her stomach. “Would you have even told me had things not fallen through with your boyfriend?”

“Would you have wanted me to?” Ellie asked him defensively as she turned to look at him again. He looked away from her and back at the road. “You can blame me all you want to for being a horrible person and ruining your life but I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t, innit? You still would have hated me either way.”

“I don’t hate you,” Niall corrected her quickly but it did nothing to remove the scowl from her face. “I do not hate you and I do not blame you because I obviously had my part in this too. I just hate the way that it all played out.”

Ellie looked out of the window again and sighed, staying quiet for a while until she spoke again. “What would you have done differently?”

“I-“ Niall cut himself off as he slowed the car to a stop at the red light. “I would have been there for you from the beginning.” Ellie turned to look at him as he started to drive again and kept speaking, “I would have gone to every appointment with you. I would have gone to those birthing and breathing classes, bought you vitamins, bought stuff for our daughter. Fuck I would have been there when you found out she was a girl, would have been there the first time she moved. I would have done things _right_.”

“I’m sorry,” Ellie apologized quietly, her eyes down on her belly again.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Niall asked, though he didn’t dare take his eyes from the road again.

“I told you-” Ellie started but Niall cut her off.

“Why didn’t you _really_ tell me, Ellie? Because I know that you know what you told me on the phone was shit. You’re strong, there’s no doubt about that, but no one would just _choose_ to do this on their own,” Niall said gently, finally daring a glance at her. Her face was pink, her head was hung and he could hear her soft sniffles as she rubbed her belly with one hand and wiped under eye with the other.

“I didn’t know I had the choice,” She said meekly and Niall’s heart fractured a bit in his chest, “You had Zayn and you were happy and married and in love and I didn’t want to ruin that but,” she took a deep breath. “More than that I was- I was scared. Because you’d chosen Zayn before and I was scared you’d reject me again. I liked you, Niall and I know I sound like a stupid thirteen year old school girl but it kind of hurt my feelings, ok? But then I had Ed and I was happy and in love too so it didn’t matter anymore but then I was pregnant and I was too far along for it to be his and-“ she shook her head and let out another breath.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know how I would have gotten through this if I told you and you _made_ me do it on my own. It would’ve been my choice before and I would’ve been ok with that. At least I still would have had my pride. But if I told you and you told me that I was on my own, I couldn’t have done it. It would have absolutely fucking crushed me and I couldn’t handle that so I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry if it’s a shit answer but it’s all I’ve got.”

“And what about the baby?” Niall asked and Ellie’s face screwed up, “You would have had our baby grow up thinking that I’d made the choice to not be in her life when I didn’t even know she bloody existed?”

“Of course not,” Ellie told him defensively, “I- God why does it even matter? You know now, you’re here now and she hasn’t even been born yet. Can’t we just move on?”

Niall looked at her with a glare before he directed his gaze back to the road. He wanted to continue with the argument. He wanted to blame her for stealing all those precious and pivotal moments of pregnancy from him but he stayed quiet because he knew even if what Ellie had done was wrong, there was no changing it. And even so, just like she’d asked, would he have even wanted her to?

If Ellie would have told him before, he probably wouldn’t have Zayn and he didn’t like even the thought of that. Not telling him had been selfish, but Ellie had also been trying to protect him in a way as well so could he really blame her for that?

“I’m sorry for upsetting you,” Niall apologized quietly after a while and Ellie just shrugged in return.

“I’m sorry for not telling you if that’s what you wanted,” Ellie said around where she was biting her nail and looking out of the window again, a hand still rubbing over her belly.

They didn’t talk for the rest of the ride but it was bearable since they were only a few minutes from the flat. Niall helped Ellie out of the car and she waited for him while he got her bags from the car and they made their way up to the flat together.

The first sign that something wasn’t right when Niall and Ellie walked in was that the couch that Zayn and Niall had been on before Niall had left was now barren and the TV was off.

“Zayn, babe? We’re home,” Niall called as he ushered Ellie into the flat and closed the door behind her. Zayn didn’t answer back and Niall’s heart fluttered a bit in his chest.

“Um you can sit if you want,” Niall told her, motioning to the couch, “Or I can get you something if you’re hungry. Are you hungry?”

“I’m ok,” Ellie told him, taking a seat on the couch.

“I’ll show you your room in a second. I just need to check something out really quickly, ok? Here’s the remote. I’ll be right back,” Niall told her as he started on down the hall towards Zayn’s room.

Niall didn’t really know what he was expecting to find when he walked through the door but an empty room probably should have been at the top of the list. It still didn’t do much to keep his heart rate from escalating in to panic mode though. He went down the hall to the bathroom. No Zayn. He walked past the living room and through the kitchen to check the balcony. No Zayn.

He went back into the bedroom and it was only then that he saw that one of the sticky notes on the nightstands was missing. Zayn’s promise note to him was gone along with Zayn himself and Niall’s stomach sank.

He’d been wrong about the countdown clock. It wasn’t going to start when Ellie came to the flat. Apparently it had already started and his time had expired before he’d even known the clock was running.


	4. A Drop in the Ocean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the somewhat triggering content of the following chapter, reader discretion is advised.

Zayn was admittedly not a beach person. Especially not with the way that the beach looked now which was dark and gloomy as summer was starting to wane out and make way for the cooler temperatures of fall. But being an English major and an arts enthusiast, what he did have was a penchant for symbolism and he couldn’t think of a better way to see how he felt exemplified than to actually drown in the  River Thames.

He hadn’t planned on ending up at Canvey Island. Zayn didn’t even know where he was planning to go when he’d started driving or when he packed the duffle in the first place. He just knew that he couldn’t be in the flat. Not when Niall was going to be coming back with Ellie.

So he drove for an hour until he was at Canvey Island where the rain hadn’t yet broken through the clouds but the overcast grey in the sky brought the promise of it. There was one sole building overlooking the seaside, a small white café, but apart from that there was just a long stretch of seawall and the water itself.

Zayn ended up going into the café, though he immediately regretted it because it was far too small and intimate for the way that he was currently feeling. It wasn’t overly crowded, only a few couples scattered about having quite conversations over prawn cocktails and glasses of wine but he still felt awkward being there alone. He thought for a brief moment that it would have been a nice place for a date but it only made his stomach twist more.

The hostess seated him at a small table in front of the window where he’d have a good view of the water and offered him a menu. He didn’t look over it for long though because the food was more expensive than he was willing to spend on a pity date for himself and their drink offering was limited so when the waitress returned to take his order he told her all he wanted was a bottle of wine and the bill. She furrowed her brows for a brief second before hesitantly writing it down but she nodded and took the menu and came back minutes later with the bottle of wine and the bill as he’d requested.

He payed and walked out of the café towards the shore, bottle swinging daintily in his hand. He took off his shoes and sat down right on the edge of the water where he could get his feet wet, took the cap from the bottle and tipped it back between his lips.

Zayn was never a big drinker; he much preferred the high of a joint or a blunt to a beer or shot but at that point he would have chosen any buzz he could to chase away the sinking blackhole that was pulling everything down in his chest even if it meant downing an entire bottle of wine on the beach by himself. He drank and drank, timid sips turning into desperate chugging gulps until he had to stop because he couldn’t breathe around it. It wasn’t until then that his tears finally broke through.

The drowning feeling hadn’t stopped since the night that Niall had told him about Ellie. Even when they touched, even when they laughed, it was still there pulling him down and filling his lungs with liquid. It was hard to breathe around it, such a stark contrast to the feeling of weightlessness and near invincibility he’d felt for the small frame of time between the wedding and that night. He’d been floating in a space where he believed he and Niall could really do this, where he could believe that Niall could really love him and choose him over having a wife and kids one day but life had finally caught him and pulled him back under the water of reality hard, and it was keeping him there.

The tide edged on closer, getting the legs of his jeans wet as he took another long pull from the bottle and stood. He walked into the water slowly, the sea just mildly washing over his feet at first before he went in farther to where the water reached his waist and he stopped to take another pull from the bottle. He walked in a daze until the water reached his shoulders and the tide got his hair wet and stole the bottle from him. Things were fine at first but the tides kept coming, pulling Zayn farther and farther from the shore until he lost his footing in his drunken state and he couldn’t keep up anymore. He was actually drowning.

***

Niall did his best to keep his composure but it was useless because he still ended up with his back against the shut door and his head in his hands. Zayn was gone and he hadn’t even give Niall the chance to say goodbye. Zayn had told him that he would always come back if he ever left but it did nothing to alleviate that fracture in Niall’s chest that he felt. Zayn was gone.

He pulled his phone from his back pocket and called Zayn but it went straight to voicemail. He called again and again, it went straight to his voicemail. He called a third time and a fourth time before he finally gave up and cried into his knees again.

He was sad and angry and he could barely fucking think straight. How could Zayn do this to him? He’d told Zayn that he wouldn’t blame him if he left but he hadn’t been prepared for Zayn to actually leave and especially not like this, without a warning or a goodbye.

He called Liam next.

“Niall, what’s up?” Liam asked when he’d answered on the fourth ring.

“Is Zayn at yours?” Niall asked getting straight to the point because there was no point in small talk when Zayn was gone and he’d left no traces for Niall to find him.

“No. Did something happen? Should I be worried?” Liam asked, his voice immediately weighing down with concern.

“I left to go get Ellie and he’s not here, Li. I don’t fucking know where he is and his phone is off,” Niall whined into the phone, not caring about how pathetic he sounded.

“Well let’s not get too worked up, Ni,” Liam told him in an attempt to calm him down though it did next to nothing, “You know Zayn has a tendency of doing that. Was he upset before you left?”

“No,” Niall said at first, “I don’t think so. I don’t know. God, I don’t know.” Zayn hadn’t seemed upset before he’d left. They’d spent the whole morning together and Zayn had been fine. He’d kissed Niall goodbye. Nothing seemed off. Niall couldn’t think of a single sign that he’d missed.

“Well maybe he just wanted to get out of the house for a bit?” Liam tried, “He probably just went to get some food and ciggs, Ni. I’m sure he’s fine.”

“No,” Niall shook his head even though Liam couldn’t see him, “Something is wrong, Liam. I can feel it. He wouldn’t just leave like this without telling me if nothing was wrong.”

“How long has he been gone?” Liam asked.

“I don’t know. I left at three and when I came back he wasn’t here,” Niall answered, panic clear in his voice.

“Well maybe he just left right before you got back, Ni. He’s fine,” Liam assured him again, “He probably just needed to get out and clear his head.”

“No God, Liam you aren’t fucking listening to me,” Niall told him frustratedly, “I know how Zayn is, ok? I know the difference between what he does when he’s ok and what he does when he’s upset,” Niall stopped to bite his nail and glanced at the nightstands again. “We had these promise notes that we made for each other a couple of months ago that were on the nightstands and his is gone. He’s gone. And his phone is off. This isn’t ‘nothing’, Liam. Zayn is fucking gone and I don’t know where he is or if he’s ok or if he’s coming back, Liam. Christ, what if he’s not ok?”

Niall could hear the mumbled ‘Oh God’ from Liam on the other end of the line as he started to process what Niall had told him.

“Well call Harry and see if Zayn’s with him. If that doesn’t work then call his mum to see if they’ve talked but I’d at least wait until later just in case this really is nothing. But if he doesn’t come home by like eight then I’d definitely give Trish a call. But I promise you he’s fine,” Liam told him again though the braveness in his voice wavered just enough for Niall to pick up on the fact that he might have been starting to feel a bit more worried than he’d been initially.

Niall hung up and called Harry and the conversation went pretty similarly to how the conversation with Liam went. Zayn wasn’t with him but he was sure Zayn was ok and he offered to go check some of the bars and shops to see if he could found him there and Niall thanked him before they got off the phone.

As he started to brave himself up to call Zayn’s mum despite Liam’s advice to wait, there was a soft knock on the door and his heart swelled with hope that it was Zayn. He’d come back and he was ok and the boys had been right, Niall was just being a dramatic prat and Zayn was fine.

Niall practically ran to open the door but he immediately deflated when he saw that it was Ellie on the other side of the door and he couldn’t help it when his face crumpled with disappointment.

“Are you ok?” She asked, not crossing the threshold of the doorway when Niall walked away to sit on the bed with his head in his heads.

“What do you need?” Niall asked, his voice wobbling.

“I just came to see if you were ok,” She told him softly, still standing in the doorway, “You were gone long enough for me to get through half a Bake Off which also got me a bit hungry but I heard you through the wall. What’s wrong?”

“Zayn’s gone,” Niall told her flatly, “And apparently none of my friends know where he is so now I have to call my mother in law who is probably going to come down here and cut my head off if she wasn’t planning on it already for this,” he motioned at her and she frowned.

“Forgive me if I sound stupid, but why do you have to call his mum? He’s probably just gone out for a bit. He’s probably fine,” She told him calmly but it only irritated Niall more.

“His phone is off, Ellie. Do you turn your phone off when you’re peachy keen and ok? Do you just disappear without telling anyone and turn off your phone? What if something happened to him? He’s my bloody fucking husband. Even if he’s ‘fine’, he can’t just do that. He _doesn’t_ just do that. Please just- I need to handle this ok,” Niall told her more harshly than he meant to but he was panicking and it was Ellie’s fault and her calmness with the situation wasn’t helping him any.

He dialed up Trisha as soon as the door was shut again behind Ellie and she picked up on the third ring.

“Niall?” She asked, her voice a bit harsher than usual but he couldn’t really blame her for it.

“Yes, hi it’s me Mrs. Malik,” Niall told her, his chest already tightening with apprehension.

“Is something wrong?” Trisha asked immediately, “Not that I don’t appreciate you calling but.”

“Um no,” Niall lied, trying to keep his voice even, “I was just wondering if you’d talked to Zayn today?”

“No I didn’t,” Trisha spoke slowly, her voice tipping up at the end with confusion, “Why?”

“Um, nothing no, I- I was just curious, um because he told me he’d give you a call today but um I guess- I guess he didn’t. My mistake. I’ll make sure I get on him for that and remind him to give you a call when he gets back in,” Niall lied again, stumbling over his words.

“Are you sure everything is alright, Niall?” Trisha asked skeptically in response to his nonsensical rambling.

“Yeah, no, it’s fine. Everything’s ok, um, yeah sorry I bothered you I just-“ Niall started to lie again but Trisha cut him off before he could even finish.

“Did something happen to my boy, Niall?” Trisha asked, her tone void of any traces of patience for anymore of his lies.

“I don’t know,” Niall cracked, “I was calling to see if he was on his way there. I left the house at three and when I came back he wasn’t here and he’s not with any of the boys and his phone is off and I’m worried. It’s probably nothing, just me being a paranoid newlywed and what not but I just, I was worried.”

Trisha let out a little motherly hum in her throat at his admission, “I figured something was wrong. Well no, he’s not on his way here to my knowledge but he did tell me what happened the other night so I wouldn’t be surprised if he was.”

“Oh God,” Niall groaned.

“Yeah. As much as I would love to scold you on that, I’d rather you do your job of being my son’s husband and go bloody find him,” Trisha told him seriously, “And don’t lie to me ever again, Niall. If something’s happened to him it’s on your head.”

Niall let out a shaky sigh in response and smoothed a hand back through his hair as he exhaled into the phone, “I know, Mrs. Malik. I know.”

Niall spent another few minutes with his head down in his hands after they got off of the phone before he finally gathered enough composure to go out into the living room and apologize to Ellie again for being rude.

“It’s fine, Niall,” Ellie sighed, not taking her eyes off the telly.

“I’m just stressed, ok? This is a very stressful situation and I’m not good with dealing with very stressful situations,” He told her, gripping onto the edge of the counter.

“It’s fine, Niall,” Ellie repeated, “I get it. I came, Zayn left, you’re worried. It’s ok.”

Niall looked down and let out a breath as he took his hands away from the counter and rubbed them through his hair, “You said you were hungry before. Do you want me to make you something? Order in? Do you have cravings?”

Ellie let out a little laugh and finally turned away from Bake Off to look at him. She smiled and even though he was still stressed out and upset, he couldn’t help but to reciprocate it. She just had that effect on him. She always had. “You cook?”

“Yeah I can cook,” Niall scoffed, mocking offense at her question.

“As much as I’d love to see that, maybe a pizza for today? Or Chinese?” Ellie stroked her chin. Niall’s eyes softened as he watched her.

“Do you just want both?” Niall suggested with a small smile.

“That sounds fantastic,” Ellie grinned.

***

Blue. That is what Zayn saw before it all went black. Blue. He saw the café. He saw the dark overcast sky and then he was under the water, surrounded by blue. He thought it was ironic that the color of the sea he was drowning in was the same color as Niall’s eyes. Maybe they weren’t quite the same color in reality but in his mind they were the very same hue of pure, intoxicating, lethal blue. But then it all went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short and the ending is ambiguous but I've already started working on the next chapter and it will be longer and hopefully posted by next weekend. I'm really sorry that I haven't been on top of responding to comments but please know that I appreciate them every time you all leave them as well as kudos. Thank you guys so much for your feedback and for sticking with the story xx.
> 
> (Also just a little side note, even though Harry's not even in this chapter but I feel like it needs to be mentioned that two years ago today, the party that Nick Grimshaw threw for him inspired LMBETL which then inspired Lightning in A Bottle and then brought about this story. Can't believe it's already been so long and I'm still going with it and that you guys are still reading but once again thanks and I appreciate every single one of you)


	5. Can't You See

The first thing Zayn saw when he woke up was rain. He was back inside of the café and soaked down to his bones but someone had wrapped him up in thick fleece blankets and sat him at one of the tables in front of the windows again.

“Jesus Christ,” he muttered as he sat up and brought a hand to his pounding head. He was still drunk but it was different than it had been before. Less emotionally painful and more physically painful. His limbs felt heavy and his head felt swimmy. He was dizzy and all he wanted was to go home.

“Oi, you’re awake then?” the waitress from earlier asked, her gaze on him even more wary than before.

“ ‘m awake. Regretfully cause I feel like shit but awake,” Zayn nodded and accepted the cup of coffee she offered to him.

“Yeah alcohol and swims in the Thames have never been the best of combos,” She told him with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes but it did relieve some of Zayn’s discomfort just a bit.

“Oh God, I’m sorry. I-“ He started but she held up a hand to stop him.

“No don’t. You don’t have to apologize or explain. We all make drunken mistakes. I’m sure you’re already embarrassed enough,” She told him kindly.

“Who um- found me? I have to tell them thank you obviously,” Zayn said with a slight tinge in his cheeks as he looked around the now empty café.

“You can thank me by drinking that coffee and calling someone to come pick you up,” the waitress told him with another small smile.

“You?” Zayn asked. The waitress nodded.

“I watched after you left,” she saw the slight quirk in Zayn’s brows and clarified, “You looked upset when you came in and then you ordered a whole bottle of wine to-go and left towards the shore. A few people watched actually, not for the same reasons I did. They watched more just because of how fit you are, less out of actual concern. I saw you sitting in front of the water and then I saw you walking into the water and then all I saw was water and you weren’t on the sand and you didn’t come back up so.”

“Well thank you,” Zayn said quietly, “I wasn’t trying to-- I would never be that guy.”

“What guy?” She asked, wiping the inside of a glass with a cloth.

“The kind of guy that tries to off himself where someone else would have to find his body you know. Not that I was trying to kill myself at all like I said. I just know how it must’ve looked,” Zayn explained.

“You were sad, you were drunk, you took a swim. They just weren’t a good combination,” she shrugged, “But if you did want to- you know- even just a little bit, it’s not worth it. I can promise you that.”

“You don’t know my life right now,” Zayn snorted sardonically and took a long sip from his coffee. She looked at him curiously and glanced at the seat beside him and he nodded for her to sit down.

Zayn was not a beach person. Zayn was not a drinker. Zayn was not suicidal and Zayn did not tell his personal life stories to anyone, let alone complete strangers but Zayn was drunk at a beach café after he almost drowned himself and for whatever reason he felt like he needed to tell this nameless waitress his story.

“I married my best friend a few months ago and we were really really happy. We started looking at houses in Amsterdam because that’s where we went for our honeymoon and we absolutely loved the place. And so we told our friends the other night and while they’re yelling at us he gets a call. Oh yeah, I’m gay by the way but he isn’t. Not really because it’s this girl that he used to hook up with when we first started dating that calls him and she says she’s pregnant. She’s pregnant and she says that it’s his baby. And then get this,” Zayn stopped to take a sip of his coffee while the waitress watched him curiously, “She says she needs a place to stay! Can you fucking believe it? And he says yes! He says his pregnant ex-fling can move in with us. I cannot fucking believe it. So he goes to pick her up today and I freak out and I pack up and I run cause that’s what I do when things suck, I guess; I run. So I drive here and I get a bottle of wine and I drink and then I go in the water and then you find me.”

She didn’t speak at first when he was done. She just looked around awkwardly and wiped the inside of another glass with the cloth. “That sounds hard.”

“It’s harder to live it,” Zayn told her bitterly, taking another sip of coffee.

“Even so, killing yourself wouldn’t fix things,” She told him and he rolled his eyes.

“I told you I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I made a bad decision. Apparently every decision I’ve made since I started sleeping with him has been a bad decision,” Zayn shook his head. He knew he was saying too much and that it sounded awful but he was drunk and frankly he felt like the only person he could really be honest with was this nameless waitress. He couldn’t say these things to anyone he really knew because there was a chance that it would get back to Niall and even though he was upset, he still didn’t want to lose him.

“You had to have loved him at some point if you married him,” She told him, indulging him in the conversation.

“Of course I loved him. I still love him. I’m pretty sure loving him is what drove me here and what fucking drowned me,” He frowned. She eyed him for a moment with her lips pressed together and he furrowed his brows, taking another sip from the coffee. “What?”

“I’ve just never been in love like that before. A love that consumes you so much you drink a whole bottle of wine and drown in the Thames,” she shrugged again.

“Neither have I. Not before Niall. I didn’t think I’d ever be in a love like this. Didn’t think I’d _let_ myself ever be in love like this but I didn’t really have much of a choice,” He said and she propped her chin in  her elbow to watch him as he spoke. He looked at her then, getting a good look at the girl who’d saved his life for the first time. She was young and thin but toned enough for him to not wonder how she’d managed to pull him out alone. Her hair was short in a golden brown a-line long bob and he remembered that it’d been straight earlier but it was wavier now from the water and her winged eyeliner and lilac lips were now smudged. She was beautiful but the blue of her eyes reminded him of Niall’s and he had to look away. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was already almost seven o’ clock.

“Christ, I need to get home,” he murmured, cradling his still throbbing head in his heads.

“Well you can’t drive,” She informed him like he wasn’t already aware.

“I know you’ve already saved my life but could I get one more favor by using your phone? Mine is off and in my car,” Zayn told her and she nodded towards the phone on the wall.

Zayn stood dizzily and walking only proved to be even more of a challenge but the nameless waitress helped him to walk over to the phone and pulled a chair out for him to sit in while he made the call.

There were only two numbers that Zayn had ever managed to learn by heart; his Mum’s and Niall’s. There was no way he was going to bother his mother with driving down to get him but he almost wanted to because he didn’t want to have to explain why he was drunk in Canvey Island to Niall even less. He knew how bad this was going to look and he knew he’d have to have the conversation sooner rather than later but he didn’t want to have it tonight. All he wanted was to be at home asleep with a not-worried Niall wrapped around him. He didn’t have much of a choice, no choice at all really so he braved himself for the call.

It probably didn’t take as long in reality as it did in Zayn’s mind for Niall to answer the phone but he did begin to have an edge of doubt that he wasn’t going to pick up until he did, answering with a cautious and quiet “hello?”

“Niall, it’s me, Zayn,” Zayn told him tiredly.

“Zayn? Are you ok? What are you doing all the way in Essex, babe?” He asked and Zayn really didn’t like how worried his voice was. He could just picture in his mind the way that Niall was probably curled up in their bed with his knees to his chest, biting his nail the way he always did when he was anxious. He hadn’t been doing it so much in the past couple of months when they were happy and everything was ok but ever since the call he’d picked the habit back up.

“I’m ok,” Zayn told him, resting his head on his forearm, “Drunk, sleepy, but I’m ok. Can you do me a favor and tell me Haz’s number so I can give him a ring to come get me. My phone’s in the car.”

“Harry? No, I’ll come get you,” Niall told him but Zayn protested immediately.

“No Niall, really it’s fine. I’m sure Harry wouldn’t mind,” Zayn insisted.

“Zayn it’s a bloody hour drive,” Niall insisted.

“I’m not in Essex. It’s a mistake with the area code on the phone,” Zayn lied, “I’m close. Harry can come get me, Ni.”

Niall went quiet for a bit and Zayn could tell that his lying and insisting on having Harry come get him had probably hurt him. He didn’t like it, it made him feel shit to lie but he didn’t want a hard conversation or an hour in the car with a sad Niall and loads of questions. He just wanted to go home and go to sleep and pretend that none of this had happened.

“Are you coming home tonight?” Niall asked and Zayn couldn’t really decipher whether it was a feeble warning not to or a weary plea.

“Do you want me to?” Zayn asked cautiously and he could only barely make out the little puff of breath that escaped from Niall in response.

“Of course I want you to come home. I never wanted you to leave in the first place,” Niall told him and Zayn hung his head.

“I didn’t leave but ok,” Zayn responded and he heard Niall sigh. He probably wanted to push it farther but he held back and let Zayn have his peace.

Niall’s voice sounded sad as he gave Zayn the number but he could just make out the bit of relief in it that Zayn was ok and calling and planning on coming home even if he was lying about where he was. Harry’s voice on the other hand was not quite as peaceful.

“Canvey Island?” Harry blurted out as soon as Zayn told him, “What the hell are you doing all the way out in Canvey Island?”

“Don’t want to talk about it,” Zayn muttered, resting his head on the wood of the doorframe that led to the kitchen, “Harry will you please just come get me?”

“Of course,” Harry told him tiredly, “But have you spoken to Niall? Does he know where you are? Last time we talked he didn’t and he was bloody freaking out worrying about you.”

“I just got off the phone with him. He knows I’m at a bar. He doesn’t know I’m in Canvey Island though and I’d prefer if it stayed that way,” Zayn requested quietly.

“Zayn you shouldn’t lie to him,” Harry said.

“I’m not lying. Well not really. He already knows because it came up on the caller ID, I just didn’t confirm it. Listen, I don’t want to talk about it tonight, ok? I’m drunk and I’m sad and tired and I just want to go home, ok Harry? Can you please just come get me so I can go home?” Zayn asked, shutting his eyes and keeping his forehead against the wood.

“Of course I will. Should I bring Lou with me to get your car?” Harry asked.

“No,” Zayn told him immediately because he didn’t want any more people knowing about him lying than need be, “We can get it tomorrow.”

“You want us to drive an entire hour back there again tomorrow to get your car?” Harry asked incredulously.

“Please Haz,” Zayn whined, “I don’t want this to be a bigger thing than it has to. If you bring Louis, he’ll tell Liam and then Liam will tell Niall and I don’t want to deal with it. Not tonight.”

“Fine,” Harry muttered, doing nothing to hide the annoyance in his tone.

“Thanks Haz, see you in a little bit,” Zayn told him before he hung up the phone and turned to rest his head on the wall.

“You do know you can’t hide this right?” The nameless waitress asked from where she’d still been sitting at the table by the window.

“What?” Zayn retorted tiredly.

“I mean I suppose you could try but you shouldn’t,” she went on, approaching the drink bar that Zayn was sitting behind, “Not that it’s my business but I’m just saying.”

“You’re right,” Zayn narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, “It’s not your business.”

“I’m just saying,” She shrugged noncommittally, “If whatever happened before was enough to make you drive here and nearly kill yourself, hiding things will only make it worse.”

“Are you married?” Zayn asked crassly.

“No,” the nameless waitress answered carefully.

“ ‘ve you got a boyfriend then? Got someone you love so much you’d let your entire guard down for even though it scares the living shit out of you? Ever gotten screwed over by that person after they promised you countless times that you were safe with them? That they’d never try to hurt you or betray you and then they trap you in a marriage with them and their unborn baby and their ex and all you want to do is run but you can’t?” Zayn asked. “No I bet you haven’t. You couldn’t understand what it’s like unless you have.”

The nameless waitress grimaced and rolled up the sleeve of her white button down, turning over her arm so that Zayn could see the fading scars just over her right wrist hidden beneath a butterfly tattoo. Zayn’s mouth fell open and she nodded as she rolled the sleeve back down and cuffed it.

“I haven’t got a boyfriend and I haven’t been in a love like yours so no, I can’t say I completely understand what you’re going through, but I know what it feels like to be in pain. I know what it feels like to be so sad that you feel like you haven’t got any other options than to slice your wrist open or drink and drown in the ocean. It’s not the same kind of hurt but it’s pain all the same and I can tell you that lying about it will only bring you right back here to where you are now,” She looked down and then back at Zayn. “Tell him how you feel. Leave him. Fight for him. Do something but you can’t hide it anymore. You’ve got a second chance. Some people aren’t that lucky. Don’t waste it.”

Zayn swallowed and looked at her wrist again before he looked back into her eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but he was speechless. She was right. He’d lied. He’d given up. He’d given up on Niall and hell, he’d almost given up on his life but he’d been given a second chance. Maybe it was just the liquid courage still pumping through his veins but Zayn thought that maybe, just maybe it was time to really be honest with Niall. Time to tell him how he felt, how much he hated the situation, how much it really had hurt him.

***

Niall had actually started to relax just the slightest bit while he and Ellie sat in the living room eating Chinese and pizza with CBB on the telly. It was impossible for him not to be aware of Zayn’s absence but something about at least having Ellie there brought him just the slightest bit of comfort. He couldn’t help but glance at her every now and again from where he sat on the opposite couch, taking in her belly or just the fact that this woman who he’d been so intimate with yet knew relatively little about was carrying his child and sitting on his couch, moving into his flat. She caught him staring at her a few times but she didn’t seem too uncomfortable about it. She blushed and just smiled a bit, averting her gaze back to the TV the first few times but when it kept happening Ellie started to smile back and laugh.

“What is it, Horan? ‘ve I got something on my face? What are you staring at?” Ellie joked when she’d caught Niall looking at her again. Niall smirked and shrugged, shaking his head but Ellie wouldn’t take that for an answer. “No come on, out with it. What are you staring at?”

“Nothing,” Niall insisted, taking a bite from his pizza, “Just trying to take it all in.” Ellie snorted and rolled her eyes. “It’s a lot to adjust to.”

“I mean I suppose if you’re seeing it for the first time,” Ellie agreed, “But you ogling at me is strange. Haven’t done it in ages.”

Niall let out a little snort of his own, “Please. I did not ‘ogle’ at you.”

“Oh you didn’t?” Ellie scoffed.

“No, I didn’t,” Niall asserted.

“Please I didn’t even have to touch you to get you hard. You just had to look at me and bam there it was,” Ellie chuckled and Niall blushed.

“Jesus Christ, Ellie,” Niall groaned putting his face in his hands though he couldn’t help but to laugh.

“Sorry is that inappropriate since you’re married now? I mean it doesn’t change the fact that it’s true but I’d hate to be rude,” Ellie smirked and Niall had to bite down on his knuckle to keep from replying too soon. This was not good. He shouldn’t have been laughing and joking with Ellie when Zayn wasn’t here. He shouldn’t have been feeling so comfortable and familiar again already. Thankfully his phone buzzed but then his heart stopped for a moment when he saw that it was an unknown number with an area code from Essex. His face fell and Ellie noticed immediately.

“What’s wrong?” She asked as he got up from the couch.

“Someone’s calling,” Niall responded before he rushed down the hall to the bedroom and shut the door softly behind him.

 

He’d thought that Zayn calling would relieve his worries and make him feel better and it did to a point but Zayn had lied to him again and it hurt. It hurt him that Zayn could never just fully be open and honest with him. Niall was always open with Zayn. He answered truthfully when Zayn asked him things, he never hid his emotions the way that Zayn did. He knew it wasn’t intentional but it did nothing to stop the twinge of hurt he felt every time Zayn shut him out. He hated it and he did nothing to hide his dissatisfaction when he went back out into the living room to start cleaning up instead of sitting back down with Ellie.

“Everything ok?” Ellie asked when Niall came back, his brows furrowed and lips pouted as he picked up the food and threw it on the counter before coming back for the plates.

“I’m fine,” Niall grumbled but it was clearly a lie.

“You sure?” Ellie asked tentatively, “You look upset.”

Niall opened his mouth but shut it because he didn’t know how he was supposed to respond. He liked to believe that he and Ellie were friends, that he could talk to her about things but it didn’t feel right talking to her about Zayn. Every interaction they had felt like it tiptoed on a fine line and he felt like saying anything about his marriage crossed that line even if he really did just need support at the moment. He responded by letting out a sigh and shaking his head, a silent _‘I can’t’_ , and Ellie nodded, leaving it at that.

***

It must’ve been quite the sight when Harry walked into the dimly lit and empty café to find Zayn sat across from the nameless waitress sipping on his second cup of coffee, surprisingly with a small smile on his face. Had he been closer he would’ve known that the smile was because they were talking about Niall and the boys and how things had been before, when he and Niall weren’t married and Harry hadn’t cheated on Louis and none of them knew how painful heartbreak was yet. It was intimate and suspicious to the naked eye but Harry knew that Zayn wasn’t interested in females even when he was drunk so he didn’t exactly feel like he was walking in on anything suspect, Zayn just didn’t usually look at people the way that he was looking at the waitress unless they were in his close circle.

Zayn’s eyes immediately lit up when the bell over the door rang and Harry walked in. Even though he was a bit annoyed that he’d had to drive an hour to get Zayn and he would have to do it again the next day to get his car, Harry still smiled and walked over enveloping Zayn in a deep hug. He mumbled a “why’re you wet” into Zayn’s neck because he was still pretty damp from the ocean and the rain but Zayn didn’t answer and Harry took it that they’d talk about it in the car.

“Is this your husband?” The nameless waitress asked, eyeing them curiously with the hint of a smile of her own.

Zayn shook his head, smile still on his lips as he looked Harry up and down and then looked back at the waitress. Harry took a good look at her for the first time and Zayn might not have been interested in her but he definitely was.

“No, not the husband. I’m Harry,” Harry stretched out the hand that wasn’t resting on the small of Zayn’s back for her to shake and his dimples popped out on his cheeks with his grin.

“Harry,” she repeated as she shook his hand, “I’m Zoe.”

“Zoe,” Zayn repeated because they’d been talking for nearly two hours and she’d saved his life and he hadn’t even known her name, “I’m Zayn.”

“Zayn,” she nodded and then looked back at Harry, “Well um, thank you for coming to get him. He’s um, he’s pretty drunk but I gave him some coffee and water to help sober him up.”

“I hope he wasn’t rowdy or anything,” Harry said, feeling like a parent having a conference with his son’s teacher and the pout on Zayn’s lips at his response confirmed it.

“No he was really sweet. Nice guy,” she smiled at Zayn and then back at Harry. “You take care ok, Zayn? No more drinking and swimming in the Thames. Come back some time.” Zayn nodded and Harry looked at him curiously before he looked at the waitress again and Zayn hooked his finger around Harry’s belt loop to get him moving out of the door.

 

“Want to tell me what that was all about?” Harry asked when Zayn had gotten into his car after retrieving his phone from his truck and turning it on to see all of his missed notifications.

“Dogs bollocks how many times did you lot bloody call? Why did my mum call?” Zayn asked, paying Harry no attention.

“Well Niall was really worried about you, Zayn,” Harry said, “He thought you bloody left.”

“Why did he call my mum though?” Zayn asked, scrolling through the screen to get rid of the notifications.

“He thought maybe you were on your way there. He didn’t know where you were. I was bloody looking through every bar and shop on Sixth Street for you before you called,” Harry told him.

“Well you found me,” Zayn said sarcastically and he didn’t really expect Harry to smile or laugh but he sure as hell didn’t like the worried look he got in response.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Harry asked quietly, pulling to a stop at the red light. It cast a pale light over Zayn’s face, deepening the shadows under his eyes and for the first time that night Harry got a real look at how sad Zayn truly was.

“What is there to talk about?” Zayn turned to look out of the window, tugging his lip between his teeth.

“Why’re we here, Z?” Harry prompted him. Zayn didn’t respond to him immediately but Harry knew better than to expect him to.

“I just- I-“ Zayn shrugged and sighed, “I drove. And then I got drunk and I couldn’t drive myself home so I needed you to pick me up.”

Harry rolled his eyes and shook his head, “That’s not it. I know that’s not it.” Zayn shrugged, keeping his gaze outside of the window. “Talk to me, Zayn. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“No,” Zayn said immediately and Harry turned to look at him. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Something happened, Zayn, I know it. Just tell me,” Harry pressed but Zayn gave nothing.

“Nothing happened,” Zayn lied quietly, looking down at his folded hands in his lap.

Harry threw him a disgruntled look but he didn’t push Zayn any farther. The silence between them was heavy and Harry’s depressing acoustics playing softly over the hum of the tires on the road didn’t help pick up Zayn’s mood at all. He tried to rest his head against the window and go to sleep but he could feel the way that Harry would look at him every few minutes and it bothered him, keeping him awake.

“Stop looking at me, Styles,” Zayn grumbled, turning his forehead so that it rested on the cool glass and shut his eyes.

“Why are you so stubborn?” Harry asked him frustratedly and Zayn frowned, turning his head again.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Zayn murmured back tiredly.

“Why are you riding in my car right now instead of your husband’s?” Harry responded and Zayn opened his eyes to glare at him.

“Don’t,” Zayn warned him, holding up his finger.

“You were running away, weren’t you?” Harry accused him and he didn’t have to look at Zayn to know that he’d gotten it right.

“I was not running away,” Zayn grumbled defensively.

“What were you doing then?” Harry asked flippantly.

“I told you. I just needed to get out for a bit. I was coming back,” Zayn said and Harry let out a puff of breath, shaking his head like he didn’t believe him. “I was.”

“So then why did you get so drunk that you couldn’t drive yourself back, Zayn? Why wouldn’t you let me bring Louis? Why did you lie to Niall? Why Zayn?” Harry pushed.

“Stop,” Zayn grimaced, wrapping his arms around himself protectively.

“Answer me,” Harry told him sternly.

“I wanted to, ok? I’m a pathetic husband so I fucking left. Is that what you want to hear, Harry? I didn’t want to be there when he brought her home so I left because that’s what I do. I didn’t know where I was going, I just drove until I ended up here and then I drank until I blacked out. I didn’t want to talk about it and I knew if Niall came to get me he’d either make me talk or keep looking at me with that same gross puppy dog look that you did until I broke. Are you fucking happy?” Zayn spat and then turned to look out of the window again.

“Zayn,” Harry tsked softly, sounding far too motherly for Zayn’s taste and it made his stomach clench.

“That’s all I’m fucking saying about it,” Zayn said harshly, crossing his arms again. “I’m not like you and Liam, ok? If you thought you were gonna get me in the car sobbing like a blubbery baby over Niall, you’re sadly fucking mistaken.”

“I know because you’re just like Louis,” Harry murmured and Zayn narrowed his eyes. “You’re both stubborn little mules that shut down and run away anytime you’re upset instead of actually trying to fix things. I don’t see why you two don’t get that it never actually works, though. You can’t just run away from things, Zayn. What the hell did you think was going to happen?”

“I don’t fucking know,” Zayn responded defensively, “I wasn’t thinking. I just- I fucking told you, I just needed to get out. I was coming back for fuck’s sake.”

“Well Niall didn’t know that. None of us knew that. He was bloody off the handle calling everyone up because he thought you’d gone and bloody left him without even saying anything, Zayn. You can’t just do that to him,” Harry scolded him.

“I know that,” Zayn said frustratedly.

“So then why would you fucking do it?” Harry pressed, “Was that your point? What, were you trying to get him back or something? By doing this, by making him think you left him?”

“Of course not!” Zayn grimaced, “I told you I just needed to get out.”

“But you could have said something, Zayn. You could have told him that or picked up when he called you. You really fucking hurt him and I’m sure you insisting on having me pick you up instead of him didn’t help any,” Harry told him, looking more at Zayn than the road because he needed Zayn to get it.

“I didn’t know how!” Zayn huffed.

“What do you mean you didn’t know how?” Harry asked, “Use your words like a big boy? Talk to him? I’m sure a simple ‘Hey Ni, just need to get out for a bit’ would have sufficed, Zayn.”

“You don’t fucking get it,” Zayn shook his head and leaned back in his seat.

“I can only understand as much as you tell me, Zayn,” Harry responded with a slight shrug.

“The whole point was that I didn’t want him to be worried. And I didn’t want to worry about him. All I’ve thought about for these past three days is this shitty fucking situation and every single fucking ‘what if’ and it has literally fucking drained me, Harry. For one fucking second I wanted to get out and be alone and not think about it. I was selfish and stupid but for one fucking goddamn minute I got to have some kind of control over my life again. I didn’t have to see the way that Niall watches me like he’s scared I’m on the edge of running out at any second or how sad and scared he’s been since that bitch called him and ruined everything,” Zayn confessed. Harry looked at him and let out a breath but didn’t respond. “I know I hurt him and I’ve probably made things a lot worse but it is what it is. I can’t take it back.”

“But have you talked to him?” Harry asked, “Have you told him that you feel like this?”

Zayn grimaced and looked out of the window again, “I can’t but I shouldn’t fucking have to, Haz. God, why is it that everyone can see how fucked up this is except for him? Why can’t-“ his voice broke and Harry immediately turned to look at him as he clenched his fist and bit down on his knuckle. “Why can’t he just fucking see how hard this is for me, Haz? He knows me. He has to fucking know. But she’s still in our flat.”

“Zayn,” Harry said quietly, putting his arm around Zayn’s thin shoulders and Zayn leaned over to put his face down on Harry’s.

“I’m trying so fucking hard to be ok, Haz. I’m trying so fucking hard to be ok with this and to be strong for him but I can’t. I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to handle this. Every fucking day I feel like I’m drowning more and more,” Zayn shook his head, taking in a wet sniffle. Harry shushed him and rubbed up and down his shoulder.

“You have to talk to him, Zayn. You can’t keep this bottled up inside,” Harry urged him.

“I know that,” Zayn replied because it was what everyone kept telling him but it didn’t make it any easier to do.

“So why can’t you just do it?” Harry asked gently, “You know Niall would never judge you. You got lucky. You married a guy that will love you unconditionally and irrevocably, Z. Just tell him.”

“Because it’s me versus his family, Harry,” Zayn sniffed, “Don’t you fucking get that? She’s having his _child_. He’s always wanted a baby. And he has fucking fatherly obligations to it. I’m just- what? A phase? A glitch in the universe until he fucking realizes he was meant to be with Ellie and leaves me?”

“Don’t say that,” Harry told him softly, “You are not some glitch or phase, Zayn. Niall loves you. Anyone can bloody fucking see that and I know you know that for yourself.”

“He _wants_ to love me. He _believes_ he loves me. He wants to think that he’s gay for me but he’s not, Harry,” Zayn shook his head.

Harry’s mind went back to the night Zayn and Niall had told them that they were engaged. When he’d basically said the exact same thing to Niall in the kitchen and Niall hadn’t necessarily denied it. He knew labels weren’t everything but Niall had never been with another man before Zayn, he’d always been with girls and the only reason he’d proposed was because he was scared that Zayn was going to keep doubting him until he ran if he didn’t.  But even so, there was no denying the genuine love in Niall’s eyes everytime he looked at Zayn. There was no denying the love that was there when he talked about him and the fear that had been there that afternoon when he’d thought he’d lost him and Harry told Zayn as such.

“I can’t tell you for sure where his head is at but I can assure you that his love is genuine, Zayn. That boy is completely gone for you and there’s nothing you can tell me that would make me believe otherwise,” Harry said as he pulled into Zayn’s flat complex and Zayn swallowed.  Harry watched Zayn hesitantly but he didn’t move, just sat still in the passenger seat biting down on his finger between his teeth. “I can come up with you if you want,” he said slowly but Zayn shook his head.

“No, no. I can do this. I just need a second,” Zayn told him, taking a deep breath. Harry nodded even though he was still going to go inside anyways.

“You get out when you’re ready ok,” Harry told him as he opened his door to get out and Zayn nodded back nervously. Harry gave his shoulder a light squeeze and then got out of the car, shutting the door gently behind him.

 

Niall’s head snapped almost as suddenly as Harry had opened the door to the flat and his face immediately fell with disappointment.

“Where is he?” Niall asked, brushing past Harry to see if Zayn was just farther back down the hall but it was empty.

“He’s still in the car,” Harry told him, walking into the kitchen to get a slice of pizza.

“Why?” Niall asked, following him, “Is he not coming inside?”

“He is,” Harry said, “He just needed a minute, I think.”

“Why?” Niall pressed, “Is something wrong? Is he upset?”

Harry opened his mouth to speak because he wanted to say something but he closed it because he knew it wasn’t his place. Zayn needed to talk to Niall when he was ready to have the conversation. It wasn’t Harry’s call to make the decision for him even if he wanted it to be.

“What did he say, Harry?” Niall pushed farther but Harry only shook his head.

“Just don’t push him too much tonight, Ni. I know you’re worried and you want answers but he’s only going to shut down if you ask him too much,” Harry said quietly, “And make sure Ellie stays like far away from him.” Niall frowned but nodded.

The door creaked open just a bit for Zayn to slip inside and he shut it gently behind him but Niall’s head whipped again all the same.

“Hi,” he said meekly, keeping his hands behind his back over the door knob.

“Hi,” Niall breathed as he rushed over and enveloped Zayn into a deep embrace and peppered his face and neck with desperate little kisses.

“You’re not mad,” Zayn said as more of a statement of surprise than a question but his face softened into a little smile as Niall held onto him even tighter and Zayn hugged him back.

“I’m just happy that you’re home,” Niall murmured into his still damp shoulder.

“I’m just gonna head out,” Harry told them as he slipped behind them to get to the door.

“Thank you for bringing him home,” Niall sent him a weak smile.

“Yeah thanks for everything, Haz,” Zayn thanked him, “See you tomorrow.”

Harry planted a wet kiss to Zayn’s forehead and rubbed his knuckles in Niall’s hair, “You’re welcome boys. Love you, see you tomorrow.”

“Ready for bed?” Niall asked, taking Zayn’s hand in his to walk him down the hall to their bedroom as if he was scared that Zayn would slip away again if he let go. Zayn didn’t use words, just nodded his head tiredly and let himself be led.

To Zayn’s surprise Niall didn’t press him to talk, he didn’t talk very much at all. Niall pulled Zayn’s wet clothes off of him, leaving them in a pile on the floor, before he slipped a fresh pair of dry boxers and one of his baseball jerseys onto his husband making sure he kept their hands linked at all times. He climbed on top of Zayn when they were both in bed and Zayn thought that he was going to give him a kiss on the lips but he planted a long chaste kiss to his forehead instead.

“I’m glad that you’re home,” Niall said again quietly, wrapping his fingers around Zayn’s, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Zayn mumbled, running his fingers up Niall’s spine lightly. Niall looked up at Zayn with a loaded look, almost as if he didn’t believe that Zayn meant it anymore and it made Zayn frown. “I love you,” he repeated assuringly but Niall looked down again.

Zayn fell asleep a short time later but Niall stayed awake because his mind couldn’t stop racing over the fact that he’d felt what it was like to lose Zayn even if it had only been for a few hours. It was a terrible feeling and if it were up to him, he’d never have to feel it again, he wouldn’t have even felt it in the first place but it wasn’t up to him. It was up to Zayn and he wasn’t so sure anymore that he could trust Zayn to not make him feel like that. The one person he’d trusted more than anyone had hurt him and it wasn’t just something he could get over even though he’d come back. He’d known things were going to change but nothing could have prepared him for how much pain they were actually going to be forced to endure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice little Friday the 13th / Valentine's Day update for you guys :)


	6. A Change of Heart, A Twist of Fate (Come Back When You Can)

By the time Zayn had woken up, Niall had already managed to lay him out a standard tea and toast breakfast with two tablets of paracetamol and a glass of water for the hangover he knew Zayn would have. Niall himself wasn’t in the room and the empty, long since gone cold spot in their bed beside Zayn made his stomach turn even more than his hangover. He couldn’t particularly remember everything that had happened the day before but he knew he’d fucked up.

He’d broken his promise and left. He’d come back but it didn’t change the fact that he’d left even if it had only been for a few hours. It was selfish and careless and he felt like absolute shit because he’d known that even if it hadn’t been intentional, he’d hurt Niall. He felt it in the way that Niall had clung to him the night before like he was afraid Zayn would leave again if he didn’t. He saw it in Niall’s eyes when he’d looked away the last time that Zayn had told him that he loved him.

His thoughts were interrupted when Niall opened the door, shutting it behind him but keeping his hands behind his back over the knob like he wasn’t sure if he was going to stay.

“You’re up,” Niall observed with a slight nod of his head. His face looked sad and worried and Zayn didn’t like the lack of light in his eyes at all.

He clenched his jaw and swallowed, stretching his hand out to pat the space in bed beside him and Niall obliged, letting go of the door and crawling into bed slowly. There wasn’t much space between them, barely a few centimeters but the lack of contact made it feel as if Zayn was still in Canvey Island and Niall was here an hour away from him. It had never been like this between them before, awkward and restrained, and Zayn would have given anything at that moment to take it all back so that Niall would just touch him or at the very least look at him.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn broke immediately. ‘ _For leaving. For lying. For being selfish. For being a shit husband.’_ He thought but all that came out was, “I am so, so sorry.”Niall still didn’t look at him. He kept his face turned away a bit, biting down on his thumbnail. “Niall, please just say something,” Zayn pled because anything Niall could have said to him would have been better than him lying next to Zayn so uncharacteristically silent and distant.

All Niall responded with was a simple and quiet, “you left”.

All it took was two words and Zayn shattered.

“I came back though,” he insisted, “I told you I would always come back and I did, Ni. I came back.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you still left in the first place, Zayn,” Niall’s voice broke and he finally turned to look at him with wet eyes and tinged cheeks.

“Ni,” Zayn said helplessly. He reached out to touch him but Niall flinched away and any piece of Zayn that wasn’t already broken shattered even more.

“You left me, Zayn. I don’t care what you say, what excuse you make. You fucking left. You told me you were ok. You _promised_ me you would tell me when you weren’t so that I could fucking help you but you didn’t. You lied to me. You fucking lied to me and left me and gave up on this and us and me and-,” Niall shook his head as he got up from the bed and sank down against the wall. “God, do you know how that fucking felt for me, Zayn? Did you even fucking consider what that would do to me? How much that would fucking shatter me to come home when I fucking needed you, when I needed your bloody fucking support and to know that you were ok and that we were ok but you weren’t even bloody fucking here?”

“I’m sorry, Niall,” Zayn huffed exasperatedly. “Please just-,” Zayn licked his lips and shook his head, running his hands through his hair because he didn’t know what to say and he was starting to feel nauseous.

“Why?” Niall barked out from his place on the floor as he ran a hand through his own hair, “Why? Tell me. Make me understand, Zayn. Why?”

“Why what?” Zayn asked desperately.

“Why did you do it? Why did you leave?” Niall asked and though his voice was scathing and his arms were crossed, Zayn could tell from his eyes just how broken down he truly was.

“I don’t know,” Zayn grumbled, rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes so hard he saw bright spots on the backs of his eyelids.

“Answer me,” Niall growled so sharply Zayn actually thought for a second that he might come close again just to snap Zayn’s neck in half.

“I freaked out, ok?” Zayn said because it was all he could come up with. “You left and all I saw was everything we’d had and how it was all changing-“

“Bullshit,” Niall interrupted him angrily, “That is not fucking enough, Zayn. That is not enough of an explanation.”

“What do you want me to say then?” Zayn yelled back.

“The fucking truth, Zayn! You freaked out. Why? Why did you freak out, Zayn? What freaked you out so bad that you drove for an entire fucking hour to leave me and then got so bloody drunk out of your mind that you couldn’t even drive yourself home?” Niall pushed.

Zayn grimaced, his mouth agape because he couldn’t believe Niall was actually asking him that. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No. No, I am not ’fucking kidding’ you. I don’t know anything about you anymore because you won’t talk to me,” Niall’s voice wavered and he looked away. Zayn’s face fell with guilt. “You won’t let me in or be honest with me and I don’t know why because all I want is for you to be happy again. God, I want _us_ to be happy but if I can’t get that, having you happy at the very least would be ok. But I can’t do anything if you don’t talk to me, Zayn.”

Zayn looked down at his thumbs, taking his lip between his teeth as he thought and then clenched his jaw while Niall watched him sadly. “I love you,” he spoke softly, “But I hate this. I hate that she’s here. I hate that she’s going to have your baby. I hate-“ he stopped himself but Niall told him to keep going, “I hate the fact that I have no control over the situation and I’m forced to just get over it and deal with it because they’re your family now.

I’m sorry that I don’t know how to deal with it the right way but that’s just how I deal with things, Niall. You hurt me so I’m sorry if I have a hard time letting you in again but you can’t fault me for that.”

“I never meant to hurt you though, Zayn,” Niall told him quietly and Zayn looked away again.

“I know that,” Zayn admitted.

“So then why are you punishing me? You’re hurting me too. You pushing me away and shutting me out and leaving me hurts me, Zayn,” Niall told him softly and Zayn just let out an exhausted sigh in response as he put his head down in his hands again. Niall watched him quietly for a moment before he finally gave in and sat back down on the bed, the mattress creaking underneath his weight causing Zayn to look up from his hands. Niall wrapped his arms around Zayn’s waist and Zayn immediately melted back into his hold, letting himself be laid down and cuddled and shushed.

“Tell me everything,” Niall murmured into the skin of Zayn’s neck while he rubbed the pads of his thumbs over the jut of his hipbones.

“Like what?” Zayn asked.

“Everything that’s going on with you, with us. How you feel. Don’t hold back. Don’t make it sound better than it is. Be honest. Be ugly. I want to hear it all,” Niall told him and he could feel the way that Zayn tensed at his words. “I want to hear it, Zayn. I need to.” Zayn shook his head in protest but Niall pressed his fingers sharply into his bones as a warning.

“I feel-“ Zayn started and took a deep breath, “I feel like every day that passes by gets harder for me to do this. I feel like I’m drowning and you can’t help me because you don’t even see that you’re the one that pushed me over the edge. I want to be mad at you and I want to hurt you the way that you hurt me but I can’t because I love you. I love you so much. Too much. And it scares me. I’ve given you so much of me over these years, so many little pieces of me that I can never get back and-“ Zayn cut himself off, shaking his head. “I want to leave but I can’t. I don’t know how I’d get on without you, Niall, and I don’t want to imagine my life without you but I can’t- Ellie was never part of our plan.”

“Okay,” Niall whispered with a curt nod.

 Zayn turned around in Niall’s arms so that they could face each other and he put his hands over Niall’s cheeks while they looked into each other’s eyes trying to figure each other out. “I love you,” he whispered. “I always have and I always will, no matter what happens. Know that,” he pressed his finger into the tattoo on Niall’s chest, “I meant it then and I mean it now. I love you for now and forever, no matter what.”

Niall furrowed his brows and looked down, causing Zayn to quirk his head with concern. “I do,” he persisted. “I love you, Niall. You do know that, don’t you?”

“I want to believe you, Zayn,” Niall looked back up with wet eyes that broke Zayn’s heart.

“Niall,” Zayn breathed desperately because he’d known that they were broken but he didn’t know that it was so bad that Niall didn’t even believe that he loved him anymore.

“I want to, Zayn. I want to believe you so fucking bad but-,” Niall cut himself off as he bit down on his lips, shaking his head as he looked away again.

“No, Niall. No,” Zayn shook his head, trying to wrap his hand around Niall’s wrist but Niall got up from the bed and started to pace until he sank back down against the door, putting his head down on his knees. Zayn watched until he saw Niall shuddering as he cried softly into his hands and he had to look away because he didn’t have enough left in him to handle it. He’d broken Niall. Niall had broken him and that had been bad but seeing Niall; his invincible, his happy, his unbreakable Niall broken down because of him was too much.

“I can’t-“ Niall whispered, shaking his head and Zayn could feel the air being pulled from his lungs.

“Niall-“ was all Zayn could manage in a small desperate squeak because no. This was not happening.

“I can’t do this anymore, Zayn,” Niall said to the space on the bed in front of him and Zayn stopped breathing for a moment. He’d always been the one on the edge, the one ready to run at any moment. He’d never expected Niall to be the one to want to leave him. He couldn’t believe it.

“You don’t mean that,” Zayn argued quietly and he didn’t know if Niall really meant it or not but he really hoped he didn’t.

“I can’t,” Niall shook his head.

“No,” Zayn whimpered from the bed.

“You said it yourself, Zayn. You’re drowning. Every fucking day you have been and I wanted to pretend it was fine. Fuck, you wanted to pretend it was fine too but we both know that’s a load of shit. It’s not fair to you, Zayn-“

“No,” Zayn whispered, “No. Don’t. Don’t you fucking dare.”

“I love you too much to watch you try to suffer through this, Zayn,” Niall told him but no excuse could have made up for the fact that he’d just told Zayn he wanted out.

“You’re my _husband_ ,” Zayn hissed as if Niall had somehow forgotten. Niall clenched his jaw and looked away. Zayn let out a half chuckle / half sob and tried to bite back his tears though it proved useless. “Is this about her?” He asked, nodding his head like he already knew the answer.

Niall’s mouth fell open in offense, “Are you being fucking serious right now?”

“Are _you_?” Zayn spat back.

“No this is not about Ellie. This is about us, Zayn. You and I,” Niall crossed his arms and his face shifted from dejection to indignation in the amount of time that it took for Zayn to wipe his tears away and do the same.

“What happened to unconditional love, huh? What happened to ‘for now and forever’, Niall?” Zayn asked, the bitterness prevalent in his tone.

“You tell me,” Niall replied sardonically, finally looking up at Zayn, “That didn’t matter to you much yesterday when I needed you and you left. Didn’t matter much when you took your promise note down or when you lied to me or when you called Harry to come get you instead of calling me.”

Zayn set his jaw because he had nothing to come back with. He’d already explained himself to Niall and Niall had chosen to shut him out in response so his guard was coming back up and he was shutting back down. If that was what Niall wanted then fine. It would be what he would get. No matter how much it hurt Zayn to know that he’d been right all along, that he and Niall wouldn’t last forever; no matter how much it hurt to know that him leaving meant Ellie would get the love of his life, no matter how much the situation all around killed him and left him feeling weak and helpless, he wasn’t going to beg for Niall’s love even if a small part of him wanted to.

“Fine,” was all he said in response as he finally got out of the bed and immediately moved toward the closet to start packing clothes into an old duffel. Niall could only stand to watch him from his place on the floor in front of the door for a few moments before he shook his head and got up, slamming the door behind him as he left the room.

Zayn willed himself not to cry as he packed his essentials into the bag. He didn’t know how long this thing would last or where he was even going to go. All he knew was that he needed to get out of the flat before he broke down. His pride was his greatest fault but he’d still be damned if he was going to let Niall or Ellie see him cry over it. Even if his husband had just broken up with him and ripped his life out from under him, he’d be damned if he was going to let it show how broken he was.

It took everything in him not to go into what had become Ellie’s room and berate her on his way out but he managed to restrain himself and went into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water and his keys instead. He saw Niall through the glass door. He was holding onto the railing of the back patio with his head hung and his back to the kitchen but Zayn still knew that he was crying from the slight shake in his shoulders.

Zayn watched him for a minute, trying to process everything that had just happened and what exactly he was going to do next. Part of him wanted to drop the bag on the ground and go outside to wrap an arm around Niall’s waist and ask for another chance so this could end before it started. Another part of him wanted to lash out and hurt Niall even more for hurting him and for choosing Ellie. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the cool of the fridge in an attempt to stop everything from spinning.

Damage control. He couldn’t change what had already happened but he could stop himself from making things worse. He sank down against the fridge and pulled his phone from his pocket to ring Harry.

“Zayn, hey,” Harry said when he picked up, doing his best to keep his tone light though there was still an underlying waver of concern there because of the night before.

“Can you can um-,” Zayn sniffed, trying to keep his voice even for the sake of whatever remaining shred of dignity he had, “Can you pick me up, please?”

“Are you ok? What’s wrong?” Harry asked, the light and cheery act gone within all of two seconds.

“Please, just pick me up,” Zayn pled.

“Where are you?” Harry asked and Zayn could hear him already moving to get dressed.

“I’m still at our flat,” Zayn told him.

“Ok,” Harry said because he knew that was all Zayn was going to give him, “I’ll be there in fifteen.” Zayn nodded with his eyes closed even though Harry couldn’t see him but he knew Harry already knew what he was doing. “It’s ok, Z. Whatever happened, it will be ok. See you when I get there.”

Zayn hung up the phone and bit down on his lip because he was starting to lose the fight. He knew going out to Niall was going to push him over the edge but he got up and walked outside anyways. Niall turned to look at the sliding door and turned back around just as quickly when he saw that it was Zayn. Zayn noticed a stream of smoke in front of him and it took him a moment to realize that Niall was smoking one of his cigarettes and not weed which was something he almost never did unless he was extremely stressed.

“Didn’t feel like rolling a joint for one. I wanted to feel like shit,” Niall muttered around a puff of the cigarette in his mouth as he shoved the pack and lighter towards Zayn. Zayn glanced down at the freshly crumpled cigarettes in the ashtray and then back up at Niall before he took one out and handed the pack back to Niall.

“What are you doing?” Niall asked, lightly pushing Zayn’s hand away but Zayn shoved the pack at him again anyways.

“Keep it,” Zayn insisted as he lit his cigarette and blew out a stream of smoke.

“That’s your thing, Zayn. I-“

“Don’t smoke it then. Look at it. Throw it away after I leave. Put it on my side of the bed. Put it on the nightstand where the note was. Fuck, do whatever you want with it, Niall. But I don’t want it. I want you to have it,” Zayn said. Niall’s brows were furrowed in confusion as he stared down at the pack of cigarettes in his hand and Zayn watched him. Maybe Niall would throw it away after Zayn left along with all of the clothes he didn’t take and everything that had belonged to him. Or maybe Niall would hold onto it as another one of the small pieces of himself that Zayn had given him and he’d keep it until things were better, as a promise that he would return one day. Maybe it was wishful thinking but Zayn hoped it’d be the latter.

They fell into an uncomfortable lapse of silence after that but neither of them left the balcony. Zayn stayed, smoking his cigarette with his eyes trained on the building in front of them while Niall leaned over the railing looking down at the pedestrians below.

_I don’t want to leave_

_I love you_

_I hate this_

_Don’t go_

_Don’t give up_

_For now and forever_

The words crawled up their throats and sat heavy and thick on their tongues but neither one of them could let them out. All they had were desperate, fleeting glances and clenched jaws.

When Zayn finally finished his cigarette and stubbed it out on top of the ones Niall had left in the tray, he was sure he’d make it through the door without even getting a goodbye but as he’d reached the sliding doors with a hand on the handle, Niall had finally decided to speak.

“Zayn?” He spoke softly and any shred of false despise that Zayn had started to make as the antiserum for his love instantly dissolved.

“Yeah?” Zayn asked, trying and failing not to sound too hopeful.

 _Stop. Don’t go. I love you. For now and forever._ He could see the glimmer of tears in Niall’s eyes and it took everything in him not to turn away as Niall clutched at his shirt over the spot where his puzzle piece tattoo was. Zayn bit down on his lips and pinched the fabric of his shirt over his matching tattoo between his thumb and finger. “Take care of yourself,” Niall murmured with a small sniff.

Zayn nodded feeling his eyes wet like he knew they would, “You too.” He couldn’t handle it for a moment longer. He knew if he had to look at Niall for one more second he would have been irrevocably shattered so he slid the door shut behind him and went out of the front door of the flat.

Zayn willed himself to keep it together until he was safely nestled in the haven of Harry’s car. It wasn’t until he was buckled in and he chanced up a glance at the balcony and locked eyes with Niall despite the distance and the window that his false attempt at a guard got blown apart and he let himself come undone as they drove away, leaving Niall, Zayn’s marriage, the shambles of Zayn’s life and everything he’d thought he believed and knew behind them.

Harry knew better than to press Zayn too soon but he felt utterly helpless sitting idle by while Zayn fell completely apart beside him. All he could do was wrap a comforting arm around Zayn’s shoulder and let Zayn bury his face in his and listen to his soft sniffs and short breaths until they turned into soft curses under his breath, a lot of ‘fuck’s with a few ‘God’s mixed in.

He’d thought Zayn had called him to come pick up his car from Canvey Island but it was clear from his distraught state and the bag he’d thrown into the back of the car when Harry’d picked him up that something else had happened. He decided to take Zayn back to his flat instead which Zayn was grateful for because he hated crying in general, much less in front of someone else and if he had to sit in the car for a moment longer than the ten minutes it took to drive over to Harry’s flat he would have lost it.

Zayn got out of the car as soon as Harry parked, slamming the door behind him and made his way to sit on the curb, cigarettes and lighter in hand prepared to chain smoke until he couldn’t fucking breathe anymore. Harry opted to get Zayn’s bag for him and delivered it to the flat in order to give Zayn some time to himself to cool off before he made his way down there. He sent Louis a text telling him he couldn’t hang out anymore because something was wrong with Zayn as he started to gather up the little things strewn all around his flat that Louis had left since they’d started whatever they had going up again.

**_L: This abt last night?_ **

**_H: probably so :l_ **

**_L: god you don’t think …_ **

**_H: I really hope not_ ** **_L_ **

**_L: fuck h_ **

**_H: I know_ **

**_L: I want to see them, make sure they’re ok._ **

**_H: Z’s on the curb chain smoking. Dk what Niall’s up to but he’s probably not too good off either. You and Li should probably go round and have a check xx._ **

**_L: I really hope this doesn’t become 2013 all over again._ **

**_H: I hope so too._ **

Harry pocketed his phone, shuddering at the memory of when it had been him and Louis on opposing ends and how bad things had gotten. He made his way back down to the front of the complex, where Zayn was still sat on the curb with his arms curled around his knees, a cigarette dangling between his fingers though the small pile beside him disclosed that he’d already had a few.

“Please no more after that,” Harry murmured as he took a seat beside him and wrapped his arm around Zayn again.

“What does it matter?” Zayn groaned, taking a long drag from his cigarette before he buried his face in Harry’s chest. He reeked of smoke and he knew the smoke from his burning cigarette must have bothered Harry but Harry still pulled Zayn closer all the same.

“You’ll get sick babe,” Harry told him as he pet Zayn’s hair back. He felt Zayn’s small shrug underneath his arm.

“Deserve it. I deserve to feel like shit. Already do,” he said, his voice small and fractured. Harry looked at him sadly, his brows furrowed as he tried to figure Zayn out. He willed Zayn to look at him, his eyes wide and asking Zayn to tell him what happened. Zayn looked away with a small sigh and sniff.

“Please,” Harry whispered with a light, chaste kiss to Zayn’s hair as he rubbed his arm up Zayn’s arm comfortingly.

“Niall doesn’t love me anymore,” was all he said and even then Zayn’s voice was so small it barely reached Harry’s ears.

“That’s not true,” Harry retorted immediately because he knew whatever happened, there was no way Niall could ever not love Zayn.

“It is true,” Zayn argued, “He doesn’t want this anymore, doesn’t want me. He told me loud and clear this morning.”

Harry bit his lip between his teeth, shaking his head incredulously. Yes things had been bad but this didn’t add up. “I don’t- I can’t believe that,” Harry stammered, still shaking his head with disbelief.

“Why would I make this up, Harry?” Zayn asked harshly, angrily attempting to remove himself from Harry’s grasp but Harry’s grip on him tightened, having had too much practice with Louis doing the same thing.

“I didn’t say you were making this up, Zayn. Calm down. I just- are you sure? Maybe you took things out of context,” Harry said calmly but Zayn was pulling away again, this time proving successful as he ripped himself away and shoved Harry angrily before he got up.

“Fuck you,” Zayn spat, his voice shaking with rage and Harry watched him in bewilderment. “I want my car. _Now_.”

“Your car is an hour away in Canvey Island in case you forgot,” Harry said sardonically and he could tell it took everything in Zayn’s being not to reach out and choke him.

“I want it,” Zayn hissed.

“I am not sitting in the car for an hour with you like- this,” Harry gestured up at his murderous state. “We can go when you calm down.”

“Fuck you,” Zayn grumbled again, crossing his arms as he went into the flat and slammed the door behind him.

Harry followed Zayn back inside but gave him his space, leaving Zayn alone to cool off in the living room while he went into his own room to decompress and try to process everything that was happening.

***

Niall stayed outside on the deck long after Harry had driven off with Zayn in tow. Zayn was gone and it was all his fault. He’d run away but he’d come back but Niall had sent him off because he couldn’t bear the thought of Zayn leaving him again on his own. He’d tried to reason with himself, told himself that it was better this way for Zayn to leave now while things were bad than for him to get his hopes up again that things would be alright and then Zayn just up and leave again anyways. He knew deep down that he was kidding himself though. Because the only thing worse than having Zayn there with the doubt that he’d stay for long was not having him there at all.

 Ellie was already up and milling about by the time Niall had gathered up enough composure to go inside without breaking down again but as soon as she saw Niall’s distraught state, she retreated back to her room. Niall followed her though and stood in the doorway of what had once been his own room, arms crossed as he looked at her.

“I figured you probably wanted to be alone,” she murmured around a small bite of cereal.

“How much did you hear?” Niall asked her carefully.

“Too much,” she said quietly, only holding his gaze for a few seconds at a time.

“Did we wake you up?” Niall asked, shifting his position against the doorframe.

“No, I had to go for a wee anyways and then I heard yelling,” Ellie told him, pursing her lips.

“I’m sorry that you had to hear that,” Niall muttered.

“I’m sorry that you had to go through that because of me,” Ellie apologized and Niall was the one to look away this time. “I appreciate what you’re doing for us, Niall, I really do but-“

“Don’t,” Niall interrupted her quietly, “I’m doing what’s right, whether Zayn agrees with it or not. I wish things could be different but it is what it is and dwelling on it isn’t going to change the situation.”  Ellie nodded her silent agreement and Niall nodded back.

“Well thank you all the same,” Ellie said, “Not just for letting me stay here but for everything. For wanting to be involved in her life. I’m glad my daughter’s going to have you as her father.”

Niall’s eyes strained to hold back tears and he clenched his jaw, rubbing a hand over his mouth as he tried not to cry, “Can I feel her?”

“Of course,” Ellie nodded earnestly as she scooted over to make room for Niall on the bed and he sat down, putting a hand on her belly. “Just give her a second. This cereal’s going to get her going like crazy.”

It took a minute but soon enough, the baby started kicking around in Ellie’s stomach, her foot leaving its little impressions as it went. Niall stared at her feet as they moved around until their baby girl kicked right underneath his palm and he looked up at Ellie in awe. She smiled at him around another spoonful of cereal.

“Can she hear me?” Niall asked and the baby kicked again.

“That answer your question?” Ellie answered with a smirk, “She heard you yelling earlier. Think she might be learning your voice already.”

Niall looked back down at her belly, rubbing both hands over it. “Hi baby,” he said in a small hushed voice that earned another soft kick, “I promise I don’t yell like that all the time. It’s me, Niall. Or your daddy I suppose? Yeah, you’ll call me Daddy, not Niall. I love you very much, ok? I don’t know if you can understand what I’m saying to you right now or if you know what love is yet but you will one day. No matter what, I will always love you and I will always be your Daddy, ok? You’re my little baby and I will do everything that I can to protect you from anything that can hurt you,” his voice cracked and he bit back his lip as his tears started to swell again.

“No matter what I have to go through for you, I don’t care because you’re worth it. Being there for you is worth it even if it means having to give some other things that I love up. I hope Zayn will come around before you get here but if not,” Niall paused, biting down on his lip as he swallowed, “If not it’s ok because you’ll always have me and your mummy and the other boys as well, hopefully.”

Ellie looked up at him, biting her own lips as she reached out to pat his back.

“That’s right angel,” she said softly, “No matter what you’ll always have us.”

“Fuck,” Niall muttered as he pulled away and shook his head. “What am I gonna do, El?”

“I wish I could tell you, Ni. I really wish I could,” Ellie said, watching as Niall started to fall apart right in front of her.

“I have to be strong and keep going for Zayn and the baby and you and me but I-“ he cut himself off, shaking his head, “I’m trying so hard, El, I really am but I can’t. I can’t do this without him and-.  He’s gone. He’s gone and it’s all my fault.”

All Ellie could mutter out was a soft breathless “Niall” in response.

There was a knock at the front door and they both shared a shocked look before Niall got up and rushed to answer it. He was more than disappointed when he opened it to find that it was only Liam and Louis and it took everything in him not to sink down right there at the door.

“What?” Niall groaned as he walked away, though he left the door open for them to come in.

“We came to check on you,” Louis explained as he sat down on the couch and Liam shut the door behind them.

“I’m fine,” Niall muttered. Louis raised his brow and Liam looked at him in concern.

“Mate, that’s absolute rubbish and you bloody know it,” Louis told him as he wrapped an arm around Niall and let him curl into him.

“We’ve brought you some food to,” Liam offered as he set down the food and took a seat on the couch on the other side of Louis and brought up Niall’s socked feet to rub them.

Niall lifted up the greasy bag and took out the sausage sarnies and hash brown, not even managing a thank you before he started to devour them and sipped at the Gatorade they’d brought.

“How did you guys know?” Niall asked when the thought occurred to him halfway through the second sandwich.

“Mother’s intuition,” Louis clucked as he rubbed the top of Niall’s head and pressed a kiss to his hair. Niall rolled his eyes.

“Harry suggested that we come check on you,” Liam answered. “He didn’t tell us why but we figured it probably wasn’t good news.”

Niall clenched his jaw and looked away.

“Where is she?” Louis asked.

“In her room- my old room, whatever,” Niall answered with a shrug.

“Does she know what she did?” Louis asked bitterly and Niall frowned.

“Louis don’t,” Niall warned.

“Lou,” Liam said cautiously from the opposite end of the couch, lightly cuffing Louis’s neck between his fingers where he thought Niall wouldn’t be able to see.

“I’m just saying, Ni. Do you not see how bad things have been since she told you?” Louis asked, this time with concern. Niall knew that Louis was only trying to look out for him but it did nothing to calm his nerves.

“She didn’t choose this, Louis. None of us did. Look, I don’t want to sit around crying about it, ok? No amount of pissbaby tears is going to change what’s happened,” Niall frowned.

“Fair enough,” Louis shrugged.

“But we’re all ears if you change your mind,” Liam reminded him.

“I know,” Niall said, “but right now I just want to forget for a bit, if that’s ok?”

“What did you have in mind?” Liam asked.

“I don’t know,” Niall shrugged, “I just don’t want to be here and I don’t want to be sober.”

“Niall, love, it’s barely half past twelve,” Louis reminded him.

“Time doesn’t really matter much when you’ve just lost your husband and you’ve got a kid on the way, Lou,” Niall told him wistfully.

“God,” Louis winced, contorting his face in displeasure, “I thought we’d be at least forty before I ever heard something so depressing come out of one of our mouths.”

***

Zayn showed up in Harry’s doorway about an hour later. His arms were crossed and his head was hung in shame but at least he didn’t look angry anymore. Now he just looked … sad.

“Can we please go now?” He mumbled and startled Harry because he hadn’t even realized Zayn had showed up.

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Harry answered, pulling on a pair of boots quickly and trailing behind Zayn as he walked away from the door.

Zayn didn’t speak again for the entire hour long trip that it took to get to Canvey Island and he probably would have gotten back into his truck continuing the silence had Harry not stopped him.

“What, Haz?” Zayn asked when Harry had gotten out of his own car to follow Zayn to his truck and put his hand on the top of the car, blocking Zayn in.

“Are you coming back to mine?” He asked gently.

“I haven’t got any other options , do I ?” Zayn snarked, looking away from him.

“Well I’ll follow you,” Harry told him, nodding his head towards the road.

Zayn rolled his eyes like the annoyed teenager Harry was treating him like. “Harry, you don’t have to do that.”

“Just a precaution,” Harry put his hands up, “No reckless driving. No detours.”

“Yes, Dad,” Zayn rolled his eyes but Harry could just make out the hint of a smile on his lips.

“See you then,” Harry told him with a light pat on his shoulder before he got back into his own car.

***

Liam drove them all to the closest pub, Niall riding shotgun and Louis in the backseat by himself. Liam did his best to keep his face even though he made concerned eye contact with Louis in the rearview mirror with Louis more than a few times.

As soon as they arrived, Niall was sinking down onto a barstool and ordering a pint and three shots just for himself.

The bartender threw him a perturbed look that matched Liam and Louis’s as they walked up, sitting on either side of him at the bar, but he made Niall’s drinks all the same.

Liam let Niall take down three more pints and two shots before he requested that the bartender cut him off, much to Niall’s displeasure.

“No,” Niall barked and Liam frowned at him.

“Niall, that’s enough,” Liam told him like a stern father.

“Li’s right, Ni,” Louis agreed with a small hand on Niall’s shoulder and a light squeeze, “You’re gonna feel shit in the morning if you don’t fucking die from alcohol poisoning first.”

“I’m already gonna feel shit in the morning,” Niall groaned as he took down his last shot on the bar and put his face down in his hands. When he finally lifted his hands, he bit down on his finger and the boys could see the wetness in his eyes.

“Niall,” Liam said softly, a frown etching into his face as he turned his head in sympathy. Niall shook his head, clenching down on his jaw.

“It’s ok, Ni,” Louis murmured and Niall shook his head again.

“He’s gone,” Niall finally broke, putting his face down in his palms again, “He’s gone and it’s all my fault.” Liam and Louis shared a sad look over his head. “He hates me and it’s all my fault.”

“Zayn does not hate you,” Louis argued because despite everything, he was sure there was no way that could be true.

“I broke him, Louis. I hurt him, I betrayed him. You know how hard it is to open Zayn up. God, you’re the same way. He feels the exact same way about me that you did about Harry when he cheated on you,” Niall whimpered.

Louis drew in a sharp, pained breath at the reminder. “Be that as it may, as mad as I was at Harry, I never stopped loving him.” He chanced a sheepish glance at Liam and looked away, “I hated how he made me feel and what he did but I couldn’t just stop loving him. You don’t just stop loving someone even when they break your heart. You can’t. And if you can, you never really loved them in the first place.”

“But what if it doesn’t work out like that for us?” Niall asked, “What if we can’t fix this? Zayn was it for me. He was who I wanted for the rest of my life. Who I _want_ for the rest of my life,” Niall corrected himself.

“Then show him that,” Louis told him like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “Make him realize that. Show him that despite everything else changing, you’re still the same amazing guy that he trusted and fell in love with. Remind him why he fell in love with you in the first place.”

“But what if it doesn’t _work_ , Lou?” Niall asked him desperately.

“It will,” Liam finally interjected in the conversation and Niall turned to look at him.

“How can you be so sure?” Niall asked and Louis looked at him as well.

“Just like Lou said,” Liam told him with his eyes on Louis, “Love doesn’t just go away. Even when you try to get rid of it, it won’t budge when it’s real. And like you said yourself, Zayn is hard to open up. He might’ve shut back down but he can’t just forget everything you two’ve gone through before this. You’re married for Christ’s sake. He wouldn’t just jump into that if he wasn’t in it for the long haul.”

“For now and forever,” Niall muttered under his breath, recalling their phrase that had always brought him reassurance but in the moment just made him wince.

“Yeah like your cheesy tattoo,” Louis said with a small smile and an index finger to Niall’s chest.

“ ‘s not cheesy,” Niall defended as he rubbed at the spot on his chest.

“Cheesy or not, Zayn’s got one too and I promise you it’ll burn him like the scarlet letter every time he stares at himself in the mirror until the day he comes home,” Liam assured.

“You think?” Niall asked and he wasn’t sure if he was starting to feel hopeful because of the boys or because of the alcohol coursing through his veins but he was starting to feel optimistic for the first time in days nonetheless.

“I know so,” Liam told him with a reassuring clap on his shoulder. Niall nodded at the both of them before he drained the rest of his pint and they both hugged either side of him.

“Are you ready to go now?” Liam asked when he was done. Niall nodded and tried to stand but swayed unsteadily.

“Woah there. Easy, boy,” Louis said as he quickly hopped down from his barstool and wrapped one of Niall’s arms around his neck with Liam doing the same on his other side. They hobbled up to the bartender and paid for Niall’s drinks before walking him back to Liam’s car and settling him in the backseat where he started to doze off as soon as he was strapped in.

 

“Do you really think it’ll be that simple for them?” Louis asked after making sure that Niall was still asleep as they made their way back to Louis’s flat.

“I don’t know,” Liam admitted quietly, taking his own glance in the rearview mirror.

Louis let out an amused little puff of breath, shaking his head, “God, why do you always do that?”

“Because someone’s got to take care of you lot,” Liam told him seriously and Louis looked at him.

“Well thank you for that,” Louis said, completely serious, “Even if they’re mostly lies.”

“They’re not lies,” Liam corrected. “I say what you all need to hear to keep you from falling apart. Think of them as words of comfort. And most of the time things do actually tend to work out in the end anyways,” he glanced at Louis again.

“I’m sorry, Liam,” Louis apologized for the umpteenth time but it still didn’t feel like enough.

“Nothing to be sorry for, Lou,” Liam told him with a cordial pat to his knee, “It was inevitable. You said it yourself. You never stopped loving him. I always knew that even when I tried to tell myself otherwise. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re happy and healthy again.”

“Sometimes I really wish it would’ve been you,” Louis admitted fondly.

“But it’s not,” Liam said with a small shrug, ending the conversation.

 

Liam called Ellie from Niall’s phone to let her know that Niall wasn’t going back to the flat when they got to Louis’s and they figured it was better that way. She didn’t need to see Niall drunk and sad and Niall didn’t need to wake up alone in his bed after the day he’d had. So they tucked Niall into Louis’s bed with a bottle of water and paracetamol on the nightstand while they slept on Louis’s pull out couch.

***

Zayn and Harry made it back to Harry’s in one piece with no detours and not too terrible of reckless driving though Zayn did speed a bit on the highway but Harry let it slide.

He did, however, request Zayn’s keys later that night after a smoke session as they sat on Harry’s couch eating Chinese takeaway.

“Weed must’ve gotten to your brain a bit too much there, Haz,” Zayn snarked with a scoff and eyeroll.

“I’m being serious, Zayn,” Harry told him sternly, reaching his hand out for the keys.

“No,” Zayn argued just as seriously.

“Then you can’t stay here,” Harry shrugged and Zayn paused.

“Piss off, Haz,” he said after a moment, though he wasn’t sure anymore that Harry was joking.

“I’m being serious, Zayn. I’m not letting you kip here unless you agree to a few stipulations,” Harry said.

“Those being?” Zayn muttered with a glower.

“You cannot under any circumstances run away again. You can leave but you need to come back and you need to tell me where you’re going because we’re not going to keep doing this. No getting so messed up you can’t get yourself back home and no doing anything stupid to get yourself in trouble,” Harry elaborated.

Zayn held his glare for a few more minutes, taking in aggravated bites of lo mein before he finally muttered a ‘fucking fine’.

They hung around for a bit after that watching some dumb movie on the telly that neither of them really focused on because Harry was texting Louis and Zayn was thinking about everything that had happened before Harry finally decided to call it a night and headed to his room. Zayn made sure the door was shut and Harry was out of earshot before he finally laxed and allowed himself to break down again.

It was the first time in over a year that he would be sleeping alone and the only thing that made it harder to sleep than that was that he wasn’t so sure if Niall would be sleeping on his own as well or if he was already being replaced by Ellie. That thought was enough to rip him from his high, leaving him a sober, shuddering, sobbing mess.

He’d always known if it ever came to this for whatever reason, if he and Niall ever stopped being together, that it would hurt like hell but he was sure even hell wasn’t as painful as what he was currently facing. It took him much longer than usual to fall asleep that night mostly because there wasn’t blonde hair nuzzling into his chin and thin limbs wrapped around him with soft lips pressing reassuring kisses and ‘I love you’s into his skin but he decided it’d just be easier to blame Harry’s shitty couch for his discomfort instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably mention that I wrote the beginning of this chapter weeks ago before everything happened. I had a brief moment where I considered not finishing the story because I thought that it would be too hard to write about Zayn now that he's gone but rest assured I'm going to keep going with this story until it's done. I know my updates are sporadic but know that I appreciate you all for sticking with me and my story/ series and that I will finish it, no matter how long it takes me. Thank you all so much for reading and I know things seem dark right now but I promise things will work out in the end.


	7. Ava

There were a few reasons why Niall felt sick when he woke up the next morning and a hangover was not one of them. The first was because whatever bed he was in didn’t have a long, thin limbed body with a rising and falling chest and soft snores coming from a beautifully chiseled and harshly stubbled face that belonged to his husband. Then there was the fact that he wasn’t even in his own room.

 A slow panic started to crawl up Niall’s throat as he tried to piece together everything that had happened the day before but a quick glance around the room’s décor and the bedding told him that he was in Louis’s bed, not a stranger’s, thank God. His relief was enough to make him ignore the fact that he was probably lying among hundreds of come stains since Louis rarely ever washed his sheets but even that was short lived. He put his head down in the heels of his hands as the memories of what had led him there in the first place started to pour in.

 Zayn had left him. Zayn came back. They got in a fight. Niall told him that he wanted out.

‘Fuck’ was the only thing Niall could think when he realized what he’d done. This was his fault. It was Zayn’s fault too, but it was a majority his fault. He’d never chosen Ellie over Zayn but how things had played out, what he’d said during their fight had made it seem that way. When he said he couldn’t do it anymore it wasn’t because he didn’t love Zayn, that was impossible. It was because he loved Zayn _too_ much and he didn’t want him to have to try and suffer through it anymore. And he’d told Zayn as much but he’d also been angry about Zayn leaving and lying and God everything was just so fucked up.

He wanted to fix this but at the same time … he kind of didn’t. He felt like his heart was beating outside of his chest with Zayn away from him but even before yesterday, when Zayn left the first time, he’d had that same feeling. Every minute since the night that Ellie told him she was pregnant, Niall had this ever-present anxiety that at any given moment Zayn was going to pack his things and leave. Of course he’d never wanted it to actually happen but deep down he knew it would eventually and it was kind of relieving that it was over now. It was like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down and waiting to jump. The longer he waited, the harder it got. He wasn’t happy that Zayn was gone but he was glad that the anxiety of the wait was over.

By the time Niall finally pulled himself together enough to get out of Louis’s bed and venture into the living room, Louis was still curled up asleep on the pull out couch and Liam was in the kitchen.

“Hey, you’re up,” Liam said around a spoonful of CoCo pops from where he was sat at the tiny kitchen table with an apple and a cup of coffee beside his bowl.

“Yeah,” Niall nodded as he walked to the fridge to pour himself a glass of juice.

“Are you hungry? I didn’t know when you’d be up and you know Lou’s particular about what he eats still so I was trying to wait until you two were up before I made anything,” Liam said.

“No, no, it’s fine,” Niall shook his head as he pulled a bottle of champagne from the fridge to make a mimosa, “I kind of just wanted to get back home anyways. I’ll eat there.”

Liam looked between Niall and his glass with concern before he let out a sigh through his nose and nodded.

The drive was relatively silent at first and Niall could tell Liam was trying his best not to push the issue until he couldn’t help himself anymore.

“Did you sleep okay?” Liam started.

Niall shrugged, “I mean yeah. I was pretty drunk and Louis’s got a comfortable bed even though God knows how many come stains are on those sheets.” They both let out laughs at that and Niall was glad that Liam wasn’t pouting anymore.

“Well that’s good to hear. You know you can always crash at our places if you need to,” Liam told him.

“Places?” Niall repeated, confused by the ‘s’ at the end.

“Yeah,” Liam nodded, “We meant to tell you guys but with everything going on it just never seemed like the right time. You guys had your own stuff to deal with.”

“Well what happened?” Niall asked.

“Nothing really,” Liam shrugged.

“Liam,” Niall said seriously.

“I just think it’s time for me to move out. Louis’s doing better. He doesn’t need me there to take care of him anymore and we’re not even together anymore anyways,” Liam explained.

“Is this because of the wedding?” Niall asked, remembering how Louis and Harry had been all over each other at his and Zayn’s wedding months prior even though, to his knowledge, Louis and Liam had still been together at that point.

Liam shook his head and let out a little puff, “We all knew it was always gonna be Louis and Harry. I was there for Louis when he needed it but that’s the love of his life. I know he loved me too but I’m not his soulmate. Harry is. And who am I to stand in the way of destiny? We talked about it before the wedding, about us. We’re better off as friends and I gave him … permission, I guess, to go for it before anything happened. I’m glad he gave me that respect at least.

They’re back at it again, obviously but they always go to Harry’s. I know Harry wants to come home though and I know Louis’s trying to wait until I leave before he lets it happen so I’m trying to get my new place together as fast as possible.”

“Oh Li, no. You should’ve told us. We would’ve let you kip at ours,” Niall told him.

“Yeah, no, I know but you guys were freshly married newlyweds. The sex alone would have driven me crazy and you guys should’ve had that peace and alone time. Not to mention the fact that you were looking at places in Amsterdam to leave anyways. And now with Ellie there and Zayn gone – everyone’s living situations are just complete bollocks at this point innit,” Liam laughed and Niall smiled.

“Stay with us,” Niall insisted, “Please. At least until your flat is done. I’ll even help you get it together in the daytime and then you can come stay at mine at night. Then you won’t have to deal with the Louis-Harry stuff and they’ll have somewhere to go.”

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Liam considered, “But where would I sleep?”

“I mean you can take my bed, though you probably won’t want to. Or we always have the couch,” Niall shrugged.

Liam hummed as he pulled into Niall’s apartment complex, “Well I’ll think it over and talk to Louis about it and let you know.”

“Ok,” Niall nodded as he opened the door and got out of Liam’s truck.

“Text me, alright? I can come back after work if you want and we can hang out,” Liam said.

“Will do, boss and yeah, sounds good,” Niall waved him off before he turned to go up the stairs to his flat.

 

“Hey,” Niall greeted Ellie softly as he shut the door of the flat behind him and he walked into the kitchen to put on a kettle of tea.

“Hi,” Ellie responded just as quietly, turning down the TV and following him into the kitchen. “How’re ya doing?”

“Depends on which aspect of my life you’re asking about,” Niall shrugged as he dropped some toast into the toaster.

“All aspects,” Ellie said with a hand on her belly. Niall still found it weird to see her so big and round and maternal since she’d always been small and fit.

“Well I think I’m doing as well as any guy who just got left by his husband and has a baby on the way can be doing really,” Niall let out a little cynical laugh, “How’re you? Did you sleep ok?”

“Well I’m doing as well as any girl who’s five months pregnant and kipping with her married ex can be doing,” Ellie retorted, “And she’s not that big yet so sleeping isn’t totally uncomfortable yet.” Niall nodded. “Do you want me to go?” She asked and it caught Niall off guard.

“What?” Niall asked, immediately turning from the stove to look at where Ellie was stood with her arms wrapped around herself and a deep frown on her face.

“I mean I don’t really have anywhere else to go but I don’t want to be here if you don’t want me here. I know what happened with Zayn is my fault and then you left too and I don’t want to be here if I’m bloody hated so much that you both leave your own house,” Ellie’s voice broke and Niall could see the tears tiding in her eyes.

“No,” Niall shook his head and swallowed, “No, Ellie. You can stay. What happened with Zayn wasn’t your fault, it was mine. And I was going to come back last night but Liam and Louis thought it was better that I stay with them. I don’t hate you. The situation we’re in isn’t the best but you’re not any more to blame than I am. I’d rather you be here and safe than somewhere you’re not.” His words weren’t enough to keep her tears in and when they started he couldn’t help but step forward to give her a hug. When he stepped back, he put his hands on her cheeks, wiping away her tears with his thumbs before he pulled her back in. “Please don’t cry Ellie. Stress isn’t good for the baby.”

“God,” Ellie shook her head and stepped back from Niall. Her tears were slowing and she wiped them away as she let out a little laugh, “Already such a Dad.”

Niall smiled at her in response, “I’ll take that as a lovely compliment.”

***

Harry was gone by the time Zayn woke up at half past one. He couldn’t remember the last he’d slept in that late and it was all because of Niall. When they’d started sharing his bed, Niall always woke up earlier than him and he’d get restless. He knew Zayn liked having him in his bed so he’d try not to leave but he knew Zayn would sleep all day if he let him so Zayn would either be woken up with blowjobs, sound leaking from Niall’s headphones or his moving too much but Zayn never minded. Hell even before they’d started sleeping together, Niall would still wake Zayn up with the TV or banging around in the kitchen or the sounds of his final goodbyes with his romps from the night before.

Zayn shook his head and let out a little puff through his nose. His sleeping-in to mid afternoon had just been another piece of him on the list of things that he’d given to Niall over the years.

No, he told himself. He wasn’t going to do this, at least not now. He wasn’t going to wake up mourning over something that was already said and done. Niall had told him that he wanted out and that was it. He’d lost the love of his life but it happened to people every day. Hell, it had happened to him before. Granted, he never thought that he’d lose Niall but the point remained. He wasn’t special and Niall had proven that. He would get over it eventually and that process started with not dwelling on what he couldn’t change and smoking instead.

He forced himself off of Harry’s couch and into his room to find his mason jar and some rolling papers. There was nothing a blunt couldn’t fix. He noticed the folded up pile of clothes in a corner of the room, too small for Harry and could only be Louis’s, and Zayn made a mental note that they’d discuss it later. He found the jar in a drawer with Harry’s condoms and lube and Zayn grimaced at his strange method of organization but it wasn’t technically his so he had no room to complain. The papers were still on the dresser from the night before so he grabbed one and retreated back to the kitchen to sit down and roll.

He tried his best to fend off all the memories that rose to the forefront of his brain as he broke the weed down; all the blunts he’d smoked with Niall, the shotgun kisses and the lazy, slow sex and open, smiley kisses that always ensued after. How he’d taught Niall how to roll back in high school, though he made him practice with oregano and tissue paper to avoid wasting anything. Niall would get so frustrated when it fell apart but he was so eager to learn and practice until he could get it right and Zayn remembered how proud he was when Niall finally rolled his first official joint. He could still remember the sparkle in Niall’s eye when he finally got it, how he’d looked at Zayn like he was a phenomenon because he’d taught him.

He should’ve known, he thought, should’ve been able to tell that even back then there was something there but he’d been too scared to admit it himself and he knew it would have been impossible at the time since Niall was nowhere near ready to settle down yet. But even so, there was still the ‘what if’. The idea of how much more time they could’ve had together, the possibility of Ellie never happening, had they just been brave and admitted that they’d loved each other from the start.

But Zayn shut the thought down as quickly as he could. There was no time for what ifs. He couldn’t change what had already happened. The only thing he could change was the present and the first thing he wanted to change was the fact that he was sad and sober.

So he smoked the blunt and went through most of Harry’s box of Curiously Cinnamon and spent the majority of the day in his boxers watching Netflix. Thoughts of Niall passed through his brain a few times but he shut down the thoughts fast enough to keep himself from completely losing it again so he noted it as a small success.

***

Harry was a shit friend. He knew that. He knew he should’ve gone home to take care of the sad Zayn on his couch but it had been days since he’d last seen Louis and he missed him. It was impossible to think about how they’d managed being apart for so long when they weren’t together because now that they were back in each other’s good graces, being apart was just too much to bear.

The idea of taking Louis out had come to Harry on more than one occasion and he had the excuse now since they couldn’t go back to either of their places but of course Louis was quick to remind him that it was against their ‘rules’. No dates, no ‘I love you’s’, no ‘boyfriend behavior’. There was no way that they could just erase all of the old habits or get rid of the love that they both knew was still there but Louis had made it clear that he wasn’t ready to acknowledge it and Harry was just willing to take what he could get for now.

They fucked and sometimes Louis slept over. They texted each other when they were away and talked when they were together. It was like dating again in a way, just without the actual dates. But they could feel themselves falling in love again or at least Harry could feel it but he thought Louis felt it too. He could tell Louis was scared and that he wanted to take it slow but they were making progress.  When they first started whatever they had going, they didn’t talk. It was just a quick fuck and then they were out the door.

But gradually the conversations had started to come back. One of them would just start talking after sex and the other would listen and it eventually led to the sleepovers because they’d be too tired by the end of the conversation to leave. And then the texts started again because they couldn’t wait until they saw each other to talk. They never talked about the hard things, all the hurt and everything that had broken them in the first place. The closest they ever got was an ‘I missed you’ before a kiss or a breathy ‘missed this’ in a pant but they figured it was better off that way.

So when Harry greeted Louis by pulling him into his lap and snogging him as soon as he got into Harry’s truck as opposed to using actual words it was to be expected. Harry leaned his seat back and Louis slotted himself between his legs, already getting a hand down Harry’s pants as they deepened the kiss. Harry pulled a tube of lube from the glove box and went to work opening Louis up because he didn’t know how much longer he could wait.

It didn’t take long before both of their pants were kicked down over the pedals and Louis was riding Harry, his skin and fringe glimmering in the light of the street lamp and moon.

“Missed this,” Harry panted and Louis smirked. “What?”

“I feel 18 again,” Louis laughed and Harry closed his lips in a smiley kiss.

“Except I remember being on top back then,” Harry joked and Louis laughed again.

It felt good. Not just the sex but actually being back. Being comfortable again. Being able to joke and laugh and kiss and hug and not want to murder each other at any given moment. It was good and Harry made it known as such after they’d both finished and Louis was curled up ontop of him, just staring at the moon.

“It does feel good to be back,” Louis agreed with a small peck to Harry’s shoulder.

“So let’s make it real then,” Harry said quietly and Louis furrowed his brows.

“What do you mean?” Louis asked.

“I mean let’s try again. Forreal. Be together again,” Harry said.

“Haz,” Louis sighed with a shake of his head as he picked up his boxers from the ground and moved to sit in the passenger seat.

“Why not, Louis?” Harry frowned.

“Because,” Louis shook his head with a sigh and looked out of the window.

“You’re always saying how much you miss it, Louis. How much you miss me. I’m right here. Waiting on your – our – fucking doorstep. You just won’t let me in,” Harry said and he could see Louis frown.

“Don’t,” he murmured.

“ _Why_?” Harry pressed.

“Why isn’t this enough for you, Harry? God, at least we’re fucking and talking again. Why do you always have to go asking for more?” Louis snapped.

“Because I love you!” Harry snapped back, “And I know you love me too. Even if you don’t want to admit it. How is _this_ enough for you? Quickies and text messages and the occasional sleepover when you’re too fucked out to leave? How the fuck could you choose that over actually being properly together again?”

“Because you fucked that up in case you forgot,” Louis sneered and Harry huffed and looked away. “I’m not saying this to hurt you, Haz, but it’s true. You fucked everything up, fucked _me_ up really bad and it’s taken a year to rebuild. Taking this leap with you again is hard enough. I can’t just jump back into being together again until I know I’m-” Louis shook his head and took a deep breath, “Until I know I’m safe with you again. That you’re not going to royally destroy me and just walk away again.”

“And how long is that going to take?” Harry muttered.

“As long it takes,” Louis crossed his arms. “I need time, Harry. And I was also thinking that maybe after Liam moved out, I might take some time to just – be alone. I haven’t had a moment of alone time since what? High school? I like this – what we have – just the way it is.  I like having you again but I also like having the breathing space.”

“So what, I’m just a good time for now?” Harry spat.

“Don’t be a brat, Harry. I’m not saying never. I’m just saying not now,” Louis explained but it did nothing to take the grimace off of Harry’s face.

“I need to go,” Harry muttered, as he handed Louis his clothes off of the ground and pulled up his pants, avoiding Louis’s eye contact.

“Harry,” Louis sighed, “Don’t start the running away again.”

“I am not ‘running away’. I actually do need to go,” Harry said, still not looking at him. “Zayn’s probably still depressed and smoking himself to death.”

Louis frowned at him for a minute before he finally opened the door and stepped out. “Don’t do anything stupid,” he warned after he shut the door and Harry finally turned to glower directly at him.

“Is that a request or a threat?”

“It’s me telling you not to do something to piss me off because I know you’re probably upset but hurting me isn’t going to make you feel any better and it’s definitely not going to fix us any quicker,” Louis told him and Harry’s stomach clenched.

“Fuck you, Louis,” Harry spat, shaking his head as he drove off.

 

Zayn was still on the couch by the time Harry came home but he’d at least made the progress of getting some of the left over Chinese takeaway from the fridge and getting through half a season of Gogglebox so he had a distraction until Harry came storming through the door, slamming it behind him.

Harry trudged straight to his room to pack a bowl and then he was walking through the kitchen to go out on the balcony. Zayn considered going outside with him but he thought better of it and waited until Harry came back inside, calmer and sedated. He took the rest of the takeaway from the fridge and plopped down on the couch across from Zayn.

“You good?” Zayn asked and he couldn’t help but laugh at how low both of their eyes were.

“Guys fucking suck,” Harry shook his head and laughed.

“You and Lou get into it?” Zayn asked.

“How’d you know?” Harry asked.

“It’s pretty obvious, Haz,” Zayn laughed with a shake of his head, “He’s got a pile of stuff in your room and you two’ve been all over each other anytime we’ve hung out since,” Zayn grimaced and swallowed, “since the wedding.”

Harry took a deep breath, “Well yeah. He’s just so fucking difficult, you know? Like he’s not giving me any kind of say in stuff this time which I suppose is fair since I screwed it all up last time but he doesn’t have to constantly remind me how shit I am.”

“Well why chase something that’s not working?” Zayn shrugged and Harry frowned. “I’m just saying. You tried and it didn’t work out. You’re not even together again yet and he’s already making you miserable. Why would you want to get back into something like that?”

“Because I love him,” Harry said like it should’ve been the most obvious thing in the world. “Are you implying that you’re not gonna get back with Niall?”

“No,” Zayn said immediately in defense, “That’s different. We’re married. I don’t really have much of a choice.”

“Yeah you do,” Harry scoffed, “Last time I checked neither of you is Catholic so divorce is definitely a viable option.”

Zayn let out a little breath through his nose and then things went quiet between them for a while as they both pretended to watch the shit show on TV although neither of them was really paying attention. When the credits rolled, Harry clapped him on the shoulder and threw their trash in the bin before he made his way to his room and shut the door behind him.

Zayn exhaled for the first time in what felt like hours and then he was falling apart again. All the work he’d put into keeping it together all day came running down with his tears because he could no longer stop his mind from going to the fact that his marriage was officially over. He replayed their fight again and again and he couldn’t stop thinking about how it had ended. How Niall had told him that he just couldn’t do it anymore.

He was crying so hard that he didn’t even realize that Harry had come back out of his room and was standing over him, watching him with a deep frown on his face.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn sniffed, trying to stifle himself.

“Don’t,” Harry shook his head, “Come to my room. We’ll smoke another blunt.”

“I don’t think a blunt’s going to fix this one, Haz,” Zayn whimpered.

“Well still come,” Harry told him, “You shouldn’t be alone. You’ll only be sadder.”

So Zayn followed Harry to his room and he kept his head in his hands until Harry had finished rolling the blunt. He was still sad after they’d smoked but he had to admit that he did feel just a bit better.

“What ever happened to Nick?” Zayn asked randomly. He figured hearing about Harry’s life  would keep his mind off of his own.

Harry laughed and furrowed his brows, “Why? I thought all of you hated him.”

Zayn shrugged, “Just curious.”

Harry shrugged too, “He’s ok. We talk sometimes but the sex stopped. I miss it sometimes though.” Zayn laughed. “I mean like I miss easy, you know? Like yeah, Louis and I are just hooking up and that should be simple enough but it’s not. We still find ways to fight and there’s just so much baggage there. It was never like that with Nick. It was just sex and fun.”

“Yeah I get it,” Zayn nodded. “That’s how Niall and I were before all this happened. It was so fucking easy. Just smoke a blunt and fuck. I’d give anything to have that back.”

“You’d think the longer you’re with someone, the easier it would get,” Harry shook his head.

“I know,” Zayn sighed.

“You know what Louis told me when I suggested that we should get back together?” Harry said.

“What?” Zayn asked.

“He basically told me that he enjoyed shagging again but that’s all he wanted ‘for right now’. And then he proceeded to remind me that I was the one that fucked everything up so I should just be glad for what I could get. Can you believe that?” Harry scoffed. “I gave that little bastard four years of my life and now all he wants me for is a late night booty call.”

“Since when was that a problem to you?” Zayn laughed but Harry’s face stayed in a grimace.

“He’s different. He was – he _is_ the love of my life. He knows that and he knows that I’m his. But he’s still,” Harry sighed and shook his head, “I don’t know. Scared? Mad? He just – he’s doing everything in his power to try and push me away now and I’m so fucking sick of it. How can you be so in love with someone and then just stop? Love doesn’t just stop.”

Zayn could feel the tears brimming in his eyes again but he was done crying. Instead he surged forward and locked his lips on Harry’s. Harry didn’t respond at first, taken aback in shock, but then he was kissing Zayn back, opening his mouth up to let Zayn in.

“What – what was that? What are you doing?” Harry stammered when Zayn pulled away.

“My marriage is over. Your relationship is over. I’m tired of fucking crying about it. I want to feel something that’s not fucking sad. I’m tired of being sad,” Zayn said and Harry nodded.

“What – what do you want to do?” He asked cautiously. Zayn bit his lip and nudged for Harry to lay down.

Zayn took a deep breath and then his lips were back on Harry’s. He knew what he was doing was fucked up. He knew he’d probably regret it. He knew he had every chance to pull away, to change his mind but he kept going. It started out with a kiss and then he was pulling Harry out of his boxers and pulling off his own trackies.

“Condoms,” Zayn mumbled against Harry’s mouth and it should have halted him because it was the first time he’d had to mention that in nearly a year but he shoved the warning sign out of his mind.

“Wait,” Harry put his hands on Zayn’s wrists, forcing him to pause.

“What?” Zayn huffed impatiently.

“Just – are you sure this is what you want?” Harry asked and Zayn let out a sigh through his nose.

No, he thought. “Yeah,” he breathed, biting down on his lip and then on Harry’s neck before he nudged him to lean back again while Harry dug around in his drawer for condoms and lube.

It was fast and it burned because Harry was bigger and thicker than Niall but it was exactly what Zayn wanted. He wanted to hurt. He wanted to feel the pain inside and outside of his gut. He wanted to feel absolutely wrecked and that’s exactly how he felt as he rode on top of Harry. He knew his bum was going to be sore and he couldn’t help the gasps and whimpers that crawled out of his throat as Harry hit his prostate with every grind down of Zayn’s hips or lazy thrust up from Harry. So Zayn blamed the tears that sprang at the corners of his eyes on the feeling of being torn apart and not on the fact that he was an absolutely pathetic cheating piece of shit.

***

“Hey Lou, can we talk?” Liam asked as he knocked on Louis’s door that night. It hadn’t been long but as Louis and Harry had started getting closer again, Liam had found his way out of Louis’s bed and onto the couch by his own choice.

“Yeah sure, Li. I kind of wanted to talk to you too,” Louis told him as Liam came into the room and sat down on the bed.

“You go first,” Liam told him but Louis shook his head.

“No, you. I was just going to whine about Harry,” Louis sighed.

“Ok well Niall and I were talking on our way to his flat today and he offered to let me kip with him until my place is done and I’m thinking I might take him up on it,” Liam said as gently as he could.

“Ok,” Louis said with a frown.

“Not that living here hasn’t been great because it has but I just – he could probably use a buffer there and-” Liam said but Louis cut him off with an exasperated sigh and eye roll.

“You don’t have to make up excuses, Liam. If you want to leave, then go,” Louis snapped and he didn’t mean for it to come out as biting as it did but he couldn’t help it.

“Louis don’t make it sound like I’m abandoning you. I figured you’d like this anyway. Harry can come back and-“

“Harry’s not coming back,” Louis interrupted him.

“What?” Liam furrowed his brows.

“Harry’s not moving back in. I told him I didn’t want him to. I haven’t been alone since we first got together and I think it’d be good for me to just take some time out for myself. Learn how to be independent. Take care of myself for once,” Louis explained.

“Well that’s good, I guess,” Liam said, a bit drawn out and Louis didn’t like it.

“What?” He asked.

“It’s just – have you ever thought about why it’s been like that? Why you haven’t been alone for years?” Liam asked.

“No,” Louis replied.

“There’s nothing wrong with needing someone there Louis. Especially considering …” Liam said and Louis didn’t need him to fill in the blank. Especially considering the mommy issues. The daddy issues. The self harm and eating disorder. The suicide attempt. God, his life was a walking tragic novel.

“Well it doesn’t matter because I already told Harry,” Louis shrugged.

“And how did he take that?” Liam inquired.

“He was upset, I don’t know,” Louis shrugged and Liam hummed. “Listen, it doesn’t matter. That’s what I want right now. He’s the reason we’re not together right now anyways so he can wait a few more months. Hell he had what? Almost two years of doing whatever the hell he wanted and putting himself first? I deserve a few months.”

“Ok,” Liam conceded as he wrapped an arm around Louis’s narrow shoulders, “If that’s what you really want, Lou.”

“It is,” Louis nodded.

“Ok,” Liam said before he pressed a kiss to Louis’s forehead and got up from the bed. “Goodnight Louis.”

“Goodnight Liam,” Louis said back as Liam shut the door behind him.

***

It would technically be the second night that Niall would be going to sleep without Zayn beside him but it was the first one that he would be sober for and it made Niall’s stomach sink as he laid down in their bed. It wasn’t even his bed really. He was technically in Zayn’s bed, in Zayn’s room but it had become theirs. But it didn’t feel like theirs without Zayn there and it sure as hell didn’t feel like just his.

He couldn’t help but think that Zayn had probably made the right call when he left. He hated it here now. Every inch of the flat just reminded him of what they’d had, what he’d been too stupid to take care of, and what they’d lost because of it.

He didn’t know how he would explain it to Ellie when Liam’s flat was finished and he moved out or how he’d explain it to Zayn if he ever wanted to come back and Niall wasn’t there anymore. Niall let out a sorry little laugh at that. ‘If Zayn came back’. He really wanted to believe that Zayn would come back for him but he knew deep down that he probably wouldn’t. Zayn had been running away for so long and Niall had always caught him but he’d let Zayn go this time. This was his fault.

He tossed and turned in the bed for at least twenty minutes before he gave up on sleep without an aid and forced himself to sit up and roll a joint. He noticed the sticky note missing from his nightstand and it made his stomach sink even further but he pushed through until he was done. He made it to the doorway before he turned around and grabbed the pack of cigarettes Zayn gave him. It started out thrown in a drawer but Niall had immediately fished it out and set it on Zayn’s nightstand in front of a picture of them that he’d turned over because it was too painful to look at.

The silence as he sat on the balcony and smoked only stabbed the realization that Niall was really alone into his brain even more. There would be no shotgun kisses, no Zayn to lay with in bed and laugh until his sides ached. No slow, high rides, with lazy kisses and fingerprints on his hips and teeth marks on his neck. No, Niall would go back into the bedroom alone and he’d reach out to feel for Zayn but there would be nothing there except for cold sheets and an empty bed.


	8. Way Back When

The first thing Zayn saw when he woke up was a pale chest rising and falling beneath him. It came as a surprise, but he welcomed it and laid his head back down before he blinked around the room and realized that he wasn’t back in his own flat and it wasn’t Niall underneath him. It was Harry. He was in Harry’s flat, in Harry’s bed and they were both topless. He took a glance under the sheets. Scratch that. Naked. They were both very naked and Zayn was very, very screwed.

His first instinct was to run but a second thought made him realize that he had nowhere to run to. This was it. Jesus Christ he couldn’t have been more of a fuck up if he tried, he thought. He took a deep breath and tried to think through this rationally. So he couldn’t run and that wouldn’t have been too helpful of an option anyways because he needed to make sure that this stayed between them. But he didn’t feel right staying in bed beside Harry so he did leave the bedroom to throw on some clothes and went outside to smoke a cigarette.

His husband left him. He slept with Harry. He cheated on Niall. He fucked one of their best friend’s. He fucked the love of Louis’s life. No matter which way he looked at it, the situation was utterly and completely fucked. He knew even at the time that it was a stupid idea but he’d gone along with it anyways because he’d thought that it would make him feel better. But instead he was theoretically and literally _fucked_.

Zayn was startled when he walked back inside the kitchen and saw a very naked Harry bent over picking out a pan from the cupboard.

“Mornin,” Harry smirked at Zayn as he shut the door behind him and picked up a bowl to whisk. Zayn knew he was probably looking at Harry like he’d just seen a ghost but he couldn’t help it.

“Why?” Was all Zayn could respond with.

“Why what?” Harry asked, furrowing his brows as he put the bowl down and dropped some butter on the pan.

“Why are you naked and cooking?” Zayn inquired.

“Because this is my flat,” Harry laughed, “And because I’m hungry? Would you like some?”

“Of?” Zayn asked hesitantly.

“The food?” Harry quirked his brows and chuckled.

“Uh, no, um – I’m good. I think I’m gonna step out for a bit today actually. I should get out,” Zayn rambled.

“Good for you,” Harry smiled.

“I think I might actually stop off at my mum’s for a bit,” Zayn told him as he moved into the living room to start packing up his bag.

“Running away again?” Harry asked casually as he poured batter into the pan and Zayn glowered at him.

“I am not ‘running away’. I think it would be good for me to see her and get the hell out of London. I can’t fucking breathe here and it seems like every time I turn around I’m just fucking something else up,” Zayn said wistfully.

“Have at it then,” Harry shrugged and sighed.

“Do you mind not telling anyone though?” Zayn asked cautiously.

“Why?” Harry asked, “If you’re not running away.”

“Not about that. About the other thing,” Zayn said. Harry cocked his head in confusion. “About last night.”

Harry raised his brows and flipped his pancake without responding.

“Harry,” Zayn said sternly, “Please.”

He opened his mouth to say something but he promptly shut it and poured more batter into the pan.

“Please, Haz. I don’t know why you would want to anyways but please, just don’t. At least give me some time to get myself sorted. Niall needs to know before anyone else and if you tell Louis I know he’s going to fly off the handle and then Liam will know and I don’t want Niall to find out like that,” Zayn explained with pleading eyes and Harry sighed again and shook his head.

“We really fucked up,” Harry said as he moved the first pancake to his plate.

“I know,” Zayn breathed.

“I have to tell Lou at some point, Zayn,” Harry told him earnestly.

“I know. Just after I tell Niall,” Zayn said.

“And when is that gonna be?” Harry asked, “Last I checked, you weren’t even speaking to him.”

“I don’t know,” Zayn sighed, “But please just do me that favor, H. I’ll take the flak from Lou, I swear but please just don’t tell him. Not yet.”

“Ok,” Harry nodded with a sigh, “Fine. But if he tries to cut my bollocks off when I finally am allowed to tell him, I’m sending him your way!”

“Thanks a ton, Haz!” Zayn gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. “For everything.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry shrugged him off. “And Zayn,” He called as Zayn was making his way to the door, “No more self-destructive behavior while you’re gone, ok?”

“Yeah,” Zayn breathed with a curt nod, “Got it. Sorry by the way. I shouldn’t have-“

“Don’t,” Harry cut him off, “You weren’t the only one in there last night. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“Ok,” Zayn nodded again in relief. “But thank you again. I’ll see you when I get back.”

“Get to it, you bloody slag,” Harry waved him off and Zayn shut the door behind him with a laugh.

 

Despite how shitty he’d felt in recent days, as Zayn started on the 4 hour drive to Bradford he couldn’t help but think about how lucky he was even if it was all going to shit. He’d been lucky enough to marry his best friend even if it had only been good for a short time. When that had gone sour, he’d been lucky enough to have Harry to lean on. If only he could’ve been better for them. A better husband. A better friend. Just a better Zayn.

As he drove he remembered what exactly he was driving home to and what had happened the last time he’d gone to his parents’ house. How he’d finally officially come out to his parents and how his dad had stormed out. How Niall had been there to hold him and tell him that he wasn’t wrong, that them being in love wasn’t a crime or anything to be ashamed of. They’d been so happy back then, even when things were rough and they had to overcome obstacles. They were able to do it because they did it together. All the times that Niall had assured him he’d be there for Zayn, ‘for now and forever’, no matter what.

Zayn felt like it was his fault. He knew it was his fault. But the small, pathetic piece of him held on to the anger, the blame, the fact that Niall had been the one who’d said he wanted out. Yeah, Zayn had run away but he’d come back. He was gone again because Niall said he didn’t want to do it anymore, didn’t want Zayn anymore. Yes, Zayn had given Niall a reason to want out but Niall had given Zayn reasons too. The difference was that Zayn had at least had the decency to stand through it.

He called his mum to let her know that he was on the way there and then shut off his phone for the remainder of the drive. It was long but it was peaceful in a sense. It was kind of lonely but the farther away Zayn drove, the easier it was for him to breathe.

Unfortunately, the drowning feeling returned by the time he’d gotten to Bradford and was making his way up the gravel path to his old doorstep. The anxiety swelled in his chest, weighing down on his lungs but as soon as his mother had opened the door and took him into her arms, he felt like he was coming up for air.

“Oh, Sweets,” She cooed into his hair and stood back with her hands on his cheeks before she pulled him back in again.

“Mum,” he murmured into her shoulder.

“Baby. Come,” She said as she pulled him into the kitchen by his hand and he felt four years old again. She sat him down at the table and brought over two mugs and a kettle of tea, filling them both before she sat and looked at Zayn with the same worried expression that she always did.

“Oh Sweets what’s wrong?” She asked sadly, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles as they both took sips from their mugs.

“Where’s Dad?” Zayn asked, trying to make sure things were clear before he got into it. The last thing he needed was his Dad telling him he’d been right all along.

“Your dad is at work and the girls are at school. It’s just me here, babez. I came home as soon as you called,” His mum told him.

“Oh mum, you didn’t have to do that,” Zayn shook his head but his mom shook her head back.

“Of course I did. My boy needed me.”

“You’re right,” Zayn nodded, “I do. I miss you so much, Mum.”

“I miss you too, Sweets. But I know that’s not why you came.”

Zayn looked down and then back up into his mum’s worried eyes and she nodded and squeezed his hand for him to speak. “You remember what I told you? About Niall?”

“Of course,” she said sympathetically.

“I thought I could do it, Mum. I tried, I swear I did. But I – I’m not strong enough. I couldn’t do it, Mum,” Zayn shook his head and clenched his jaw, willing himself not to cry but it was a losing battle.

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry,” she shook her head and ran the hand that had been holding her mug over Zayn’s cheek, making her touch warm and needed in more ways than one.

“I thought loving him would be enough. I thought if I could just remind myself how much more I loved him than how much I hated the situation it would be enough but I got scared and I messed everything up, Mum. I’ve really gone and bloody done it.”

“Oh, babez. I’m sure if you just talked to him, you could work this all out. I’ve seen you two together. I can tell he loves you just as much as you love him. This is probably just as hard on him as it is on you,” His mum told him but Zayn shook his head.

“I can’t, Mum. It’s too late,” Zayn said, his voice shaky.

“It’s not,” his mum tried but he was shaking his head again.

“I cheated on him,” Zayn whimpered and his mum’s mouth fell open.

“Oh, Zayn,” she whispered.

“I was stupid and selfish and hurt and angry but above all just an absolutely moronic twat, Mum. I wish I could take it all back. I really, really do,” Zayn cried and his mum pulled him in again.

“Oh, Zaynie,” She repeated and pet his hair back.

“What am I going to do?” He cried into her shoulder.

“Oh babez, I don’t know. I told you cheating is one of the greatest detriments to a marriage. Oh, Zayn how did this happen? How did you let things get so out of control? The last time I saw you two, you were so happy,” His mum said and it only made Zayn tear up more.

“I don’t know, Mum. Everything has just been happening so fast. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Every time I do anything it just feels like I’m messing something else up. I’m such a bloody screw up.”

“Hey,” his mum said seriously, “You are not a ‘bloody screw up’, Zayn. You are strong and amazing and brave. You might have made some mistakes but it doesn’t change every other good thing that you’ve done. I will still always love you and be proud of you no matter what you do and if Niall really loves you the way that I think he does, he’ll feel the same way.”

“But what if he doesn’t, Mum? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? God, I didn’t even tell you that the whole reason that I was even in that position in the first place was because Niall kicked me out,” Zayn said and his mum frowned.

“He kicked you out? For what? He’s the one with a bloody baby on the way! If anyone’s royally screwed up here and should be getting kicked out, it should be him, not you,” His mum said angrily and Zayn admired how defensive she was over him.

“Well really I left by choice but it’s not like he was leaving me many other options. He told me that he couldn’t do it anymore so I just left,” Zayn explained and his mum sighed, shaking her head.

“Oh Zaynie.”

“What?” He asked.

“Babez, you’ve got to quit doing that. You can’t just cut and run every time things get hard. I really thought that would stop when you got married but I guess not,” His mum said wistfully.

“Mum. I told you he didn’t leave me a whole lot of options. The girl was moving in with us and I told him how much I hated the situation – which _you_ told me to do, by the way – and that’s how he responded, by telling me that I was basically too much on his plate. I didn’t do this because I wanted this. I hate this, Mum! Worse than I hated having to deal with Niall’s crap but at least then I still had him. Now I’m miserable _and_ alone,” Zayn said.

“Well you should talk to him then,” his mum suggested, “I doubt he’s faring much better than you are and clearly not having him with you isn’t making you happy or making you make good decisions.”

“But I’m not the one who wanted to walk away, Mum. I didn’t break things up. He did. I didn’t want to leave when I did and he knew that but he just let me. He doesn’t care anymore, Mum. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t need me and he definitely won’t want me now,” Zayn said, his voice breaking and his mum’s face contorted like she was trying her hardest not to cry.

“Do you still love him?” She asked.

“Of course,” Zayn replied on instinct without a moment of hesitation.

“How do you feel without him? Like really feel?” She pressed.

Zayn took a minute before he finally responded. “Lost,” he said, “Miserable. Alone.”

“So tell him that,” She said simply, “Even if you’re scared. Even if you think he won’t feel the same way. You’re not doing any better without him and you haven’t got much to lose at this point.”

“My dignity,” Zayn snarked.

“Sometimes you just have to push you’re pride aside to get what you really want, Zayn. I mean think about it. Would you rather have your pride and have things stay how they are now or would you rather just be honest with him and get the love of your life back?” His mum said like it was just that simple.

“But what if he doesn’t take me back,” Zayn pressed again, “I told you he already made it blaringly clear that he doesn’t want me, Mum.”

“I wasn’t there but I highly doubt that’s accurate,” His mum said, “And even if he did say that, I doubt he meant it. He wouldn’t have married you if it was just that simple for him to give you up and stop loving you and I know for a fact that you’re too smart to have married someone like that.”

“I hope you’re right,” Zayn said quietly and his mum gave him a weak smile.

“Mums usually are, babez,” She said, sliding a hand under his chin to pick it up. “But that’s enough of that. I hate to see you so miserable. Bring your tea, we’re going to curl up on the sofa and watch telly.”

So Zayn ended up spending the afternoon curled up on the couch sharing a blanket with his mum watching crap television. It did help him feel just a bit better and for the first time in days he didn’t feel quite so alone. It got even better when his sisters got home and were so excited to see him. Safaa’s face lit up the instant she saw him and both her and Waliyah squeezed onto the couch to envelop him in a tight hug.

“Where’s Niall?” Safaa asked, looking around Zayn for him and Zayn’s stomach sank just a bit when he remembered how close her and Niall had gotten.

“Yeah, where’s your other half?” Waliyah asked as she got up from the couch to go into the kitchen to get a snack.

“Is me being here on my own not enough for you two?” Zayn joked with a pout.

“No,” Waliyah snarked, “We like Niall better.”

“Well too bad. It’s just me. I missed you guys,” Zayn said.

“We missed you too, Zaynie,” Safaa gave him another hug and kiss and followed her sister into the kitchen.

“Trisha, what’s Zayn’s car doing outside?” Zayn heard his father ask as he trudged around from the front door to the living room before spotting him on the couch.

“Came home for a visit. Hope you don’t mind,” Zayn said crassly.

His father eyed him up and down, “Where’s the other one?”

“Yaser,” Trisha warned.

“My _husband_ is in London. I came alone.”

“The honeymoon is already over so quickly?” Yaser quipped.

“Yaser!” Trisha hissed and hit him on the arm. He shrugged and made his way into the kitchen to give Safaa a kiss on the forehead.

“I’m sorry about that, babez,” Trisha frowned and gave Zayn a pat on the arm before she got up and followed Yaser into the kitchen. Zayn watched as his mum went over to Yaser and hissed something else at him, low enough so that only he would hear as she clutched onto the sleeve of his jacket and then walked away to open the fridge before calling Zayn in to help her make dinner.

It was enough to distract him if only temporarily and he actually felt kind of happy for the first time in days. It reminded him of what it used to be like before he got sent away to boarding school when he and his mum bonded over cutting up vegetables and cubing fruits in preparation for dinner.

Yaser went upstairs to change and Waliyah went to her room to do whatever moody teenage girls did in their rooms leaving Zayn and his mum alone in the kitchen with the exception of Safaa who was still sat at the table doing her homework. Zayn glanced over at her a few times and thought about the potential of how he could be in this same position once again in a few years with Niall and his baby. Niall and him making dinner together, stealing the occasional kiss while Niall’s son or daughter was sat at the table doing their homework. But all that was under the guise that Niall would even take him back.

When the dinner was finished and the table was set, his mother sent him to fetch his dad and Waliyah and they all sat down at the table to eat. Zayn was thankful that his mum made it a point to keep the conversation focused on the girl’s day but of course his father ended the charade as soon as he could.

“So Zayn, how is London? We haven’t heard much from you since the wedding,” His father said, cutting up his meat and looking at Zayn pointedly.

“London is fine,” Zayn said curtly.

“How is Niall?”

“Niall is fine.”

“Why didn’t he come with you for your surprise visit?” His father pressed and he could see his mum shift to strike him under the table.

“He was busy,” Zayn answered and his father cut his eyes.

“Is that so.”

“Well no matter who came, we’re glad you came. It’s always nice to see you, Sweets. Innit, Yaser?” His mum smiled at Zayn and struck Yaser again.

“Sure it is,” Yaser said, “You’d just think as strong of a front as you two were last year, all blazing pride and glory and newly married, you’d be inseparable.”

“Yaser, that’s enough,” His mum hissed but Zayn was already pushing his chair back from the table.

“Where are you going?” His dad called to his back but Zayn didn’t answer.

He retreated to his old room, shutting the door behind him and curled in on himself under his old covers the way he used to back when his Dad acted like a prick before he finally got sent off to boarding school. And then the memories hit him of the last time that he’d been here. How Niall had been with him. The dirty snogs and rushed handjobs. How he’d been there when Zayn’s dad had walked out.

And that’s what it took for Zayn to realize that he’d been wrong all along. Niall had never been on the edge of leaving him. Niall had only ever shown that he was completely and utterly devoted to Zayn. Zayn had been the one to push him, to break him. Zayn was the one who’d run away. Zayn was the one that had left. He’d handled things exactly how his father would have. And it made him absolutely sick.

“Zayn? It’s me,” Waliyah said from outside the door with a knock, “Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” Zayn murmured back and then she was coming in and sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Can I turn on the lamp or something? It’s dark,” she complained and Zayn begrudgingly flipped on the lamp on his night stand and rolled over before his sister could get a good look at his face but it was too late.

“Are you crying?” She asked gently.

“No,” he said with a betraying sniff.

“Zayn,” she whispered, “I didn’t know he still got to you like this. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Zayn sniffed again as he rolled over and turned to look at her, “And I’m not upset over him. Well not entirely.”

“Well what’s got you so upset then?” She asked cautiously.

“Niall’s having a baby,” He said quietly, not looking into Waliyah’s eyes until it was out and when he did he was met with confusion. “He got someone pregnant before we got married and she just told him. It’s complicated,” he clarified and she frowned.

“That sucks. I’m sorry,” she said again and he sighed with a shrug.

“I thought coming here would be a nice break from it all but-“ Zayn started but was interrupted by another knock at his door.

“Zaynie? It’s me,” Safaa said as she peeked her head into the door.

“Saf, Zayn and I are talking,” Waliyah said but Safaa came in anyways. Zayn laughed at his Waliyah’s annoyance and opened his arms to give Safaa a hug and pulled her onto the bed with them.

“I just wanted to make sure he was ok, too,” Safaa explained. “Are you ok, Zaynie?”

“I’m ok, Saf.”

“Did Daddy hurt your feelings?” She asked innocently and Zayn’s heart melted just a bit.

“Nothing, I can’t handle. Don’t worry about me, Munchkins,” he said with a small smile and a kiss to her cheek and she gave him another hug. “You two should get some shut eye. You’ve got school in the morning.”

“It’s 7 o’clock,” Waliyah chuckled and Zayn glanced at the clock on his nightstand. She was right but he was still pretty exhausted himself and he said as much.

“Some things don’t change, do they?” Waliyah laughed and Zayn quirked his brows.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Zayn asked.

“You’re always the first to go to sleep, the last to wake up, and always taking a nap,” Waliyah said and they all laughed.

Zayn gave his sisters another round of hugs and goodnight kisses and assured them that he’d take them out for ice cream the next afternoon after they got home from school and then he was alone again. Going to sleep on his own still wasn’t the same as having Niall beside him, but he didn’t cry again so he noted it as a small victory.

***

The next day passed by pretty peacefully which was a nice change from the usual amount of drama that Zayn had started to become accustomed to. By the time he woke up, it was already midafternoon so he only had a few hours to pass before his sisters would be out of school. He spent most of it on the couch watching TV but he got bored of it and decided to just go get the girls directly from school instead of waiting for them to come home.

He went by Waliyah’s school first which provided a nice boost to his ego as the girls did double takes at him and he caught little whispers of “ohmygod”, “who is that?”, and “he is so freaking hot”.

“Zayn, what are you doing here?” Waliyah asked as he made his way up to her and her friends blushed.

“I got bored of sitting at home so I figured I’d just come get you,” he told her with a smile and her friends knit their eyebrows together and whispered to each other.

“Well I guess I’ll catch you guys later then,” She gave her friends hugs and they waved the two of them goodbye as they made their way to Zayn’s car. “You totally just wanted all the school girls to flip out over you,” she rolled her eyes and Zayn scoffed with a laugh as he turned the car on and pulled away.

“Totally not true. They’re too young for me and also very much not my type,” Zayn reminded her and Waliyah laughed.

“Not to mention the fact that you’re also very much married,” Waliyah reminded him and Zayn swallowed and nodded.

“That as well,” Zayn nodded.

 

Zayn got a lot less attention as he made his way into Safaa’s school though a few mums and teachers gave him onceovers as he and Waliyah walked through the halls to Safaa’s classroom.

“Zayn,” Safaa exclaimed as they walked into the bright, drawing covered classroom and he crouched down and opened his arms for her to run into.

“Saf,” he smiled as he picked her up and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“And who might this be?” A handsome brunette man just a bit taller than Zayn asked as he walked up to the pair.

“This is my big brother, Zayn,” Safaa said proudly. Zayn hadn’t felt so proud to be claimed since Niall had introduced him as his boyfriend to Mary on their art gallery date ages ago.

“Well hello, Big Brother Zayn,” the man stretched his hand out and Zayn obliged him with a shake, “I’m Mr. Blake, Safaa’s teacher. I’ve heard quite a bit about you actually.”

“Is that so?” Zayn said with a smile looking between Safaa and her teacher. “All good things, I hope.”

“Yes! For show and tell she brought in her basket and flower crown from your wedding and told the class all about seeing her brother get married and being the flower girl, and your lovely, lovely cake,” He said with the kind of genuine smile that only the best kind of teachers had and cemented Zayn’s approval when he gave Safaa a poke in the belly and made his little sister giggle. “Congratulations by the way.”

“Thank you,” Zayn nodded cordially, “It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Blake.”

“Call me, Christian. And it was nice to meet you too, Zayn. You should come in one day to read to the class, if you ever have a day off or something. We usually just ask parents to come in but I’m sure Safaa would love to show you off to her friends,” Christian suggested with another warm smile and Zayn caught Waliyah rolling her eyes with a little laugh out of the corner of his eye.

“Well I’m actually only in Bradford for a small visit. I’m still living in London,” he said.

“Well,” Christian shrugged, “If you’re ever in town again for another ‘small visit’, you’re welcome to stop by.”

“Sure thing, Mr. B,” he said with a charming smile and subtle onceover as he gave him a wave and turned to lead his sisters outside.

“What was that?” Waliyah asked when they were in the hall and he put Safaa down.

“What?” Zayn asked.

“You were totally flirting with him!” Waliyah called him out and Zayn blushed.

“I was not!”

“You so were,” Waliyah argued.

“I was just being nice. There’s nothing wrong with being nice,” Zayn said defensively.

“Sure thing, Christian,” Waliyah mocked him in a way too deep and accented voice and they all laughed.

Zayn took the girls to the ice cream parlor after that as promised and he thought the day would go back to steady peace but of course he’s never that lucky.

“Zayn Malik?” A voice asked from behind where he was sat at a small, round table with his sisters. He turned and was met with a tan and slight man with black hair. It took him a minute to recognize him but when he did, he couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face.

“Charlie Emmerson.” He was an old friend from London, one of Louis’s football mates and one of the first guys Zayn had ever hooked up with. He hadn’t gotten that much taller since then but other than that he’d definitely aged well. Zayn got up and gave him a hug nonetheless.

“How’ve you been man? Word around town is you got married,” Charlie said, bright smile still on his lips.

“Yeah,” Zayn breathed and rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah, I did. How’d you hear?”

“Facebook, man. We’ve all seen the pictures. Can’t say I was really expecting your blushing groom to be Nialler of all people, but I gotta admit you two look good together, man. Where is the little Irishman by the way? Are you guys back in Bradford to stay or are you just visiting?”

“Nah, we’re still in London. I just came back home for a bit to see my family,” Zayn said, his smile wavering just slightly. “What about you?”

“London was nice. Really nice actually. But there was just so much, too much. I missed simplicity. So I came back to Bradford. It can be a bit boring sometimes but I needed the peace for a bit, you know? There aren’t nearly as many hot blokes though,” Charlie smirked and Zayn laughed.

“Oh, Charles,” Zayn chuckled and pushed his chest.

“I remember you saying that a lot back in the day,” Charlie joked and Zayn blushed as he laughed. “Just a joke, Z. I’m happy for you. That you met someone that’s good for you. You deserve it.”

“Really?” Zayn quirked his brows.

“I mean you were a right shit back in the day but you weren’t all bad, Zayn. You could actually be really great when you wanted to be,” Charlie smiled again.

“Thanks,” Zayn smiled back.

“Will you still be in Bradford tonight?” Charlie asked and Zayn’s breath stopped for a moment.

“Uh yeah, no. I should be. Why?” He stammered.

“You should come around to the club tonight. I’ll introduce you to some friends of mine. Show you what Bradford’s like for grownups,” Charlie smirked.

Zayn lolled his head and glanced over at his sisters before he looked at Charlie again. “Oh, Charlie I didn’t come home to party. I just-“

“I won’t bite, Zayn. I know you’re married. You don’t have to worry. It’s just an offer to catch up with an old friend and have some fun while you’re home.” He walked over to the cashier and borrowed a pen to scrawl something on a napkin before he handed it over to Zayn. “We’ll be there ‘round 9. Come. Or not. Completely up to you. But you should,” Charlie smiled at him again and patted Zayn on his chest before waving to Zayn’s sisters at the table and going through the door of the ice cream parlor, leaving the bell on top of it chiming and Zayn reeling.

“Two boys in one day, Zayn? And a husband back in London? You’ve gotta teach me your ways,” Waliyah urged him as he sat back down at the table.

“Who was that?” Safaa sing-songed.

“An old _friend_ ,” Zayn emphasized and crumpled the napkin in his hand though he still slipped it into his jacket pocket.

***

Zayn didn’t take the napkin out of his pocket again until later that night after he’d gone back and forth with himself for a while and finally decided that he was going. He’d come back to Bradford because he needed a break and he’d wanted to clear his head and what better way to do that than to get back to going out?

He dressed simply, a dark gray pullover with horizontal lightning strikes, black jeans, black Dr. Martens and a headband to hold back his hair that was finally starting to curl at the nape of his neck.

“And where are you headed off to?” His mum asked as he made his way down the stairs to the front door.

“I’m just meeting up with an old friend from school, Mum,” Zayn told her flatly.

“Well you look nice,” His mum said, eyeing him carefully.

“It’s nothing, Mum,” Zayn said defensively.

“Didn’t say it was,” his mum said, lolling her head. “Just be- aware. Your problems may be back in London but it’s not a hall pass to act up in Bradford, ok babez?”

“Mum,” Zayn muttered.

“I’m just saying, love,” his mum said. “Once is a mistake. Twice is a choice.”

“I’m not going to cheat on him, Mum. A little faith would be nice,” Zayn frowned.

“I love you, Sweets, you know that. It’s just that I know you’re not in the best place right now and I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret,” she said plaintively.

“I’m leaving, Mum. See you in the morning,” Zayn said before he went through the door, tired of everyone’s constant lecturing and worrying every time he decided to leave the house and stop sulking in misery.

 

The club was thriving by the time Zayn was making his way through the brass doors of the building Charlie had given him the address to. He silently cursed himself for coming, told himself it was such a dumb idea, and then cursed himself again for not at least getting Charlie’s number earlier so he’d be able to find him if he did. He decided to just go straight to the bar so he could at least start to relax with a drink in hand though the journey to the bar was no small feat as there were sweaty and swaying bodies everywhere. He got his waist grabbed a few times but he brushed them off with light pushes and glares and told himself he’d never be caught alone in a club again.

He’d just gotten his gin and tonic when another hand landed on his shoulder. He was about to tell the perpetrator off when he turned and found Charlie standing behind him with a bright smile and his own face softened into a slightly annoyed smile.

“You came,” Charlie said, barely audible over the pounding music.

“Yeah,” Zayn nodded as Charlie took the seat beside him and called the bartender over to order a pint. “I figured I should get out while I was here. I haven’t really gone out like this in a while.”

“Oh the life of a married man,” Charlie quipped and Zayn shook his head as he chuckled.

“Where are your friends?” Zayn asked, remembering Charlie had mentioned them earlier.

“All over the place,” Charlie shook his head as the bartender brought him his pint. “Chris,” he pointed toward the crowd, “is on the floor. Loves to dance. Xander and Theo are upstairs on the roof. I was with them but I came down to find you.”

“Thank God. I should’ve gotten your number earlier. I didn’t realize how packed this place would be, especially for a Tuesday night.”

“Adds new definition to ‘club going up on a Tuesday’, innit,” Charlie joked and Zayn laughed.

“Sure does,” he nodded as he looked at the mess of bodies on the dance floor.

“Want to dance?” Charlie asked, following Zayn’s gaze.

“Nah,” Zayn shook his head, “Not much of a dancer.” He knocked on the wood of the bar. “This is more my thing in the club.”

“I see nothing’s changed,” Charlie laughed as Zayn ordered another drink.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Zayn asked defensively, though the smile on his lips showed he wasn’t as offended as he tried to sound.

“Nothing,” Charlie chuckled as he shook his head and finished off his pint, signaling for the bartender to bring him another. “It’s good. You were always good. Even when you weren’t.”

“Dunno what you mean but I’ll take it as a compliment,” Zayn smiled and he could’ve sworn he saw a sparkle in Charlie’s eye as he got up.

“Come on,” he said, offering his hand for Zayn to take. Zayn looked at it hesitantly and Charlie grabbed his and leaned in to speak into his ear over the music, “It’s so we don’t get separated. Not making a move on ya, Malik.”

“Oh get over yourself,” Zayn pushed at his chest and took his hand, letting Charlie lead him away.

He followed Charlie through the mass of bodies and surprisingly the crowd wasn’t as grabby this time and let them get through without too much hassle. Charlie led him up the swirling staircase and then he pushed through a metal door and they were on the roof. It was beautifully decorated with shrubbery lining the fences and white Christmas lights but the best part was the view of Bradford beneath them.

“This is amazing,” Zayn breathed as he looked all around and Charlie smiled at him.

“Told you,” he said.

“Charlie!” A voice called and Charlie finally let go of Zayn’s hand to turn to a tall and quite fit lad.

“Xan,” Charlie said and let himself be embraced. “Zayn, Xander. Xander, this is my old friend Zayn.”

“Hi,” Xander smiled and Zayn couldn’t help but smile back at him and the hand he had stretched out for him.

“Hi,” Zayn said back.

“Where’s Theo?” Charlie asked and Xander nodded over towards a nearly as fit lad wearing a backwards Snapback with impeccable eyebrows that could rival his own that was talking to a short, blonde bird in a fitted purple dress.

“Well Theo’s a bit busy at the mo’ so us two will just have to do,” Charlie said as a barkeep walked over and Charlie pulled out test tube shots for the three of them.

 

So the night passed by in hours of flowing conversation and drinks that were only interrupted when Chris and Theo came over to them to let them know that they were taking their respective birds home and to say quick hellos to Zayn before they made their way out of the club. The number of people on the roof trickled down slowly and Xander left around 1 so Zayn and Charlie were alone on the roof by 2:30 when the club was getting ready to close for the night.

“So what are you really doing here?” Charlie asked, glancing over at Zayn before his gaze returned to where their feet were dangling over the city.

“What do ya mean?” Zayn asked, “You invited me.”

“I meant in Bradford. Without Niall.”

Zayn looked at him, his face hard, before he sighed and rested his head on Charlie’s shoulder. “Marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

Charlie scoffed, “Any married man could have told you that. Monogamy and matrimony isn’t realistic.”

“He got someone pregnant,” Zayn said, eyes on their feet.

“Oh God,” Charlie breathed.

“And then he broke up with me.”

“For her?” Charlie asked.

Zayn shrugged and shook his head, “He said it wasn’t about her but it sure was convenient timing.”

“I’m sorry, Zayn,” Charlie spoke softly and put his arm around Zayn’s shoulders.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” Zayn requested quietly.

“I won’t,” Charlie promised and stretched out his pinky. Zayn obliged and Charlie gave him a kiss on his temple the way he used to when they were together. They stayed quiet for a few minutes until Charlie glanced at his watch and remembered that the club was shutting down. “We should go. Club’s closing.”

“Well this was nice. I had a good time,” Zayn told him as he stood and stretched his hand out to help Charlie up.

“It doesn’t have to be over,” Charlie told him quietly, hand still in Zayn’s.

Zayn opened his mouth to speak but his words got caught in his throat and he shut it again.

“If you want,” Charlie spoke softly, running his thumb over Zayn’s knuckles and Zayn looked down at their intertwined hands.

“I w-,” Zayn started but even though he was drunk, he still had some sense of rationality. “I can’t,” he shook his head. “I know what happens if I stay with you and I can’t. I can’t do that to Niall or you or myself. You’re good, Charlie. You deserve good. Not some drunk mishap.”

Charlie nodded, his eyes on his hand that was still in Zayn’s. “At least let me take you home.” Zayn lolled his head and Charlie chuckled, “I mean to your home. Let me get you a cab home. Can I do that?”

“I’d love that,” Zayn said, resting his head on Charlie’s shoulder again before he led them back down the staircase and out of the club and called for a cab.

***

 “Hey, Zayn,” Charlie said, shaking Zayn’s shoulder when they got to his house after he’d fallen asleep in the cab on the way. “We’re here.”

“Ok. Ok,” Zayn nodded as he undid his seatbelt and got out of the car unsteadily. Charlie immediately got out and came around to his side to steady him, putting Zayn’s arm around his shoulders and his arm around Zayn’s waist. “You didn’t have to do that,” Zayn told him.

“You looked like you were gonna fall over,” Charlie told him as he helped him up the stairs.

“Thank you,” Zayn said as he dug for his keys in his pocket, “For everything. For being so great and for understanding. You really are great, Charlie. Always have been.”

“Thanks, Zayn,” Charlie smiled at him and gave him a nod. “I hope everything works out for you. Take care of yourself.”

“You too,” Zayn gave him a lopsided smile and a squeeze to his hand. Charlie was about to turn to leave when Zayn grabbed his hand again and pulled him back in. He wrapped his arms around him, sealing him in a deep embrace that Charlie returned as Zayn buried his face in his neck.

“What’s this for?” Charlie asked.

“Cause I couldn’t give you what you wanted. Now or then,” Zayn said tiredly and Charlie gave him a little squeeze.

“It’s ok,” Charlie murmured, “I still thought you were great, too. Then and now.”

“Thank you,” Zayn whispered as he finally let Charlie go.

“You’ve got my number now so I expect you to use it,” Charlie said over his shoulder as he made his way down the steps. “If you ever find yourself back in Bradford, which I know you will, I’ll be expecting a follow up.”

“Of course,” Zayn said, smile still on his lips as he waved Charlie off on his way back to the cab.

For the first time in what felt like ages, Zayn went to sleep happy and just a bit proud of himself. He didn’t have Niall by his side but he was doing ok. He was going to be ok.


	9. I Will Return

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok here on your own?” Liam asked as he packed the last of his things into his suitcase and Louis leaned against the doorway to watch him. He was stopping by his new flat to check on a few things and drop some stuff off and then he’d be on his way to his new home at Niall’s.

Louis crossed his arms and sighed as he nodded, “Yeah.”

“I’m still around if you need anything; we all are. And I can be back in a heartbeat if you need me to,” Liam assured him.

“I’ll be ok, Liam, really. I’m a big boy,” Louis joked and Liam shook his head as he laughed and zipped up his bag.

“Bring it in,” Liam said as he opened his arms and brought Louis in for a hug. Louis buried his head in the crevice between Liam’s neck and shoulder, the way he always did, and Liam pulled him in even tighter.

“Thank you. For everything,” Louis said in a soft whisper and Liam pet his hair back as he nodded and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“You’re amazing, Tommo. Don’t you ever forget that,” Liam told him.

“And you’re a real hero, Liam Payne. I love you,” Louis told him with a kiss to Liam’s shoulder as he stepped back and put his hands on his hips with a small, satisfied smile.

“Love you too, Louis Tomlinson. Take care of yourself,” Liam said as he slung his suitcase over his shoulder and rubbed Louis’s hair one more time before he left.

***

“Well you know where everything is so a tour won’t be necessary, I suppose?” Niall said as he let Liam in and Liam shook his head with a laugh.

“No, I suppose not,” He said as he tossed his bag down beside the couch and Niall went into the kitchen to grab two beers.

“Already, Niall?” Liam asked, following him.

“It’s to celebrate, you twat,” Niall scoffed as he shoved the second beer into Liam’s hand.

“I’m sleeping on your couch for a few weeks until my new flat is done. But if that calls for celebration to you,” Liam shook his head and took a sip from his beer.

“For surviving,” Niall said solemnly, “For us getting through last year and being ok on our own now.”

Liam looked at him quizzically and nodded, clinking their beers together as he wrapped an arm around Niall’s shoulders, “For surviving and being ok.”

“Don’t mind me. Just coming in to make a cuppa and then I’m gone,” Ellie said as she came into the kitchen and fixed a kettle of water.

“Don’t worry, El. You’re not interrupting anything,” Liam told her and Ellie smiled.

“Well that’s good to hear cause I was a bit hungry as well.”

“Do you want me to make you something? I can cook,” Liam offered and Niall and Ellie both looked at him puzzled.

“I mean I’m used to it, cooking for someone else. I cooked for our friend Louis all the time,” Liam went on, “Really, I don’t mind.”

“Ok,” Ellie smiled softly and took a seat at the breakfast bar, “What are you going to make?”

“What would you like?” Liam asked, opening up the fridge to see what Niall already had.

“Just something simple is fine,” Ellie said.

“Something simple it is then,” Liam nodded as he started taking things out of the fridge. “I can bring it to your room along with your tea when I’m finished, if you’d like. You should probably get as much rest as you can.”

Ellie smiled and nodded as she got up from the seat and thanked him before she went back to Niall’s room.

“What the hell was that?” Niall blurted as soon as he heard her shut the door.

“What was what?” Liam asked innocently, cracking four eggs open.

“ ‘I can cook for you, Ellie. I’ll bring it to your room too, if you’d like. How’s about I brush your hair and eat you out while I’m at it’,” Niall mocked and Liam smacked him on the shoulder.

“I’m just trying to be nice, Niall. I can’t imagine that she’s had it that easy lately what with you and Zayn’s drama and everything going on in her own life. And news flash: she is the mother of your child, after all. It doesn’t hurt to be civil. And anyways I sent her away so that we could talk,” Liam explained.

“About what?”

“Have you talked to him?” Liam asked.

“Have I talked to who?”

“Zayn,” Liam deadpanned.

Niall frowned, “No.”

“Why not?” Liam asked, as he slipped bread into the toaster and picked up the bowl to whisk the eggs.

“Well he’s not here so there’s that,” Niall started.

“You are aware that it’s the 21st century, right? You have a cell phone and a laptop. You also know where he is and you have a car.”

“No actually I wasn’t aware of these irrelevant things before you told me, Liam. Thank you for informing me,” Niall snarked.

“Don’t be snappy,” Liam pointed the whisk at him, “My point is that just because he isn’t here doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to him. Have you talked to Harry, at least? Checked to see how Zayn’s holding up?”

“No. I haven’t,” Niall said flatly, “And I’m not a bad husband just because I haven’t, if that’s what you’re trying to get at. He left me. Twice. I don’t have to chase him every time he runs away and frankly I’m tired of it. He knows that I love him and he knows that I don’t want to hurt him. If he still wants to run away from me, then fine, that’s his choice. But I’m done running after someone who’s not even willing to do the same thing for me.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Liam asked, pouring the eggs into the skillet before he grabbed some vegetables from the fridge.

“The whole reason things are the way they are right now is because the one time I decided to push Zayn back, he just left. The morning I told him I couldn’t do it anymore, I didn’t mean it. Not really. Watching him suffer was hard but we could have made it through this if we’d did it _together_ like we were supposed to. I gave him an out and he took it without a second thought. What the hell does that say about our marriage, Liam? Zayn didn’t even think it was worth fighting for,” Niall explained, shaking his head in frustration.

“That’s not true,” Liam said quietly as he sliced a tomato.

“Yes it is. I’m done worrying about Zayn when he doesn’t give a shit about me. I didn’t mean it then but I mean it now,” Niall proclaimed.

“No you don’t,” Liam shook his head.

“Yes I do,” Niall argued.

“No, you don’t. And I know you don’t because if it were just that easy for you two to stop caring about each other, you wouldn’t have gotten married,” Liam told him.

“Well why hasn’t he called _me_?” Niall asked. “Why hasn’t he checked to see how _I’m_ doing?”

“Because he’s cagey and you know that,” Liam rolled his eyes, “You hurt him. He thinks you don’t love him anymore, which is what you’re making it sound like, but you know deep down that that’s bullshit. He hurt you too but he still loves you and you still love him. I know it sucks but with people like Zayn and Louis, you just have to swallow your pride because they never will and someone has to do it if you want to get past the hump.”

“Why do I always have to be the one to do it?” Niall whined. “Compromise is supposed to be mutual.”

“Because that’s the guy you married. You knew what you were getting into when you two got together so don’t act so surprised now,” Liam said and Niall rolled his eyes.

“What if I don’t want to?” Niall asked.

“Then you’re a masochist and I refuse to listen to you whine anymore,” Liam said and Niall couldn’t help but to laugh.

Liam took out three plates and distributed his cheese, eggs, and tomato on toast on each of them evenly. He then took out three tea cups from the cupboard and filled them from the kettle Ellie had put on. He set his and Niall’s plates and cups down on the breakfast bar and brought Ellie’s to her room before he returned and took his seat beside Niall.

“She’s really not that bad, you know,” Liam said, taking a sip from his tea.

“Never said she was,” Niall said around a mouthful of toast.

“I just don’t see why this caused such a problem when she doesn’t even do anything. She seems eternally grateful and pleasant,” Liam commented.

Niall shrugged, “I’ll be sure to mention your lovely observation when Zayn and I have our heart-to-heart.”

“Don’t be so cynical, Niall. I’m just trying to help. I hate to see you so miserable and honestly I think if Zayn was here, you’d actually be happy,” Liam said.

“Well obviously,” Niall snarked.

“Genuinely happy, I mean. Like you were before. I know you may not see it now but this _is_ everything you wanted at one point. Granted, you probably didn’t plan on having it all at one time but these are all things that you wanted. You’re going to have your very own child, you have Zayn, and you kind of have Ellie too,” Liam explained.

“Yeah, well this isn’t what Zayn wanted and this isn’t really what Ellie wanted either so, no. I don’t get to be happy because they’re both miserable,” Niall deadpanned and Liam figured it was probably time to drop the subject.

“Well on a lighter note, thanks for letting me crash here,” Liam smiled and gave Niall a pat on the shoulder.

“Thanks for staying with me.”

***

“Welcome back,” Harry said as Zayn opened the front door behind where he was lying on the couch scrolling through his laptop that evening.

“Hi,” Zayn said meekly as he dropped his bag on the floor beside the couch and took a seat.

“How was Bradford?” Harry asked, eyes still on his laptop.

“It was … It was nice,” Zayn said with a small smile on his lips.

“That’s good,” Harry nodded, genuinely happy for him. “Have you thought about talking to Niall?”

“Harry,” Zayn sighed.

“Look I get that you don’t want to deal with it but I have to tell Louis, Zayn,” Harry said frustatedly as he closed his laptop and sat up.

“I know, I know,” Zayn scrubbed his hand down his face, “I just—ok.”

“Ok, what?” Harry asked.

“I’ll talk to him,” Zayn said.

Harry let out a deep breath and leaned back into the couch, “Why isn’t this making either of us feel relieved?”

“Because this might be the actual end of both of our marriages as we know it,” Zayn said with a little snort.

“God, what did we do?” Harry closed his eyes and shook his head.

“It was a mistake. But in our defense we were both high. And hurting. They hurt us, Harry. They’re partly to blame for this,” Zayn reasoned.

“I really don’t think Lou is gonna see it that way,” Harry sighed.

Zayn put his head down in his hands, “I know. God, I’m so sorry, Haz.”

“Let’s just rip the bandaids off at the same time, ok? You can call Niall over here and I’ll go over to Louis’s. I just want to get this over with already,” Harry said as he got off the couch and gave Zayn a pat on the back before he went into the kitchen. “Do you want a beer? Or a joint? Something to take the edge off?”

“I could go for both to be honest,” Zayn called over his back. Harry passed him a beer before he went into his room to get his weed and rolling papers.

“You’re not gonna kiss me again if we smoke right?” Harry asked as he grinded up the weed.

“Get over yourself,” Zayn scoffed and they both couldn’t help but to laugh.

So they drank two beers and got through a joint and then Harry closed himself in his bathroom to shower and get ready to go to Louis’s. As soon as Zayn heard the water going, he braced himself, took a deep breath and reached for his phone.

His chest clenched and his heart pounded as he scrolled to the H’s and clicked on “Husband”. He’d thought about changing Niall’s name to a lot of different things – “Niall”, “Traitor”, and “Prick” being his top picks – but he could never bring himself to do it. So Niall’s contact remained as “Husband” with a picture of them wrapped around each other and their lips locked at their wedding that made Zayn sick for all the wrong reasons.

When Niall didn’t pick up by the fourth ring, Zayn started to lose hope. He shook his head, mumbling that it was a ‘stupid fucking idea’ and that everyone could go fuck themselves but then the ringing stopped and so did Zayn’s breath. Niall didn’t say anything but Zayn could hear him breathing and he knew he needed to say something. So many things rushed to the forefront of his mind and it was hard not to spill everything right at that moment but he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“Hey,” he said, masked underneath a heavy sigh.

“Hi,” Niall said back, equally as meek and quiet.

“I – can we – I need to –,” Zayn tried but all of the words were still fumbling together in his mind.

“We can talk,” Niall said, still understanding Zayn without him having to form a coherent sentence.

“Can I – can I see you?” Zayn sputtered, “I need to see you.”

“Ok,” Niall said quietly and Zayn could just imagine him nodding his little blonde head as he folded around himself.

“Harry’s,” Zayn said, “He’s going over to Lou’s soon. I can make something or – have you eaten? Do you want food?”

“Well you and I both know you can’t cook for shit,” Niall joked and Zayn almost wanted to cry at how easy it was for Niall to make him feel comfortable within an instant.

“How about some beers then? And a j? Maybe a cig?” Zayn suggested nervously.

“Sounds good,” Niall said and Zayn pictured another nod.

“Ok,” Zayn said with a small smile. “I’ll see you soon.”

“See you soon,” Niall echoed and then the conversation was over.

Zayn closed his eyes and let out a breath as he sank back into the couch and tried to gather himself for what was to come. By the time he went out and came back in from smoking a cigarette, Harry was out of the shower and back in his bedroom.

Zayn did his best to not panic until Harry had knocked on the door to get his attention and tell him he was on his way out. He wished Zayn luck and told him not to worry and then he was gone and Zayn could feel the pressure on his seams.

Zayn sank to the shower floor and wrapped his arms around himself as he cried and the shower washed his tears down the drain. He was seeing Niall soon. For the first time in weeks. And he was going to tell him that he cheated on him. Part of him wished that he’d just blurted it over the phone but he knew deep down that Niall deserved better than that. Niall deserved better than him.

When he finally got out of the shower and started to get dressed and do his hair, Zayn rationalized that however things went that night, it would be for the best. If Niall took him back, that’d be ok; good, even. But if Niall wanted nothing to do with him, he deserved it. For all the shit he’d put them through, for all the times he’d broken Niall’s heart. If Niall really wanted this to be the end, then Zayn wasn’t going to fight it because he knew it was his fault.

So he braced himself once again as he grabbed two beers from the fridge, rolled a joint, and sat on the couch to wait for his impending fate.

***

“Coming,” Louis called after Harry knocked on the front door and Harry couldn’t help the fond smile that broke onto his lips.

“Haz?” Louis asked when he opened the door. He had a pink mark on the side of his face from where Harry assumed he’d been sleeping and he looked comfortable. He was wearing an old shirt from uni with sweatpants, a beanie, and his big glasses.

“Hi,” Harry said with a small smile.

Louis quirked his head and put a hand on his hip before he moved to let Harry inside.

“Did you just wake up?” Harry asked as he made his way into their old flat and took a seat on one of the couches.

“Yeah, uh, I did. Um, not to be like crass or anything but what are you doing here, Haz? It’s just I haven’t heard from you in days and I assumed-,” Louis drifted off.

“We needed to talk,” Harry said.

“Oh that’s always fun,” Louis snarked as he covered himself with his blanket and took off his glasses.

“So I’m going to be really candid and honest here, Louis, and I need you to not make fun of me. Or get defensive. Or angry. I just need you to listen to me and then you can say or do whatever you want with it but I just need you to hear me out first,” Harry started.

“Oh Jesus,” Louis sighed as he rolled his eyes.

“Louis,” Harry breathed in frustration.

“Ok,” Louis huffed back, just as irritated, “Let’s hear it.”

Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I love you. I love you so much, more than anyone or anything. You are who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It’s always been you. Even when I messed up, even when I wasn’t physically _here_. It was always you.”

“Haz-,” Louis tried but Harry kept going.

“And I know you need time. I know you aren’t ready to jump right back into how things were. I get it, Louis, and I’m willing to wait as long as I have to. But I can only do that if you can assure me that there’s a reason to. That there’s hope for you and I. That we can and we _will_ try again one day. If you can assure me that we’ll let go of all the shit that’s happened these past two years and do this _right_. That we’ll both give this a real try because it’s what we both really want,” Harry finished.

Louis took a deep breath and leaned back into the couch and Harry mirrored the action.

Louis shook his head and put his head in his hands and Harry could tell that we was on the brink of tears.

“Louis,” Harry breathed quietly.

“I love you too,” was all Louis responded with.

“Then why are you upset?” Harry asked.

“Because I _do_ want this Harry. Do you know how much, how long, I’ve waited and prayed that you’d say those words to me one day? That I was the one that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?”

“I’ve always wanted it, Lou-“

“But then you had sex with Nick. And you left me. You destroyed _everything_. I thought when we got together when you were 16 and I was 18, that this was it. And I know that wasn’t fair to either of us. That this robbed us of getting to meet other people, trying new things, all that shit that people love about being young and going off to uni. But I thought that it was worth it. I thought that me having you and you having me, beat that. That not worrying about finding someone to love me and you finding someone to love you was worth giving all that up before we even had a chance at it because that’s how much I loved you, Harry. I would have given up everything and more for you. God, part of the eating shit was because I just wanted to be perfect for _you_ , Harry. Because I thought _you_ were perfect and that I didn’t deserve you. I was literally dying for you. And maybe that wasn’t fair to you either, for me to put you on such a high pedestal but – God, I tried so hard to convince myself that you wanted it as badly as I did. And I almost believed it too but then Nick happened. And everything else last year happened and we can’t just pretend that it didn’t, Harry, because it did. It took me years to get to a point where I could trust you with everything in me but it only took you a few days to ruin me. I can’t just go back to how things were even if I wanted to, Haz,” Louis shook his head.

“And I’m so sorry for that, Louis. I am. The worst part of all of this wasn’t being alone; it was hurting you the way that I did. I wish I could take it back, Louis. I really do. But I promise you that I’ll be better this time. That I won’t run away, I won’t lie. That I’ll remind you why you fell in love with me and why you wanted to trust me and I’ll make it so worth your while, Louis. I promise you. I know my words may not hold much weight to you anymore, but I really do promise you that I want this and that I will give this everything I have in me to make it work,” Harry assured him as his own eyes started to fill.

Louis opened his mouth to speak but Harry took a deep breath and stopped him before he could. “But before you say anything, I have to tell you something because I don’t want to go into this with any skeletons in the closet.”

“Oh God,” Louis breathed, bracing himself for whatever shitty thing Harry was about to say.

“The last night that I saw you – the night that you turned me down – Zayn and I had sex. I was really upset with you and he was really upset with Niall and we were both stupid and high and hopeless and there’s no excuse for it, I know, but it happened. But it only made me realize how much I can’t be with anyone that’s not you, Louis. I know it doesn’t help prove my case that I’m committed to the cause but I mean it now. I’m ready now,” Harry pled.

Louis didn’t say anything for what seemed like an eternity. He didn’t look at Harry and Harry stopped looking at him. “You’re right,” was all he said when he finally spoke. “This doesn’t help prove that you’re committed to the cause.”

Harry was about to say something but Louis continued, “But I’m done fighting this. I’m done pushing everything down and trying to convince you and myself that I don’t want you because it’s complete and utter shit. I love you, Harry Styles and I want you back in my life.”

Harry couldn’t help the tears that broke through at Louis’s words. “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that.”

“I want you to come home,” Louis continued, “And if we like how things are going, we’ll take the next step. We’ll do this one step at a time but we’ll do it.”

“I love you so much, Louis Tomlinson,” Harry declared as he got up from the couch and scooped Louis up into his arms.

Louis buried his face in Harry’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around his neck. “I love you so much too, Harry Styles. Please don’t fuck things up this time,” Louis mumbled into his skin.

“I promise,” Harry sniffed as he buried his own face in Louis’s shoulder, “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“I love you,” Louis repeated and everything in Harry fluttered to hear those words coming from Louis’s mouth knowing that he’d never have to go without hearing them or feeling the high that came from them for the rest of his life after tonight.

***

There was nothing Zayn could do to settle his nerves as he waited. He tried turning the telly on but turned it back off almost immediately. He paced, trying to take slow deep breaths and ended up on Harry’s patio smoking his way through half a pack of cigarettes.

After 30 minutes he’d started to doubt that Niall was even going to show. After 45 minutes and the rest of the pack, Zayn hung his head. And then Zayn heard it.

“Hi.” Zayn lifted his head.

He was here. Niall was really here.

Zayn couldn’t tell if his inability to catch his breath and lightheadedness was from the fact that he was seeing Niall for the first time in weeks or from the entire pack of cigarettes he’d just smoked. Either way, he was sure he was on the verge of fainting at any given moment so he kept his seat on the ground.

“Hi,” Zayn whispered, his voice already breaking.

Niall crouched down, taking a seat beside him before he pulled something out of his pocket and set it down in front of Zayn. It was the pack of cigarettes Zayn had given him the day he’d left. Niall had held on to it all this time. It had considerably less cigarettes in it than when Zayn had given it to him and it made Zayn’s stomach sink to know that Niall had been smoking because of him.

“You kept it,” Zayn said, his lips set in a gentle smile though his eyes were wet.

“I did,” Niall nodded.

It was quiet between them for a few moments after that. There was so much that they both wanted to say, _needed_ to say but they didn’t know how. They didn’t know if they still could.

But then Zayn’s tears were breaking through and his head was down in his hands. Then Niall was pulling Zayn into his chest and the words started coming out soon after.

“I missed you”

“I’m so sorry”

“I need you back”

“Please”

Zayn looked up into Niall’s eyes. He wasn’t crying and Zayn was thankful for that but he could see the glisten in Niall’s eyes already starting to form.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Zayn cried into Niall’s shoulder.

“I wasn’t the one that left,” Niall reminded him as he rubbed his hand up and down Zayn’s back and rested his cheek on his head.

“I wish I could take it back, Niall. I really wish that I could take it all back,” Zayn sobbed.

“And I wish that I could take it all back too, babe. I really do, but we can’t change what’s already happened. The only thing we can change is where we go from here,” Niall told him earnestly.

“And where is that?” Zayn asked him.

“I don’t know,” Niall said honestly, “But being apart isn’t it.”

“It’s not,” Zayn agreed.

“It broke my heart when I looked through the glass and saw you with your head on your knees, Zayn. It really did. And it breaks my heart to think that’s probably happened dozens of times when I wasn’t here to hold you and be there for you,” Niall admitted and it made Zayn bury his face even farther into Niall’s shoulder.

“My heart’s been breaking too,” was all Zayn could respond with.

“And I’m so sorry for that, Zayn. For everything; for Ellie, the baby. Everything. I’m so, so sorry, Zayn,” Niall apologized.

“And I’m sorry for leaving you when you needed me,” Zayn apologized, “I know I should’ve been there. Knew it as soon as I packed up and went to Canvey Island but I was selfish. And scared. And a stupid bastard. And I’m so sorry for that Niall; for not being there when you needed me and not being the husband you deserve.”

“You’re more than I deserve, Zayn,” Niall said, staring deeply into Zayn’s eyes until the guilt made Zayn look away.

“No, that’s not true,” Zayn shook his head as his tears resurfaced and he moved away from Niall.

“Yes it is,” Niall argued but Zayn only continued to shake his head. “Why would you say that?”

Zayn didn’t respond. He just shook his head in disagreement as his tears rolled down his cheeks until he sank his head back down on top of his knees and made himself look as small and vulnerable as he had when Niall had first seen him.

“Don’t cry, Zayn,” Niall cooed as he tried to move closer and stretch a hand to rub on Zayn’s back but Zayn flinched away as if Niall had struck him instead.

“I cheated,” Zayn finally mumbled into his knees, barely audible.

“What?” Niall asked, not understanding what Zayn had just said.

“I cheated,” Zayn whispered with a sniffle.

“You-,” Niall cut himself off and sat back on his heels, immediately moving his thumb to his mouth to bite on his nail.

“The second night that I was here, I had sex with Harry. I was upset. We were both high and I was mad and- it was stupid. I left to go to my mom’s right after because I felt like such shit and then I called you when I got back because I couldn’t- I don’t know,” Zayn tried to explain but his thoughts were jumbled and his words were coming out just as quickly as they managed to pop into his head.

“You and Harry,” Niall breathed, reaching for a cigarette.

“I’m so sorry, Niall,” Zayn said as Niall sparked it up.

“I’m gonna go grab that j and those beers off the table. You want something from the kitchen?” Niall asked as he stood up and wiped his hands on his jeans before he took the cigarette out of his mouth and let out a puff of smoke.

“No?” Zayn said, confused by Niall’s stoic state.

Niall just shrugged before he slid the glass door open and slipped inside. Zayn watched as Niall ashed his cigarette on the top of Harry’s couch before he grabbed both the beers and the joint and returned outside.

He offered the cigarette he was smoking to Zayn and Zayn accepted it hesitantly as Niall put the joint in his mouth and lit it. They didn’t speak for a few minutes; Niall smoked the joint and Zayn finished his cigarette. Niall stared out at the complex in front of them and Zayn watched him in confusion and awe.

It wasn’t until the joint was halfway gone that Niall offered it up to Zayn. Zayn took the joint as cautiously as he’d taken the cigarette and held on to it while Niall took a long draw from one of the beers. Neither of them spoke as they waited for Zayn to finish his hit before he passed it back to Niall and the silence continued for the duration of the joint and the cigarettes they smoked afterwards.

“Can you please just say something?” Zayn sighed after Niall finished his beer and he still hadn’t spoken.

“What do you want me to say?” Niall deadpanned.

“Something. Anything. I haven’t seen you or heard your voice in weeks and now you’re here but you’re still not really _here_ ,” Zayn frowned.

“Are _you_?” Niall retorted as he took a draw from what was supposed to be Zayn’s beer.

“Am I what?” Zayn asked in confusion.

“Are you ‘here’? Have you been? Have you _ever_ been?” Niall pressed.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Zayn frowned again, his voice laced with annoyance.

“What do you want, Zayn?” Niall asked tiredly. Zayn gaped at him and Niall attempted to elaborate. “I mean what do you _really_ want? Because I’m not sure anymore. You pull me in, then you push me away. You say you’re in this for the long haul and then you leave the second that I’m not looking. You rub my face in the dirt all the time about how I used to cheat on my girlfriends and then you cheat on me the first chance you get. I just don’t know with you anymore, Zayn. This isn’t the fun, have-sex-on-stage-in-a-nightclub-in-Amsterdam or have-a-threesome-with-some-random kind of unpredictable. This is the kind of unpredictable that makes me question how much of a shit you actually give about me and giving this marriage a real shot.”

Zayn swallowed and looked away. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know _what_?” Niall questioned.

“I don’t _know_ , Niall,” Zayn repeated frustratedly. “I-,” he let out a hard sigh, “I want you. I want us. But not like this. Not with Ellie in our house and – I don’t want that.”

“Zayn, we’ve been through this,” Niall shook his head in resignation.

“I know that,” Zayn huffed. “You’re the one that asked. You’re the one that’s always asking and I say the same thing every time but she’s still in our space, Ni. My space. And I don’t want her there. I don’t want to be there as long as she’s there.”

“Could you just-,” Niall grimaced, “Look I know it sucks but I can’t just kick her out, Zayn. She’s having my daughter for Christ’s sake. I can’t just boot her out onto the street, no matter how much you want me to.” He took a deep breath. “Please. Could you just compromise? Don’t do it for her; do it for me. For us.”

“And what does the compromise entail?” Zayn inquired.

“It entails you coming home. Being civil to Ellie. Being there for me. Not sleeping with other boys. Not fighting me every step of the way. Giving this and us and Ellie and the baby an actual chance before you write everything off,” Niall suggested lightly, rubbing his thumb on Zayn’s kneecap.

“It’s not that easy, Niall,” Zayn said quietly, shaking his head.

“But I promise you it’s not as hard as you think it is either,” Niall replied. “Please, Zayn. Even if you don’t come home tonight or tomorrow, just promise me you’ll at least think about it.”

It was quiet between them for a few moments before Zayn finally responded.

“Ok,” He whispered with a small nod.

“Ok?” Niall echoed.

“I’ll think about it,” Zayn clarified and Niall gave him a small smile.

“I love you,” Niall said quietly as he gave Zayn a pat on his shoulder and leaned in to press a kiss to his forehead.

“I love you too,” Zayn whispered, melting under the feeling of Niall’s lips on his skin again.

Even though they both knew the war was still brewing around them, they were both glad that the battle between them was finally over and that they would be back on the same team once again, where they belonged.


	10. House of Cards

For the first time since Zayn left, Niall woke up the next morning feeling like maybe things were going to be ok. Zayn still wasn’t here. Ellie _was_ still here and she was still pregnant. But things were starting to look up. Things weren’t perfect right now but that didn’t mean that they were going to stay that way forever.

His newfound calm obviously radiated all the way to his exterior because Liam gave him a genuinely proud smile when he came out of his room to get some juice.

“I take it things went well last night then?” Liam asked, following Niall’s trail into the kitchen.

“Yeah,” Niall said, placing his palms on the counter behind him. A brief memory of Zayn sucking him off on top of it washed over him and he swallowed, licking his lips as he turned and rested against it. “Yeah things, went ok.”

“Well that’s good then,” Liam smiled. “That’s really good.”

Niall shrugged, “It’s a start, I guess.”

Liam peeled his eyes at Niall and studied him for a moment, “Why don’t you seem more-“

“More what?” Niall asked.

“I don’t know,” Liam shrugged. “Happy? You seem relieved. But not happy.”

Niall looked down and went quite for a moment before he finally responded. “He had sex with Harry,” he said quietly.

“What?” Liam gaped in disbelief. “Niall I-“

Niall shook his head and shrugged.

“Are you ok?” Liam asked earnestly.

“I guess,” Niall shrugged. “I- I don’t know how I feel. I haven’t known how I felt since all of this started. It’s all just-,” he shook his head, “fucked.”

“I’m sorry,” Liam said quietly.

“At least we’re talking,” Niall shrugged. “It’s not much but it’s something.”

“Yeah,” Liam nodded. “It’s a good place to start. And at least he told you. That’s big. That’s good.”

Niall shrugged again, “I guess.”

“Hang in there, ok?” Liam walked over and gave him a hug. “Things are hard right now but I promise they’re gonna look up soon.  And look on the bright side; at least Harry’s not the love of his life so you don’t have to worry about Zayn leaving you for him.”

“God why are we all so fucked up?” Niall let out a pitiful laugh and Liam couldn’t help but smile and join in.

“Morning,” Ellie greeted them as she came into the kitchen.

“Morning,” the boys echoed to her in unison.

Ellie’s eyes caught Niall’s and she studied him for a moment before she gave him a small smile and he smiled back at her.

“Who’s hungry?” Liam asked, cutting their moment off.

“Me. I’m ravished,” Ellie rubbed a hand over her stomach and Niall gave her once last glance before he turned his attention to Liam.

“Me too,” he agreed. “ ‘m starving.”

“How’s pancakes and sausage sound?” Liam suggested.

“Amazing,” Ellie smiled as she walked to the fridge to take out some juice.

Niall took a look around the kitchen and couldn’t contain the grin that spread onto his face until his phone started buzzing in the pocket of his joggers. He quickly went through the sliding doors to the back patio before he took his phone out and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi baby,” Maura cooed and he closed his eyes. He’d forgotten how soothing the sound of his mother’s voice was.

“Mum,” Niall said quietly.

“So me and your Dad were thinking,” his mum started and Niall braced himself for whatever she was going to say next.

“Yeah?”

“We want to come visit you. We haven’t heard much from you since you told us the news and we want to check in and see how you are,” his mum said.

“Uh,” Niall stammered, now fully awake from his blissful state. “Mum.”

“We miss you, Niall. We just want to make sure that you’re ok,” she told him and Niall’s heart swelled.

“ ‘M ok, Mum. I’m fine,” Niall assured her.

“Niall, you’re going to be a dad soon. There’s no way you’re just ‘fine’. Have you started preparing at all? Getting a room ready for the baby? Buying clothes and diapers? Stocking up? Is the mum-to-be going to have a shower?” His mum started with the questions and it made Niall have to take a seat.

“Uh- I-,” Niall stammered. “We- I don’t know. We’ve just been taking things one day at a time for now.” Niall realized that with all of the time he’d spent worrying about Zayn, he’d forgotten the whole reason that they were in this situation in the first place. He hadn’t even thought about what was going to happen when the baby was actually born. He didn’t know about Ellie, but he’d done absolutely nothing to prepare.

“Niall you can’t just take things ‘one day at a time’ when you’ve got a baby on the way. You’ve got to plan ahead. The baby could come at any time now,” His mother scolded him.

“Mum, she’s barely 7 months,” Niall told her.

“ ‘Barely 7 months’,” his mum echoed in disbelief. “Niall you have so much to do!”

“Mum,” Niall sighed.

“We’re coming down first thing tomorrow,” His mum declared.

“Mum, you really don’t have to-“ Niall tried but his mum cut him off.

“We want to, Niall,” His mum insisted. “For all we know, this could be our last grandbaby and we’ve already missed so much. We want to help. We want to be involved.”

“Ok,” Niall conceded. A pang of guilt hit his chest because she was right. As screwed up as the situation had been for him, Zayn, and Ellie, he’d forgotten the toll that it took on the rest of their families as well.

“I’m excited to see you, Niall. I miss you,” His mum told him again.

“I miss you too,” Niall said, resting his head against the wooden railing of the patio.

“I love you, Niall. I’ll see you tomorrow,” She said and Niall closed his eyes.

“Love you too, Mum. See you tomorrow.”

 

“Was that the husband ringing already?” Liam asked with a smirk as Niall came back into the kitchen and shut the glass door behind him.

“No,” Niall deadpanned. “It was my mum.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” Ellie smiled.

“Her and my Dad are coming tomorrow,” Niall told them.

“You don’t sound too pumped about it,” Liam commented.

“How could I be?” Niall asked. “I mean I’m glad that I’ll get to see them but not with things like this,” Niall motioned around the room.

“I’m gonna go … have a wee,” Ellie excused herself, assuming she probably shouldn’t stick around for the conversation that was about to ensue.

“You seemed satisfied enough before,” Liam said, watching as Ellie left down the hall.

“Yeah but that was _before_ ,” Niall countered. “How am I supposed to explain Zayn not being here? And you sleeping on my couch?”

“Have you not told them already?” Liam asked.

“No,” Niall frowned.

“Oh no, Niall,” Liam sighed. “Well what _do_ they know?”

“The last time we talked was the day before Ellie moved in. They know that she’s here. They know that she’s pregnant. But they don’t know about Zayn,” Niall explained.

“So why not just tell them?” Liam asked like it was just that simple.

“I can’t,” Niall whined.

“Why not?” Liam pressed.

“Because it’s just a conversation that I really don’t want to have, Liam. Things are really complicated and I don’t want them thinking the wrong things or getting the wrong ideas,” Niall said.

“Niall, what the hell are you on about?” Liam asked as he took the pancakes from the oven.

“I just don’t want them picking out wedding dresses for Ellie because they think Zayn and I are done. Just- there are some things that they’re better off not knowing about.”

“So what exactly is your plan then?” Liam asked.

“I don’t know but I’ll figure something out,” Niall declared. “I have to.”

 

Harry didn’t get back to his own flat until midday and Zayn could tell from the sway in his walk and the cheeky grin on his lips that things had gone ok with Louis the night before.

“Aw look who decided to come around,” Zayn joked as Harry came into the door and plopped down on the couch beside him. “Good night?”

“Really good,” Harry smirked. “How’d things go with Niall?”

“Not as good as things went for you,” Zayn chuckled, “But they went alright. We talked things out. We’re going to try to work everything out.”

“Good,” Harry smiled and nodded. “That’s good. I’m happy for you.”

“I’m happy for you too,” Zayn smiled.

“So everything went ok then when you told him about,” Harry trailed off and Zayn grimaced and shrugged.

“I don’t think there was any way that part of the conversation could have gone ‘ok’ but he didn’t blow up or anything. It was weird. I told him and he just didn’t talk for a while and then he came inside to grab some beers and a joint. We didn’t really talk about it,” Zayn said and Harry raised his brow.

“You didn’t talk about it?” Harry echoed.

“Well he didn’t want to talk about it and obviously I didn’t either,” Zayn said defensively. “Why should we if neither of us wants to?”

“Oh God,” Harry sighed as he shook his head and got off of the couch to go into the kitchen.

“What?” Zayn whined from the couch.

“Zayn, you’re supposed to learn things when you fuck up,” Harry said.

“Ok?”

“Not talking about stuff is exactly what landed you where you are right now,” Harry told him and Zayn glared at him in response.

“That is not what got me here, Harry, and you fucking know that,” Zayn grimaced.

“Ok, Zayn. Whatever,” Harry sighed in resignation and took a draw from his beer. “So does this mean you’re going back home?”

“I’m not ready,” Zayn turned back around on the couch.

“What does that mean?” Harry asked.

“It means that we’re a work in progress, Harry. I don’t want to just jump back into things, especially not with how they are right now,” Zayn explained.

“It’s a bit late for not jumping straight in, innit?” Harry let out a little laugh.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Zayn frowned.

“Well in case you forgot, you two are married. It’s not like you just broke off some summer fling. You two have known each other for years and have been through hell. You’re already in pretty deep, my friend,” Harry gave him a pat on the shoulder and sat back down on the couch.

“Could say the same about you and Lou except for the married bit,” Zayn muttered.

“Yeah, you could,” Harry deadpanned. “And that’s why I never stopped trying.”

“Well when are you gonna put a ring on it then, Styles?” Zayn questioned. “Since you’re all about ‘the long haul’ and eternal love now.”

“I’d marry him tomorrow if it were up to me,” Harry said seriously. “But he wants to take it slow; start things over.”

“But how is that possible?” Zayn asked. “You two have known each other for years and been through hell and back. You’re already in so deep, my friend.”

“Shut up,” Harry shoved his shoulder. “We’re different. We’re not married. We have that option. And we’ve also been apart for a lot longer than you and Niall. There’s no way that we could make it without a clean slate.”

“If you say so,” Zayn smiled and shook his head as his phone started to buzz.

“Niall?” He said to himself in confusion before he answered.

“Hey,” Niall said and Zayn’s heart instantly softened.

“Hi,” Zayn responded and he couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face. Harry rolled his eyes and gagged before he left the living room.

“Can we talk later?” Niall asked and Zayn furrowed his brows in confusion.

“Ok?”

“I mean like in person,” Niall clarified. “Over dinner.”

“Ok,” Zayn repeated.

“It’s nothing bad before you get all anxious,” Niall assured him. “It’s just something that I think we should talk about in person, over food.”

“Ok,” Zayn said again.

“Are you ok?” Niall asked. “Please don’t freak out. It’s nothing bad, I swear.”

“I’m not freaking out,” Zayn said. “I’m just a little nervous because if you can’t tell me now it must be something serious.”

“It’s not bad, Zayn, I promise. I just want to be able to see you when we talk about this. I want us to be in the same space so I can –,” Niall cut himself off.

“So you can what?” Zayn pressed.

“So I can be there for you. Be with you. See you,” Niall said and Zayn’s smile came back.

“I don’t know whether to be nervous or turned on now,” Zayn bit down on his tongue.

“Definitely turned on,” Niall said and Zayn could hear the smirk in his voice.

Zayn smirked and bit down on his lip, “Well where are we going?”

“Anywhere you want,” Niall told him. “I’ll pick you up around 8.”

“Ok, it’s a date,” Zayn smiled.

“It’s a date,” Niall confirmed and they hung up.

“I’m going on a date!” Zayn shouted as he ran down the hall to Harry’s room and jumped into his bed beside him.

“Congratulations,” Harry laughed. “You got a date with your husband! What a pull!”

“Shut up and just be happy for me,” Zayn pushed Harry’s shoulder and Harry shook his head as he laughed.

“I _am_ happy for you, wanker,” Harry rolled his eyes. “I hope you get some. You could use it.”

“Oh shut up,” Zayn hit him again.

“Well it’s true,” Harry shrugged. “You’ve been a bit high-strung lately and I mean I’d fix it for you but-,” Harry cut himself off and they both laughed.

“Never happening again,” Zayn scoffed and Harry stuck out his tongue.

 

As promised, Niall was at Harry’s flat at 8 o’clock on the dot.

“Hubby’s here,” Harry called to Zayn who was messing with his hair in the bathroom. His stomach was fluttering and he couldn’t stop moving. He couldn’t believe he was nervous about going on a date with his own husband but he was. He forced himself to take a deep breath and finally leave the bathroom.

“Have fun,” Harry reminded him with a pat to his shoulder before Zayn pulled on his coat and opened the door.

“Hi,” Zayn smiled and Niall instantly smiled back.

“Hi. Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Zayn nodded and shut the door behind him.

The ride to the Chinese restaurant Zayn picked was relatively silent. It wasn’t a tense, awkward kind of silence but more of a nervous kind of silent. Zayn was still on edge because he didn’t know why Niall was doing this and Niall was on edge because he didn’t know how he was going to do this.

 

Niall opened the door for Zayn to get out of the car and the door for him to go into the restaurant. He also pulled out Zayn’s chair for him to sit in and Zayn couldn’t decide whether he should be flattered or more nervous at Niall’s shows of chivalry.

“You look lovely,” Niall told him with a small smile as his eyes traveled up and down Zayn’s frame from across the table.

“So do you,” Zayn said.

“Thank you for coming to dinner with me, by the way,” Niall continued. “I was kind of scared that you’d say no.”

“I could never,” Zayn responded immediately, shaking his head and Niall gave him an even smaller, nervous smile in response.

Niall opened his mouth to say something but shut it promptly and Zayn looked at him quizzically, trying to figure him out.

“So are you finally going to tell me what you wanted to talk about?” Zayn asked.

Niall opened his mouth and shut it again. He took a deep breath and then tried again. “My parents are coming to town tomorrow.”

“Ok,” Zayn said.

“I haven’t told them about –,” Niall cut himself off.

“About?” Zayn asked, furrowing his brows.

“I didn’t tell them that you left,” Niall said. “And I don’t want to have to.”

“Ok,” Zayn said again.

“I know you said that you needed time before you come home and I get it, I do, but I really don’t want to have to tell them about this, Zayn,” Niall continued.

“What are you saying, Niall?” Zayn asked. The waitress brought out their food and Niall still hadn’t answered so Zayn asked again.

“I – can you please just be there while they’re here. You don’t have to spend the nights since they’re not staying over but – please, Zayn. Can you please just be there?” Niall asked and Zayn closed his eyes shaking his head.

“Niall-,” he started but Niall cut him off.

“I know it’s not the ideal situation, Zayn, and I know that I’m really pushing things but – can you please just do this one thing for me?” Niall asked and Zayn put his head in his hands.

“Niall,” he sighed.

“Please,” Niall said again.

“Do I have a choice?” Zayn asked.

“Of course,” Niall lowered his eyes. “But I really hoped you wouldn’t need one.” He shook his head and let out a puff of air through his nose.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Zayn questioned.

“Nothing,” Niall rolled his eyes and looked away.

“Why are you upset?” Zayn asked.

“I’m not,” Niall took an angry bite of his food.

“I need time, Niall,” Zayn said with a frown and Niall nodded his head and looked away again.

Dinner was quiet after that, this time the tense kind. Zayn felt guilty, like he owed it to Niall to at least do this one small thing but he just didn’t feel ready. He wasn’t ready to just sweep everything under the rug and pretend that the past couple of weeks hadn’t happened. Because they had.

Zayn knew that Niall was probably aggravated deep down but he did his best to keep it deep down until Zayn called him on it when Niall had pulled into Harry’s complex to drop him off.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn said and Niall looked out of the window.

“For what?” He asked, his voice laced with annoyance.

“That things are the way that they are.”

“Well it is what it is, innit?” Niall shrugged.

Zayn looked him up and down again. He reached his hand out to touch Niall’s and Niall finally looked at him.

“I really am sorry, Niall,” Zayn said again, this time looking directly into Niall’s eyes. Niall only nodded but Zayn could see the tears welling in his eyes. “I love you,” he whispered with a squeeze to Niall’s hand and Niall looked out of the window again and sniffed.

“Goodnight, Zayn,” Niall said quietly, his gaze still focused on the window.

Zayn hung his head and nodded, taking his hand from Niall’s as he stepped out of the car and shut the door behind him. He watched Niall for a moment afterwards. He was still focused on the window but he was chewing on his thumbnail now, the way he always did when he was anxious. Zayn stayed a minute longer before he finally turned and started to walk towards Harry’s building. But on his way he looked over his shoulder and found that Niall had finally turned from the window and was watching as Zayn walked away from once again.

They made eye contact and Zayn held his gaze for a moment before he mouthed the words ‘I love you’. Niall only nodded again and started the ignition of the car.

 

“You’re home early,” Harry said in confusion as Zayn opened the flat door. He shut it behind him but rested his back against it after, his hands still on the knob. “You ok?”

“Niall’s parents are coming tomorrow,” Zayn told him.

“Aw I love Bobby and Maura,” Harry smiled but it dropped when he saw that Zayn wasn’t smiling back at him. “This is a bad thing?”

“He didn’t tell them that I left,” Zayn said and Harry furrowed his brows. “He asked me to come home so that he wouldn’t have to tell them.”

“And what did you say?” Harry inquired.

“I can’t do it, Harry,” Zayn shook his head as he sank down against the door and rested his forehead against his palms.

“Oh, Zayn,” Harry breathed from the couch.

“I know that I should, that I owe it to him but I just- I can’t,” Zayn shook his head.

“You can’t or you don’t want to?” Harry questioned.

“What?” Zayn retorted.

“Nothing,” Harry shook his head. “Just – maybe you should think about it.”

“Harry, I-.” Zayn started but Harry cut him off.

“I know that it’s hard, Zayn,” Harry told him. “But you should at least try. For him.”

“And what if it all goes to shit?” Zayn countered.

“Isn’t it already?” Harry asked. “Honestly, what have you got to lose for trying at this point, Zayn? The only thing that I can think of is Niall and I’m pretty sure you’re more likely to lose him if you don’t try than if you do.”

“But what if I fuck up?” Zayn asked, “What if I can’t just pretend that everything’s fine and ok and like these past few weeks haven’t happened?”

“Then at least you can say that you tried,” Harry told him.

 

Niall’s heart sank the next morning when he heard the knocking at his door. He knew that the chances that Zayn would agree to come home were slim but he still couldn’t help the pang of disappointment in his chest. His parents were earlier than expected so he hadn’t exactly figured out what he was going to say to explain Zayn’s absence but his time had run out once again. He took a deep breath and braced himself as he walked to the door.

“Hey m-,” He started as he opened the door and cut himself when he saw who was on the other side.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Niall said back, the tears already starting to well up in his eyes. “You came.”

“I came,” Zayn said back, his eyes equally as wet.

Niall let out a little breath and immediately pulled Zayn in for a deep embrace, burying his face in Zayn’s shoulder and taking him all in. “Thank you.”

“I couldn’t let you do this alone,” Zayn said, rubbing his hand up and down Niall’s back.

“Thank you,” Niall breathed into Zayn’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

Zayn nodded and pulled away. He shoved his hands into his back pockets and looked around at the flat. Everything still looked the same as it had when he’d left but it still felt different. The air wasn’t as angsty as it had been before but it wasn’t exactly comfortable either.

“Well my parents aren’t here yet,” Niall said, drawing back Zayn’s attention. “I’m not really sure what time they’ll be in but I can ask and let you know if you want.”

Zayn shrugged and looked around the flat again, “I think I’m gonna go have a smoke.”

“Want a beer?” Niall offered and Zayn chuckled.

“Nah, I’m ok,” Zayn declined with a smile and walked past Niall to go out onto the patio.

Niall let out a deep breath as Zayn slid the door shut behind him and he couldn’t help but to watch him through the window. He didn’t realize how much he’d felt like a part of him had been missing until Zayn was standing right in front of him again. He watched as Zayn pulled a cigarette from the pack in his jacket pocket and slid it into his mouth before lighting it. He leaned over the railing and the smoke he exhaled curled into a little cloud in front of him. He was truly a work of art.

Niall finally tore his gaze from Zayn to ring up his mum and he let out another sigh as the phone dialed and rang.

“Good morning, Sunshine,” Maura greeted him and it brought a small smile to Niall’s face.

“Good morning, Mum,” Niall replied. “What time do you guys think you’ll be here?”

“Excited to see us, yeah?” Maura asked and Niall laughed.

“Of course, Mum,” Niall told her.

“Well we should be there around one. We might stop to get something to eat, shop around a bit maybe? Or maybe Ellie could come with us? Maybe all of you could come with us and we can spend the afternoon baby shopping!” His mum suggested in excitement and Niall wished that he could have felt the same level of happiness but he knew there was no way Zayn would agree to an afternoon with Ellie.

“Oh no, Mum. I wish, but Zayn’s feeling a bit under the weather. I can ask Ellie though,” Niall said.

“Well just you and Ellie then?” Maura asked. “I would really love to meet her and get things for the baby.”

“Yeah, Mum,” Niall agreed.

“Well we’ll see you at one then,” Maura told him. They exchanged ‘I love you’s’ before they hung up and Niall went out onto the patio.

Zayn glanced at Niall behind him before he took one last drag from his cigarette and ashed it.

“So?” He asked.

“They’ll be here at one,” Niall told him.

“Ok,” Zayn nodded.

“They want to go out,” Niall continued and Zayn furrowed his brows. “They want to take the three of us out; me, you, and Ellie.”

“Niall,” Zayn started but Niall cut him off.

“I know. I told them you were sick,” Niall interjected.

Zayn looked him up and down for a moment before he turned away again and sat down against the back wall of the flat.

“I just- I want you to know that I really do appreciate you being here, Zayn. I know that this is a big deal for you so I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to do,” Niall told him and Zayn looked up at him with a frown.

“I really don’t want to go,” Zayn admitted quietly.

“You don’t have to,” Niall assured him.

Zayn looked down and away and Niall went to sit beside him against the wall. He reached his hand out to Zayn’s hesitantly. Zayn looked down and back up into Niall’s eyes and took it, brushing his thumb softly over Niall’s knuckles.

 “You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do,” Niall repeated. “Just having you here again is enough for me.”

Zayn held Niall’s gaze for a moment before he let out a sigh and rested his head on Niall’s shoulder, giving his hand a light squeeze. “I missed you,” he admitted softly.

“I missed you, too,” Niall conceded and gave Zayn’s hand another squeeze.

Zayn turned his head to look up into Niall’s eyes and Niall looked back down into Zayn’s. Zayn nosed softly at Niall’s jaw and Niall furrowed his brows and continued to run his thumb over the soft skin of Zayn’s hand. Zayn gave Niall a light peck at his jaw and Niall lowered his angle to catch Zayn’s lips against his.

The kiss was soft and innocent. It was unlike any other they’d shared in a very long time. There was still a lot of things they felt it was too soon to tackle again just yet but the kiss served as a promise of hope. The promise of a new beginning.

“What now?” Zayn asked, resting his head on Niall’s shoulder again.

“What do you want to do?” Niall asked. 

Zayn looked up at him and smiled. He leaned in to give Niall another kiss and Niall couldn’t help but to smile too.

“That works for me too,” he said and they both laughed.

“Tea and toast?” Zayn suggested and Niall’s eyes brightened with his smile.

“Tea and toast,” he confirmed. He stood and reached his hands out to help Zayn up.

“Get it ready? I think I’m gonna change,” Zayn suggested and Niall nodded. He followed Zayn back inside and watched as he walked down the hall to their bedroom.

 

Zayn paused in the threshold of their room for a moment to take everything in before he finally stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. The hole he’d punched in the wall the night Niall told him about Ellie was still there. The sticky notes that they’d written for each other when they were engaged weren’t. His side was neat and unlived in, a stark contrast to Niall’s messy side of the room.

 Zayn took a deep breath and walked to sit on their unmade bed. His pillow was cold but he could see the indentions of where Niall had held onto it at night. He buried his nose into Niall’s side of the sheets and breathed the smell of his husband in. It felt like he was breathing fresh air for the first time in weeks. It made Zayn anxious but it felt so good to be here, to be with Niall again.

 

“Ellie?” Niall asked quietly as he knocked and opened the door to his old room.

“Hi,” Ellie said back hesitantly.

“How’re you doing?” Niall asked.

“I’m ok,” She nodded. “Bit hungry.”

“Do you want something? Liam’s not here but I can make you something if you want,” Niall offered.

Ellie shook her head, “No, that’s ok. I think I’m just gonna stay under the radar for the next few days.”

“What do you mean?” Niall asked.

“Zayn’s here,” Ellie said. “And your parents are coming. This is a really big time for you. I don’t want to ruin this for you. You deserve for this to be good. So don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok.”

“My parents want to meet you, Ellie,” Niall told her and Ellie’s eyes widened. “They want to take you out for lunch and shopping for the baby.”

“Oh my God,” Ellie blushed and rested her head in her hands. “Oh my God.”

“Don’t worry, El,” Niall soothed her with a hand on her shoulder.

“How could I not worry, Niall? I’m meeting your parents. As your baby mama. We’re not even together. They must think I’m some homewrecking slag.”

“They don’t think you’re a ‘homewrecking slag’, Ellie,” Niall laughed. “They’re excited to meet you. They’re nice people. I promise they don’t bite.”

“What about, Zayn?” she asked and Niall swallowed.

“He doesn’t bite either,” Niall said.

“Is he coming too?” She asked.

“I don’t know. I’m going to let him decide what he’s comfortable with for now,” Niall explained and Ellie frowned and looked away. “What?”

“Nothing,” Ellie swallowed and looked down at her nails.

“What is it?” Niall pressed.

“This is all just so much,” Ellie frowned, her cheeks turning a dark crimson. “I just- I don’t know if I can take on being with your parents and Zayn and-,” she trailed off and glanced at Niall before looking down again.

“Well Zayn doesn’t really want to go either so he probably won’t come,” Niall told her. He was quiet for a moment before he looked at Ellie and waited for her to look back at him. “Look this hasn’t been easy for any of us but I know that it’s probably been really hard on you. You’re not – just know that you’re not in this alone, Ellie. I know I’ve been really focused on my own crap but I’m here. For you and the baby. I mean that.”

“Thank you,” Ellie said, her eyes filling with tears. Niall nodded and leaned in to give her a hug.

“My parents really are excited to meet you, El,” he assured her as he stood and walked to the door. “Don’t be scared.”

“I’ll try,” Ellie gave him a weak smile. Niall nodded and shut the door behind him. He rested his back against it for a moment, his hands still on the knob, as he shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

He walked into the living room to find Zayn lounging with his leg over the back of the couch, hand on his crotch, and his eyes glued to the telly. He looked comfortable and his ease gave Niall just a bit of peace.

Niall couldn’t help but to give Zayn’s leg a little smack as he walked by to fetch the tea and toast from the kitchen. When he came back out to the living room, he set the tea and toast on the table and took a seat on the opposite side of the couch.

Zayn’s eyes flit over to him for a brief second and then they were back on the telly just as quickly. He leaned over to reach for a slice of toast as Niall reached for one of the cups and they caught each other’s eyes again. It was interesting how they’d known each other for so long and were already married, but something as simple as a brief glance could still get the butterflies going in the pits of their stomachs every time.

“You’re so far away,” Zayn commented with a toe to Niall’s shin after a while when the show cut to the ads.

“What do ya mean?” Niall asked. “ ‘m right here. Been right here.”

“Not close enough,” Zayn whispered as he bit down on his lip and lolled his head.

Niall smirked and scooted over on the couch just close enough so that his knee could bump Zayn’s and their arms could brush over each other. Zayn eyed him up and down, biting his lip again and threw his leg over Niall’s lap, his hand still over his crotch.

“What are you doing?” Niall lowered his eyes but couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto his lips.

“I missed you,” Zayn said again quietly, with a small, shy smile.

“I missed you too,” Niall said back.

They held each other’s gazes for a moment longer and then the program was back on. Zayn leaned back onto Niall and Niall wrapped his arms around Zayn’s waist. Zayn fell asleep after a while and eventually Niall stopped paying attention to the telly so that he could watch Zayn sleep instead. He couldn’t believe that there was ever a time that he would have been able to take things like Zayn’s touch or his kisses or Zayn sleeping on top of him for granted.

At some point Niall fell asleep too and it wasn’t until there was another knocking at his door that he woke back up. He was happy to wake up and find that Zayn was still there, still sleeping on top of him like nothing had changed. He took one last second to take it all in before he carefully slid out from beneath Zayn to open the door.

“Niall!” His parents cooed in unison.

“Mum,” Niall smiled as he opened his arms to give his mum a hug and a kiss on her cheek.

“Dad,” Niall said as Maura stepped around him to go into the flat and he gave his dad a hug.

“Mr and Mrs. Horan,” Zayn yawned as he popped his head up over the couch and got up to greet and hug Niall’s parents. Niall couldn’t help the grin that split his face as he watched Zayn with his parents.

“I’m so sorry you can’t come out with us today,” Maura frowned and Zayn looked at Niall over her shoulder.

“Yeah, I am too,” Zayn said, looking back down at her. “I’m just feeling a bit ill, yeah?”

“Well hopefully we can spend some time with you before we leave then, yeah?” Bobby suggested.

“Of course,” Zayn nodded.

“Where is Ellie?” Maura asked, turning to look at Niall.

“In her room,” Niall said, “Let me go get her.” His eyes went over to Zayn’s and Zayn gave him a slight nod before he turned in the direction of the bedrooms. He could hear Zayn making conversation with his parents as he walked down the hall and he took a deep breath to try and relieve his anxiety but it did next to nothing to help.

“El?” he asked as he knocked on the door. “Are you ready?” He could hear her sigh on the other side of the door and opened it. “Ellie? Are you ok?” He could see the tears welling in her eyes again as she looked down and rubbed her hand over her stomach. “El?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be I guess,” she finally responded with a sniff and wiped under her eyes.

Niall swallowed and took another deep breath before he walked over and held out his hand to help her up. She looked up at him and he gave her hand a little squeeze as she took it and slowly got out of the bed. When she was finally standing, Niall wiped his thumb under her eyes and gave her a small kiss on the forehead. “It’s gonna be ok,” he assured her quietly as he walked her to the door. She looked at him one last time before they stepped out of the room and walked down the hall to his parents and Zayn.

“Here she is,” Niall announced hesitantly, his eyes immediately going to Zayn’s before he looked at his parents. “Ellie, this is my mum, Maura, and my dad, Bobby. Mum, Dad this is Ellie and this is our baby girl,” he smiled and pointed excitedly at her belly.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Ellie,” his mum smiled and stepped forward to give her a hug.

“Daughter, is it?” Bobby asked.

“Yeah,” Niall confirmed, his gaze going to Zayn again. He swallowed and looked down at his feet, burying his hands in the pockets of his joggers.

“Have you thought of a name yet?” Maura asked, a hand already on Ellie’s belly.

Ellie had her hands on her back and a small smile on her face and her eyes went to Niall’s. Niall hadn’t thought of any names. “I was thinking Isabella Grace,” Ellie responded, her eyes going to Maura’s. “Izzy or Bella for short. Or maybe Gracie,” Ellie suggested with a small shrug.

“I like that,” Maura smiled and so did Niall.

“Isabella Grace,” Niall repeated.

“Well Miss Isabella Grace, your grandma and grandpa can’t wait to spoil you rotten today,” Maura said to Ellie’s belly and they couldn’t help but to smile.

Niall’s eyes went to Zayn again. His lips were in a smile but it didn’t go all the way up to his eyes the way that it should have. Niall wanted to be happy with everything going on around them but he could tell how hard it was for Zayn.

“Well why don’t we get going then, yeah?” Niall suggested, clapping his hands together. “I’ll meet you guys downstairs?” Ellie, Maura, and Bobby took the hint and smiled as they left.

“Have fun,” Zayn swallowed and gave him a weak smile.

Niall looked at Zayn sadly and went closer to give his hand a little squeeze. “Thank you for being here,” he whispered and gave Zayn a small, soft kiss.

Zayn nodded and shrugged.

“Will you be here when I get back?” Niall asked and Zayn looked down. “Zayn?”

Zayn looked back up at him and gave him another wavering smile, “I’ll try.”

“Ok,” Niall nodded and gave him another kiss before he let Zayn’s hand go and started to back away towards the door.

“Have fun,” Zayn repeated and Niall gave him a small smile.

“You too.”

***

“So how’s it been, Ellie?” Maura asked as she, Ellie, Niall, and Bobby sat around an outside table at an Italian restaurant in town.

“It’s been ok,” Ellie nodded and took a bite of her salad. “It’s definitely different but it’s not that bad. I’m just glad she’s healthy.”

“That’s always good,” Bobby agreed.

“Have the boys been treating you ok?” Maura asked. “Taking care of you?”

Ellie’s eyes went to Niall’s before they went back to Maura and she answered a bit hesitantly, “Yeah, definitely. Niall is really sweet. I hope I can do half as well with Isabella as you guys did with him.”

“I’m sure you guys will do a great job as parents,” Maura assured her. “Although, have you thought about what you all will do when the baby comes? Like as far as living arrangements?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ellie swallowed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear nervously. “I’ve been just trying to get back on my feet after everything right now. It’s hard figuring everything out when I have this big impending, life-changing miracle on the horizon. I know Zayn and Niall probably want their flat back so I’ve been looking around for flats online that aren’t too expensive and not too far.”

“Well have you guys considered houses?” Maura asked. Ellie and Niall shared another glance.

“Well I told you that Zayn and I were looking into getting a bigger place before everything,” Niall answered.

“You’ll need a bigger space when the baby comes. You’ll _want_ a bigger space,” Bobby said.

“Yeah we know, Dad,” Niall nodded.

“And you know you could always find somewhere close to home too,” Maura continued. “Ireland’s a lot cheaper than London and we could help out with the baby while you guys get sorted and figure everything out.” Ellie and Niall shared another look.

“Yeah but then Zayn and I would be so far from the boys and Ellie would be so far from her family,” Niall said.

“I mean I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea,” Ellie said and Niall looked at her. “London is just so expensive and I just- I don’t know if I feel like it’s ‘home’ enough to raise a baby.”

“That’s sure something to consider,” Bobby commented and Maura nodded.

“It is. It’s important you raise your baby somewhere you feel comfortable. And have support,” Maura added.

“And she does,” Niall interjected. “From me, Zayn, and the boys.”

“Yeah but none of you have raised a baby before, Niall. It’s not just eating and putting it to sleep. It’s a lot of work,” Maura said.

“I know that, Mum,” Niall frowned.

“I just think you two are going to need help and we’re so far away,” Maura continued with a frown of her own.

“What about your parents?” Bobby asked Ellie and she looked down.

“Well my mum and dad have been separated for a few years now. My dad is in the United States and my mum lives in Southampton,” she explained.

“So you’re not very close to them either then,” Maura nodded and looked at Niall again.

“I’m sure everything will be fine, Mum,” Niall sighed. “We’re not teenagers.”

“I know, Niall, but this is your first baby.”

“We just want the best for you and the baby,” Bobby explained, frowning at Niall as he rubbed his thumb over Maura’s hand.

“So do we,” Niall said and Ellie nodded. Niall could tell from the look in his mum’s eyes that the conversation wasn’t finished but she let it rest for the rest of their lunch.

The next stop they made was at the baby store where they went through aisle after aisle of cribs, bassinets, strollers, high chairs, toys, diapers and plenty of other baby things Niall hadn’t even known they needed. They all started out together but then Maura and Ellie ended up walking together while Niall and Bobby sat down in the rocking chairs.

“This is so crazy,” Bobby said with a smile and Niall sighed.

“Very,” he agreed.

“She’s pretty,” Bobby commented after a while. “And your mum sure seems to have taken a liking to her.”

“Yeah,” Niall agreed.

“And you?” Bobby asked.

“What do you mean?” Niall asked back.

“I mean how do _you_ feel about her?” Bobby pressed.

“I think she’s a good girl,” Niall nodded as he looked over at Ellie and his mum.

“You think she’ll be a good mum?” Bobby asked.

“I think so,” Niall said. “I can already tell how much she loves the baby. And that’s good; that makes me happy.”

“Have you ever thought about,” Bobby paused. “I don’t know, trying things out with her?”

“Dad,” Niall sighed and shook his head.

“Just a question,” Bobby said calmly.

“I’m married,” Niall frowned.

“Yeah,” Bobby nodded.

“And you wouldn’t be asking me this if it were to a girl, would you?” Niall questioned.

“I think if you were married to a woman you wouldn’t be in this situation,” Bobby said quietly and Niall frowned.

“When is this going to be real to you, Dad?” Niall asked. “What more does it take for you to realize that Zayn and I aren’t just some experiment or fluke?”

“Niall,” Bobby tried but Niall kept going.

“He’s my _husband_. My husband. The love of my life. My soulmate. I’m not- Ellie is great but she’s not Zayn. She’s not what I want. I want Zayn. I love Zayn,” Niall said defensively.

Bobby looked Niall up and down and let out a sigh as he looked over at the girls. “Your mum and I just want you to be happy, Niall.”

“And I _am_ happy,” Niall insisted. Bobby looked him over one more time and let out another sigh before he decided that it was probably just best to drop the subject. Luckily, Maura came over and demanded that they help pick things out so it provided them with a distraction.

***

By the time they’d left the store, they’d gotten the main essentials like a bassinet, a stroller, and a few toys and outfits. Niall was excited and he could tell from Ellie’s glow that she was feeling it too but he couldn’t wait to get back home to Zayn. Part of him was anxious that Zayn might have left again while they were gone and he couldn’t wait any longer to find out so when his parents offered to take him and Ellie to dinner, he politely declined, insisting that it had been such a long day and that he and Ellie needed to rest.

When they got back to Niall’s complex, he and Ellie exchanged goodnight’s and hugs with his parents and they told him that they’d be come back the next day before they went back to Ireland. As soon as they pulled out of the lot, Niall rushed up the stairs to the flat, catching up with Ellie who had started on the stairs before him. He opened the door and much to his surprise, Zayn was still in the flat. He popped his head over the couch to see who was coming in and turned back around when he saw Ellie.

“Hi,” Niall smiled as he went over and sat down beside Zayn on the couch. “You’re still here.”

“I’m still here,” Zayn echoed. “How was it?”

“It was alright,” Niall nodded. “We got a lot of stuff. I’m feeling more ready now, you know?”

Zayn glanced at him and tried for a smile before he looked back at the TV again.

“Are you ok?” Niall asked him softly with a slight squeeze to his knee.

“Yeah,” Zayn nodded and furrowed his brows softly.

“Are you sure?” Niall pressed.

“Yeah,” Zayn, whispered and shook his head. “Just … missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Niall breathed and pressed a soft kiss to Zayn’s hair. “You hungry?”

“Yeah a bit, I guess,” Zayn shrugged.

“Well we could go out if you want,” Niall suggested. “Or I could try to make something.”

“Or we could order in,” Zayn said and Niall smiled softly.

“What, you don’t trust my cooking skills?”

“No,” Zayn laughed. “I’m just in the mood for more Chinese. And a cuddle maybe?”

“I could go for Chinese and a cuddle,” Niall agreed and pulled out his phone to ring the restaurant.

 

And that’s how they spent the rest of their evening. They went out on the patio to smoke a joint and then Zayn smoked a cigarette and the food had arrived by the time they got back inside. They smiled and bumped their knees against each other’s under the table like high school lovers on a date while they ate and then curled around each other on the couch to watch a film. They both fell asleep after a while and Zayn woke up around one when Ellie had stepped out of Niall’s room to use the bathroom.

To his surprise, he didn’t feel as panicked or as scared as he thought he should’ve. It felt right to wake up in Niall’s arms again. Despite everything else going on, it felt like he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made it a New Year's Resolution to finish this fic and White Houses by the end of the year so here's hoping that I stay on track and finish this by the end of 2016!


	11. Dive Too Deep

Niall couldn’t help the smile that broke out onto his face when he woke up the next morning. He was still on the couch but he wasn’t alone. Zayn was still curled around him, his chest on Niall’s and the skin of their stomachs lightly brushing against each other’s with every breath they took. Niall didn’t want to move but he had to use the bathroom so he wasn’t left with much of a choice.

He slipped out carefully from underneath Zayn and turned to make sure that he was still sleeping when he was finally up from the couch. Zayn stirred a bit, his arms flailing slightly in search of Niall’s body and his brows furrowing, but then he turned over onto his side and held onto a pillow.

The flat was quiet as Niall made his way down the hall to the bathroom but when he opened the door, Ellie’s shriek filled the air and he shut the door immediately.

“Jesus fuck,” he mumbled to himself as he rested against the wall and waited for her to finish.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized hastily as Ellie came out of the bathroom slowly.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before,” Ellie shrugged in response. “Plus this fucking belly covers everything anyways. I can’t even see my own two feet anymore.”

“What are you doing up so early?” He asked.

“Same thing as you,” she replied, nodding her head towards the bathroom. “But since you’re already up, maybe we could talk?”

“Ok,” Niall said, a tone of confusion in his voice. “Just let me-“

Ellie nodded and went to wait in her room. When Niall was done he came in and shut the door softly behind him.

“So what did you want to talk about?” he asked.

“Have you thought at all about what your parents said?” Ellie asked. “About moving?”

“God,” Niall muttered under his breath.

“I mean it’s just an idea,” Ellie said. “But it’s a really good one. Your parents are sweet and we could really use the help, Niall.” Niall hated to admit it but she did have a point.

“Ellie, you know it’s not that simple,” Niall sighed.

“I know,” Ellie replied. “But the baby is going to be here in less than two months and we’re nowhere near ready.” ‘ _Ellie 2: Niall 0_ ,’ Niall thought.

“I know,” Niall conceded, “But now’s just not a good time, El,”

“Not a single moment of this has had good timing, Niall,” Ellie countered. “And we don’t have a lot of time left, good or bad.” ‘ _Ellie 3: Niall 0.’_

“Ellie I can’t just get up and move,” Niall said in frustration. “Zayn’s not even officially back in the flat yet.”

Ellie rolled her eyes and let out a harsh sigh in response. “I know it’s not my place,” she started hesitantly and Niall glowered at her. “But this baby is coming whether you and Zayn have patched things up or not. I don’t want to have to do this alone but-“

“Excuse me,” Niall scoffed, cutting her off, and with that all of her points vanished.

“Or maybe we could think about other options,” Ellie suggested.

“Like what?” Niall spat.

“Like adoption,” Ellie said quietly.

“Adoption?” Niall gaped. “Adoption? Have you lost your fucking mind?”

“Niall I was just-“

“No,” Niall cut her off. “God I can’t – how could you even think about saying that to me? You think I went through all of this shit just to give up now? You met my fucking parents for Christ’s sake! I nearly lost my fucking husband! And for what? For you to suggest that we just give our fucking baby up?”

“Calm down,” Ellie demanded. “You don’t have your shit together. Zayn fucking hates me and I doubt he’ll like our baby any better. I’m just trying to do what I think is best for our daughter and right now being with us doesn’t seem like the best situation for her.”

Niall shook his head and bit down on his lip as he got up and walked to the door. “I cannot believe your fucking audacity. You’re really lucky you’re the mother of my child.” And with that he walked through the door and shut it harshly behind him.

“Everything alright?” Zayn asked with a raise of his brow from where he was standing in the doorway of their bedroom.

“What are you doing up?” Niall asked, leaning back against the wall.

“She woke me up,” Zayn said, his voice flat and his lips pursed with annoyance.

“Just baby stuff,” Niall shook his head, trying his best to brush it off.

“Come in here for a second,” Zayn said, walking into their bedroom and taking a seat on the bed. Niall followed him hesitantly and sat down beside him.

“Yeah?” Niall asked.

Zayn let out a deep breath and then looked up at Niall slowly. “I think- I think I want to come home.”

Niall’s jaw dropped and his eyes widened. “Really?” he asked in a soft breath.

“As crappy as everything’s been these past few weeks, being here with you again felt right. I need you and you need me. You’re my missing puzzle piece and I’m yours,” Zayn said with a little laugh and soft punch to the fabric over Niall’s tattoo.

“I love you so much,” Niall said in another breath as he cupped Zayn’s cheeks in his hands and pulled him in for a soft kiss.

“I love you too,” Zayn smiled.

“Well since we’re already up, do you wanna go out for breakfast to celebrate?” Niall suggested as he rested back on the headboard.

Zayn shook his head with a smile, “I’ve got a better idea.”

 

15 minutes later, Zayn came back into the room carrying a tray that held two cups of tea, a pile of toast, and a freshly rolled blunt.

“Tea and toast,” Niall crooned, with a soft smile on his face.

“And weed,” Zayn sing-songed, twisting the blunt between his fingers after he set the tray down on Niall’s lap.

Zayn climbed back into bed and lit the blunt, taking the first hit before passing it over to Niall. They passed it back and forth between them, sharing the occasional soft, slow kiss and shotgun in between bites of toast and sips of tea. When the blunt was done and the food was gone, they curled around each other again, unable to keep the grins off of their faces.

“You know what this reminds me of?” Niall asked.

“What?” Zayn replied.

“When we first got together,” Niall told him. “Before we were married or engaged or even really dating. When we just used to smoke and fuck around and have fun.”

“God, when did it all get so hard?” Zayn shook his head.

“We sure gave Lou and Haz a run for their money for shit-show couple of the year,” Niall laughed.

“Definitely,” Zayn agreed with a chuckle.

“How are they by the way?” Niall asked.

“They’re doing pretty well,” Zayn told him. “Last time Haz and I talked about it, he was thinking about wedding bells.”

“Really?” Niall said with a half scoff, half laugh. “The kid can’t even keep his dick in his pants but he’s thinking about getting married? Did he learn nothing from us?”

“He’s trying, Niall,” Zayn said.

“I still want to punch him in his balls,” Niall shrugged and they both laughed.

“Will you guys be ok?” Zayn asked with concern.

“Maybe if I fuck Louis,” Niall suggested and Zayn glowered at him. “I’m just kidding. He’s not my type.”

“And what _is_ your type?” Zayn asked skeptically.

“Mm,” Niall rubbed his hand on his chin, “About my height, slim but not stickly. Black raven quiff. Hazel eyes. Olive skin. Soft lips that make for pretty decent blow jobs.”

“Pretty decent,” Zayn scoffed.

“Who said I was talking about you?” Niall snarked. Zayn stuck out his tongue as he pushed at Niall’s chest. “All jokes aside though, I’m glad to have you back.”

“Glad to be back,” Zayn gave him a soft smile and rested his head on Niall’s shoulder. Things went quiet between them for a few moments before Niall spoke again.

“We should go on a holiday,” Niall suggested suddenly.

“Holiday?” Zayn retorted.

“Yeah,” Niall said, “Just get the hell out of town. Run away. But together this time.”

Zayn gave him a little smirk. “Sounds nice but what about your baby?”

“Might not even be my baby anymore,” Niall rolled his eyes with a shrug.

“What?” Zayn gaped.

“I mean it is still my baby but Ellie’s thinking about giving her away,” Niall explained.

“Giving her away?” Zayn echoed in confusion.

“Like for adoption. She doesn’t think we’re stable enough to raise her or whatever,” Niall told him.

Zayn took a minute to process the information. He’d never thought about the option of Niall and Ellie giving the baby away but now that he had, it made perfect sense. No baby meant no Ellie which meant that things could go back to the way they’d been before all of this mess had started.

“That’s a great idea,” Zayn beamed. Niall’s eyes widened immediately and his face dropped into a deep frown.

“No it’s not. It’s a horrible idea,” Niall argued.

“Niall, think about it. I know you’ve always wanted kids but you didn’t want them this soon. And with so much drama. Giving the baby away could give all of us the fresh start we need and deserve. It’ll be like none of this ever happened,” Zayn explained.

“But it did happen,” Niall countered. “These past two months have been hell for me and I didn’t go through all of this just to quit and give my kid up, Zayn. And giving her away won’t make this all just magically go away. She’s still going to be out there. Except she’ll be with complete fucking strangers thinking I didn’t give a shit about her and that’s why I gave her up.”

“No,” Zayn said calmly. “You’d be doing what’s best for her.”

“What’s best for her or what’s best for _you_?” Niall asked.

“Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tied to Ellie and some baby you never wanted in the first place?” Zayn asked him.

“It’s not about me! Or Ellie! Or you! This is about my fucking daughter, Zayn, for Christ’s sakes! Could everyone just pull their heads out of their asses long enough to realize the whole reason we’re all even in this mess is because there’s a baby in the middle of it. A soon to be living, breathing human being who is going to be affected by every decision we make. God everybody is so fucking selfish.”

“Selfish?” Zayn scoffed.

“Selfish,” Niall repeated.

“The only reason I came back here was because _you_ didn’t want to tell your parents the truth. The only reason we’re in this whole mess is because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants and then you decided you just had to go playing the hero by inviting your fishy ex to live with us, who just so happened to be pregnant with your kid after you two supposedly hadn’t spoken in months,” Zayn argued.

“Ok,” Niall said. “And none of that changes the fact that you’ve been selfish too.”

“Because of you!” Zayn yelled at him.

“Oh don’t you even dare,” Niall scoffed. “You did not sleep with Harry because of me. You did not fucking leave because of me.”

“Yes I did! I fucking had to, Niall,” Zayn argued.

Niall screwed up his face in a mix of confusion and disgust. “You had to. You had to? What, Zayn?”

“Because I fucking signed my soul over to you, Niall. I have given you so much of me that I tried to fucking convince myself that I could just grin and bear it the rest of my life through something that I knew was going to make me absolutely fucking miserable if it meant that I wouldn’t lose you. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because I was so disgusted at how pathetic I was. I was so desperate to believe that this could possibly work out that I was willing to make myself miserable just to make you happy.”

“That’s what love is!” Niall shouted in response. “It’s compromise.”

“Did you hear anything I just said?” Zayn replied. “That’s not love or compromise. That’s fucking toxic.”

“Oh God forbid something in this relationship isn’t about you for once,” Niall rolled his eyes.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Zayn spat.

“I spend so much time walking on eggshells around you because I know you’re just one bad day away from bolting!” Niall yelled.

“You’re the one that said you couldn’t do this anymore!” Zayn reminded him. “What, was I just supposed to stick around and sulk in misery until you changed your mind?”

“You should’ve fought for us,” Niall shook his head. “I’ve fought so hard for you, so many times. And the one time I needed you to do the same for me, you just walked away.”

“Because I had to,” Zayn repeated in exasperation.

“No you didn’t. You were selfish. Yeah, maybe you saved yourself but you destroyed this marriage in the process,” Niall argued back, shaking his head. “I hope it was worth it.”

“Do you even hear what you’re saying to me?” Zayn retorted.

 A moment of silence fell between them before Zayn continued.

“You’re not the same person I fell in love with anymore. That person would never make me choose being his husband over being myself,” Zayn said, his voice shaky.

“And maybe you’ve been this person all along but I’m only just now realizing it,” Niall returned.

“And what person is that?” Zayn spat back.

“Someone I should’ve never married,” Niall responded quietly.

Tears immediately started to well up in Zayn’s eyes as he got up from the bed and walked to the door. But he didn’t open it, even though he really, really wanted to. Instead he turned around and crossed his arms as he stared Niall down with a deep frown through his tears.

“You don’t mean that,” Zayn responded. Niall swallowed and looked away from him. “I’ve hurt you a lot. You want to hurt me back so that I can feel what you feel but you don’t mean that.”

“If you’re gonna go just go, Zayn,” Niall replied tiredly.

“I’m not leaving,” Zayn said. “I want to but I’m not.”

“Why not?” Niall asked. “What makes this different from any other time you’ve walked away?”

“Because you’re right,” Zayn admitted. “I’m selfish. I left you. I cheated on you. I lied to you. You hurt me but everything I did in response to that was my choice. I’ve been a shit husband and I’m saying it myself that I’m less than what you deserve.” Niall didn’t respond; Zayn continued. “But you did love me at one point. And you did marry me. And I don’t think that all of that was just on impulse. Some part of you had to have known deep down that even as fucked up as I am, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.”

“None of that matters if you can’t stick it out, Zayn,” Niall replied. Zayn swallowed and walked back over to the bed to kneel beside Niall. “What are you doing?”

“This is me, trying now, putting all of my cards on the table. I know I don’t deserve it but I’m going to ask for it anyways,” Zayn told him.

“Ask for what?” Niall looked at him skeptically.

“For you to give me one last chance. If I screw it up, then I’ll take full responsibility and we can end things for good. But if I don’t screw it up, then I hope you’ll choose to keep me around.”

“I had a world of chances for you, Zayn. And you burned through every single one of them,” Niall replied solemnly.

“Because I suck at this and I’ll fully admit to it. I suck at love, I suck at being open. I’m complete shit at it,” Zayn said candidly.

“But you didn’t even try, Zayn, that’s the thing. It’s not like you sucked because you tried and failed. You sucked because you never tried at all,” Niall told him.

“Because I knew it would crush me that much more if I gave it my all and you still walked away,” Zayn pled.

“But how could you still think that I was going to leave after everything I’ve done to show you that I wasn’t?” Niall asked back.

“Because when enough people tell you that they’re here to stay and still leave anyways you stop believing in it,” Zayn replied quietly with a small shrug.

“But I’m not them, Zayn,” Niall huffed in frustration. “I’m not your dad. I’m not your ex’s. I’m Niall. Your best friend. Your biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. Your other half.”

“My matching puzzle piece,” Zayn said putting his hand over the puzzle piece tattoo hidden under his shirt.

“And you’re mine. The love of my life. My soulmate. My person,” Niall responded mirroring Zayn’s action as he wrapped his other hand around the base of Zayn’s neck to pull him in closer.

“I couldn’t live with myself if I knew that I’d let you go forever without ever giving you every single piece of me that I had to offer the same way you’d done for me,” Zayn said earnestly, looking up into Niall’s wet blue eyes.

Niall couldn’t hold it in anymore and responded with a choked sob as tears ran down his face and he pressed his forehead against Zayn’s. He pulled Zayn in by the collar of his t-shirt and gave him a sad, wet kiss.

“What does this mean?” Zayn asked him anxiously.

“It means if you break my heart _ever_ again-,” Niall started but Zayn shook his head instantly and cut him off

“Never again,” Zayn vowed.

***

Niall went with Zayn to Harry’s flat to pack up his things and to their surprise Harry was there packing some of his things into a suitcase as well.

“What’s this?” Zayn asked him as Niall just looked at him quizzically.

“Louis wants me to come back home!” Harry beamed.

“Ah Haz, that’s great!” Zayn congratulated him and embraced him in a proud hug. Niall let out an obnoxious cough in response.

“Congrats,” Niall said offhandedly with an eyeroll.

“Well it’s quite tense in here innit,” Harry said, pulling at the collar of his shirt.

“Tense,” Niall repeated with a sadistic smirk on his lips as a light went off in his head. “Could you give us a minute?”

“Uh, yeah ok,” Harry nodded as Niall wrapped his hand around Zayn’s wrist and walked him down the hall to Harry’s room, shutting the door behind them.

“What are you doing?” Zayn asked in confusion.

“Getting even,” Niall responded.

Zayn looked at him in confusion but Niall only nudged him back onto Harry’s bed in response before straddling Zayn’s hips as he pulled his shirt over his head and connected their lips.

“I don’t know where you’re going with this but I like it,” Zayn told him with an intrigued smirk.

“Just go with it,” Niall told him with another kiss as he got his hands on the neck of Zayn’s shirt and without a second thought, put all of his might into tearing the material in half until the shirt was split down the middle. He sucked at Zayn’s neck as he went to work getting the both of them out of their boxers and jeans.

When they were both bare, Niall bit down on Zayn’s lip and pulled back slowly before he slid his fingers into Zayn’s mouth to get them wet before he inched them into Zayn’s bum. Niall swallowed Zayn’s gasps as he pushed his fingers farther and farther inside him and scissored them to get Zayn prepped and open.

When Zayn’s breathing had lightened and he was easily taking Niall’s fingers down to the knuckle, Niall pulled them out. He slid his cock in slowly and carefully despite their rough and fast tempo since he was relying on his precome to be enough lube for Zayn. But once he was in, his pace only quickened from there and the violent kissing resumed.

Zayn dug his nails into Niall’s skin and scratched tracks onto his back as Niall bit down on his skin and scratched him back. They wrestled around on Harry’s bed, tangling their limbs around each other’s as they pulled one another’s hair, scratched into each other’s skin and sank their teeth down onto Harry’s sheets and pillows as well as onto each other. Their groans, moans, and shouts of ‘fuck’, ‘God’, ‘harder’, and other variations and combinations of the curses filled the air.

“What are you two doing in there!” Harry yelled as he pounded on the door.

“Why don’t you open the door and find out!” Niall yelled back with a cheeky grin as he looked down at Zayn and they both laughed.

“Fucking wankers!” Harry yelled at them with a final bang to the door before he finally resigned and walked away.

Niall and Zayn both let out loud laughs as Niall pinned Zayn down underneath him doggy style and made quick work of getting a hand around Zayn’s already hard and leaking cock. He jerked him off quickly as he pushed his face down into Harry’s bed and Zayn bit down on Harry’s pillow to stifle himself. But then Zayn flipped himself over and wrapped his legs around Niall’s waist to pull him in even deeper. They were in a literal race to the finish and battle for dominance and neither one of them was backing down.

Zayn redefined the term ‘power bottom’ but Niall refused to let Zayn take over that easily. He plowed into Zayn with all his might, translating all of his anger and pent up aggression from the past few months into every thrust. With every pull to the locks of Zayn’s hair and every bite to his skin, just a bit more of resentment flowed out of Niall. The sex was rough but they were communicating again, even if it wasn’t with words.

Niall warned Zayn when he was about to come and to his surprise, Zayn pulled him closer. He came inside of Zayn and then Zayn came a few aftershock thrusts later.

They didn’t touch each other or speak as they lay across from each other on either side of Harry’s bed. They breathed deeply until they each caught their breaths and then the room fell into silence.

“Well that just happened,” Niall laughed and Zayn couldn’t help but to crack a smile.

“Harry’s going to be so pissed,” Zayn chuckled.

“I think it makes us even,” Niall shrugged with a smirk. The room fell silent between them again for a few moments after that.

“I really am sorry for that, Niall,” Zayn apologized as he turned over on his side to look at Niall. Niall shrugged in response. “I am.”

“I’m so tired of apologies,” Niall breathed. “I want to move on. I’m tired of being stuck in this place, having the same fight over and over again. What just happened was real. That was us. The way we’re supposed to be. We need to let everything go and get back to that.”

“You’re right,” Zayn nodded with a smile as he rolled over and rested his chin in his hand before leaning over to give Niall another kiss. “So about that holiday.”

“About that holiday,” Niall echoed with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will admit that I did almost abandon this fic entirely for a number of reasons:
> 
>  *Although ideas for the fic constantly flow through my head it's not always easy to make them fit into a cohesive flowing chapter. I'm honestly not even entirely pleased with how this chapter turned out but I knew that if I kept waiting for it to be perfect I would give up (again) and never finish the story.
> 
> *This hiatus has been exceptionally hard on me mainly for the reason that I fear that the four remaining boys will not return from this "break" as promised. This makes it emotionally difficult for me to even look at pictures of them, let alone continue writing a story about them when I'm not even sure that they will ever be a part of my life again.
> 
> *Along with that, I will confess that I have not been a particular fan of real-life Zayn since he announced that he was going solo. I feel like the excuses he made during his initial departure were lies and the departure itself was devastating and blindsiding.
> 
> I understand that this is an "alternate universe" that I've created and am writing about but when what is happening irl is just one shit show after another, it makes it hard to want to continue writing. I started writing because I loved the boys and believed in them and it was easy to write about something that I enjoyed. But now it causes me more stress than happiness and I didn't want to give this story any less than my best because I knew that even if only one other person was reading this, they deserved better than some half-ass attempt.
> 
> With that said, my plans for now are to finish this story within 2 chapters and an epilogue that will hopefully be completed by the end of the year as promised.


	12. Oceans Away

By the next morning, they’d decided to drop everything and got themselves Eurostar tickets to Amsterdam. It was spontaneous and unconventional but it was what they needed.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” Zayn let out a little chuckle as they boarded.

“Why not?” Niall asked as they took their seats.

“Did you think we’d be leaving the country together three days ago?” Zayn questioned sarcastically.

“I suppose you have a point,” Niall conceded. “But I’m not surprised now. We’re a team. Wherever you go, I go. If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Zayn looked at him fondly and gently ran his thumb over Niall’s cheek. “My little bird.”

“Are you sure your baby mama is going to be ok in the flat all by herself?” Zayn asked.

“Well Liam’s going to be there with her just in case,” Niall told him. “But I’m not worried and you shouldn’t be either. This trip is about us. No baby mama drama, no baby talk. Just you, me, and the freedom of being free.”

“‘The freedom of being free’?” Zayn asked with a laugh.

“You know you were always better at English than me, Zayn,” Niall rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue. “My point is that I just want us to enjoy each other’s company and enjoy being away from everything for as long as we can.”

“Enjoy the freedom of being free,” Zayn smiled.

“Exactly,” Niall smiled and grabbed Zayn’s hand in his.

***

“So we’re here. What now?” Zayn asked as they exited the station and walked out into the warm, beer drenched air of Amsterdam.

“Anything we want,” Niall smiled at him brightly.

“Well the Red Light District is obviously a must,” Zayn stated with a coy grin.

“Of course,” Niall agreed, “But what should we do until then?”

“Hmm,” Zayn mulled it over for a second, rubbing his thumb along his stubbled jaw line. “Pick your poison.”

“Huh?” Niall cocked his head in confusion.

“Do you want to drink or do you want to smoke?” Zayn asked.

“Hmm,” Niall smiled and rubbed his thumb over his chin imitating Zayn. “Both.”

“Well what do you want to do first,” Zayn laughed.

“Beer. Let’s drink beer,” Niall decided.

 

Their first stop was the Brouwerij 't IJ brewery next to the De Gooyer Windmill. They took a tour of the brewery and learned about the brewing process before getting their free beers that were included in the tour.

“Would you like to try our sampler?” Their tour guide turned bartender asked them noticing how quickly Niall had gone through his first drink.

“Sampler?” Niall asked.

“You can get five glasses of any of our standard brews that we always have on tap or try any of our seasonal or limited edition brews,” the bartender explained.

“Well in that case, we’ll have two samplers. For mine I want the strongest beers you’ve got on tap,” Niall told him. The bartender smiled with a nod and turned to look at Zayn.

“I … guess I’m having the same,” Zayn said hesitantly.

The bartender gave them a sinister grin as he walked away to fix their drinks.

“Niall it’s barely half past three,” Zayn turned toward him nervously.

“Anytime is drinking time when you’re on holiday,” Niall told him matter-of-factly. “And I want us to spend this trip in an eternal state of bliss so drink up.”

Zayn shook his head with a fond laugh and eye roll as the bartender brought the first sampler over to them. Zayn could smell the beers before he was even in front of them and Niall eyed them like they were presents on Christmas day.

“Go on, pick one,” Niall told Zayn after he’d grabbed one for himself.

“Niall, you know I’m picky when it comes to my drinks,” Zayn said as he tried to decide which one to take.

“Just pick one, Princess,” Niall goaded him.

“Fine,” Zayn rolled his eyes and picked the lightest one of the bunch, thinking the taste wouldn’t be as strong as the darker ones.

“To an eternal state of bliss and the freedom of being free,” Niall toasted and clinked their glasses together.

The first beers went down smoothly and Zayn had to admit that he didn’t entirely hate it. He quite liked them actually. There was something about the organic, freshly brewed beers that had a huge leg up on anything he’d ever gotten in London and he wasn’t complaining. So their second drink turned into their third and the bartender brought the second sampler and within an hour all ten drinks were gone and they were feeling good.

They stumbled out of the bar, arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders, warm and smiley. Niall looked up at the windmill and started to laugh which made Zayn start laughing which then resulted in the two of them falling into a fit of drunken hysterics until they fell onto a bench and their laughs trickled down.

“What’s so funny?” Zayn asked him.

“This was supposed to be a pregame for the Heineken museum but now ’m already drunk and I don’t know if I can make it that far,” Niall laughed.

“But we still have so much of the day left,” Zayn said, in a half chuckle/half whine.

“Let me just,” Niall rested his head in Zayn’s lap.

“What are you doing?” Zayn asked quickly.

“Don’t worry. ‘m not gonna blow ya out here in the street, babe,” Niall told him with another laugh. “Unless you want me to.”

“Hmm maybe later,” Zayn let out a little laugh and pushed Niall’s hair back from where it was falling over his eyes.

“Well good because I want to take a quick nap,” Niall yawned.

“Right here?” Zayn asked in confusion.

“Right here,” Niall nodded his head against Zayn’s thigh.

“And what am I supposed to do while you sleep?” Zayn asked him.

“Well you can sleep too,” Niall shrugged. “Or you can keep look out.”

“Look out?” Zayn asked with a chuckle.

“Yeah, you know watch out for suspicious activity. Make sure no one tries to kidnap me or summat,” Niall shrugged as he burrowed his head in Zayn’s lap.

“Niall it’s the middle of the day and you’re a grown man,” Zayn reminded him.

“I’m camping,” Niall huffed.

“You’re camping?” Zayn repeated with a laugh.

“We should do that. We should go camping,” Niall exclaimed, immediately shooting up from Zayn’s lap.

“What about your nap?” Zayn asked as Niall bolted up from the bench and grabbed Zayn’s hand to pull him up.

“Why didn’t we think of this before?” Niall continued. “Just us in nature with the stars and weed and some more beer. Fuck a fancy hotel. Let’s just get down to the basics you know.”

“Are you being serious right now?” Zayn asked, his voice a mix of confusion and excitement as he trailed behind Niall.

“Tent or hammock?” Niall asked him in return.

“What?”

 “Well I suppose we can’t fuck in a hammock, that’d be tricky what with being suspended in the air and all. Hmm, so a tent then I think,” Niall decided before Zayn could even process what he was saying.

So as per Niall’s request, they ended up buying a tent and a hammock as well as a quarter of weed and a six pack and found themselves in the middle of a secluded forest that looked like a scene straight out of _Twilight_.

“I think here’s good,” Niall nodded at a spot between two trees on the edge of a sparkling river and turned to look at Zayn for confirmation.

Zayn shrugged and nodded because he’d never been camping before and it all looked like bumfuck nowhere to him but at least it was bumfuck nowhere with a view and his shining husband beside him.

With that, Niall tossed down the camping supplies and looked between the hammock and the tent trying to decide which he should set up first and decided the hammock would be the easier bet given his drunken state. He’d been in hammocks on other holidays before so he had a vague idea of what it was supposed to look like when it was set up but he wasn’t exactly sure how he was supposed to turn all of the separate parts into that. He shook all of the contents from the bag, one of which was a paper with directions that he unfolded and studied, his hand going from his hip to scratching his head once he’d realized it was in Dutch.

“Well,” Niall folded the paper back up and looked at Zayn, biting his lip nervously.

“What?” Zayn asked, his hands still full with the beer and weed.

“We may have a bit of a problem.”

“What is it?” Zayn asked, furrowing his brows in concern.

“The directions are in Dutch. And well … I don’t speak Dutch,” Niall told him with the nervous grin of a child that had just broken their mum’s favorite vase.

“Jesus, Niall,” Zayn shook his head as he handed Niall the weed and beer and took the directions from him to see. Yup, it definitely wasn’t English. He looked down at the straps and hammock to study them, trying to figure out how to put it together. There were only a few parts so he didn’t think it would be that hard to figure out.

He picked up the first strap and wrapped it around a tree. He realized that there were loops on both ends so all he had to do was put one through the other, do the same on the other side and hook the hammock up with the carabiners. He was done within just a few minutes.

“Brilliant,” Niall beamed at him and clapped his hands together proudly.

“Well no guarantee it won’t come down while we’re in it but I think I’ve done it right,” Zayn said, standing back to look at it with his hands on his hips.

“You did good babe,” Niall clapped his hands on Zayn’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I never knew you were such a handy man.”

“No biggie,” Zayn shrugged and turned his head coyly, pressing a quick peck to Niall’s lips. “You’re on rolling and tent duty though since I managed to put this together.”

Niall agreed and got down to the ground to start rolling the weed into one of their Raw papers while Zayn reclined in the hammock, his hand behind his head and his eyes to the sky.

“Can you believe we’re here right now?” Zayn asked, turning on his side to look at Niall.

“You mean like in this specific location or just back together and here in general?” Niall asked as he licked across the seal of the joint.

“Both I guess,” Zayn said, “But mainly the latter. Like after all of the shit we’ve been through this year, can you believe that we’re actually here on the other side of it?”

“Honestly I can,” Niall told him with a simple shrug. “I told you, we’re a team.”

“Even though the hard part isn’t over yet,” Zayn stated.

Niall shook his head and shrugged again, “It’s not. Probably won’t be for a long time. But at least now we’re back to fighting on the same side.”

“You always knew didn’t you?” Zayn asked, looking at Niall quizzically as he lit the joint and put it to his lips as he climbed into the hammock beside Zayn.

“Knew what?” Niall asked in response, wrapping his arms around Zayn from behind before taking another draw from the joint.

“That everything would work out,” Zayn answered as he took the joint from Niall.

Niall scrunched his brows and drew back. “There was no way that I could’ve known how this would all play out. Trust me, if I did, I would’ve don’t things a lot differently. But I did always have hope.

“Why?” Zayn questioned.

“Why?” Niall echoed in confusion.

“I just- after everything that I did; why? Why would you still want me?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Niall posed back.

“But even before all of this though,” Zayn went on, “The way I treated you; how jealous I would get; why’d you stick around? Why’d you fucking _marry_ me?”

“Because I knew you were special from the day that I met you, Zayn,” Niall stated simply. “I knew that one way or another, you and those other three knuckleheads were meant to be in my life for as long as I could see it but you, _you_ were meant to be my tether.”

“Your tether?” Zayn echoed.

“You gave me purpose just as much as I gave purpose to you. You saw things in me that no one else did and you let me see other sides of you that no one else ever had. We were always meant to be, Z,” Niall told him like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Then why’d it take us so fucking long to figure it out?” Zayn asked with a little laugh and shake of his head.

“Maybe we were just scared. Or stupid,” Niall shrugged.

“I can’t believe my soulmate was standing right in front of me for years and I never even realized it,” Zayn said in astonishment. “But then again maybe I did know, just a little.”

“Oh did you now?” Niall asked with a blow of smoke.

“I always thought you were cute and sweet,” Zayn smiled at him.

Niall smiled back with a slight blush. “Cute and sweet’s all I get?”

“Well that was my first impression back then!” Zayn said defensively. “I wasn’t even entirely sure that I was really gay back then. Or that you were either! Which you aren’t.”

“Fair enough,” Niall shrugged. “Have I convinced you enough now though?”

Zayn squinted his eyes and bit down on his lip, “Hmmm. Not entirely sure.”

“Not entirely sure?” Niall repeated, aghast.

Zayn rubbed his chin deviously and shook his head.

“Well what ever could I do to prove to you that I’m 100%, entirely Zaynsexual?” Niall questioned, looking up at him through his lashes as Zayn let out a laugh in a puff of smoke.

“Zaynsexual?” Zayn echoed and they both laughed at how ridiculous it sounded.

“Well I don’t know how much I like guys but I do know, with complete certainty, that I’m into you,” Niall affirmed.

“Well I’d hope so,” Zayn laughed, “We’re kind of stuck together, what with the whole marriage thing and all.”

“Marriage,” Niall smiled and looked up to the sky. “My husband.”

“My husband,” Zayn echoed, clasping Niall’s hand in his and pressing a chaste kiss to it.

Niall cupped Zayn’s chin in his hand and turned his face to meet his lips, pressing them into a deep, longing kiss. “I love you so much,” he mumbled into Zayn’s mouth, pressing their foreheads together softly.

“I love you too,” Zayn whispered back.

***

After a couple makeout sessions and a quick kip in the hammock, the boys found themselves strolling down the Red Light District and walking through the doors of the Casa Rosso. They both agreed that they would merely be spectators this time around as opposed to fucking on stage as they had during their honeymoon.

They took a booth near the back and lit up a joint then ordered their first round of drinks as the host of the night took to the stage. She was a drag queen with an obscene amount of makeup and prosthetics, her boobs as big as her face and an ass that could rival the likes of Nicki Minaj and Kim K but at least the boys knew that they would be entertained. After a bit of banter, she welcomed the first act to the stage and the lights dimmed.

As the music of Carousel by Melanie Martinez started, the stage lit back up with a spotlight on a small blonde woman with obnoxiously huge implants dressed as a ring leader that was stood in the center of the stage. As the first verse started, she snapped her fingers and an army of scantily clad men dressed up as different animals crawled onto the stage. The ring leader climbed on to the back of a man wearing a thong that left little to the imagination, with only the cloth of an elephant’s trunk covering his swaying cock. As the music went into the first instrumental break, a group of topless female dancers took to the stage to grovel at the feet of the ring leader as she rode atop her man and grazed everyone on the stage as she lip synched to the words. As the music went into the chorus, the ‘animals’ stood and each embraced a woman, followed by a dip and a passionate kiss. Then just as quickly, the stage turned into a full on orgy while the ring leader continued to weave her way through the fucking couples until the song was over and the lights dimmed again.

The next act was a Suicide Squad theme to the tune of “Sucker for Pain” by Imagine Dragons. The performers were all dressed as characters from the comic with the lead of it all being Harley Quinn, of course.

She started with Boomerang who had chains around both his wrists and ankles as well as his neck. She licked at and touched him all over while he moved his head around in pleasure, clearly desperate to touch her but left unable to from his restraints.

And just as quickly as she’d gone to him, she was walking away, moving on to Diablo.

 He was laid in a bed, surrounded by candles. Harley looked at the audience deviously as she picked one up and turned it on its side, slowly pouring the hot wax down the skin from his jaw to his groin. She licked at his neck as she dug her hand down into an ice bucket that had held a bottle of wine and her hand emerged with a piece of ice between her fingertips that she used to trail beside the cooling line of wax that she had left on him.

She moved on to Deadshot next who was sat in a chair wearing his mask with metal clamps on both nipples and one around the girth of his cock. Harley did a seductive shimmying dip down onto his lap, grazing her hand along his chest before it went up to his mask and ripped it off. She put it on herself as she stood and grabbed a remote from an end table and showed it to the audience. She turned the dial slightly which resulted in a small shock to the clamps on Deadshot, causing him to let out an audible groan. She turned the dial again, sending another shock to the clamps which caused Deadshot to let out a harder, more pained moan. She let out a little giggle as she took the mask back off and threw it down along with the remote before moving on to Katana who was laid daintily on a satin sheet bed in a black lace dress that was meant to somewhat resemble the characters costume.

Harley grabbed Katana’s ‘sword’ from its sheath before lying down on the bed beside her. She grazed her fingers up to fondle Katana’s breasts through the dress before quickly plunging the sword dildo straight into her. Katana’s head fell back as Harley continued to push and pull the dildo in and out of her, still pinching and twisting her nipples between her fingers as she went.

As the final chorus began, Harley left Katana with a kiss and walked to a small prisoner’s cell that had the Joker behind its bars with his hands cuffed to the top. She stepped into the cell, shutting the door behind her and straddled him with a kiss as the music began to fade out and the lights dimmed once again.

They stayed for a few more acts before they both decided they were hungry and left the Casa Rosso in search of a restaurant close by since neither of them wanted to leave the Red Light District because the night was still young and they were having fun. They strolled down the street a few blocks before landing on a quaint Irish pub. It had a limited menu but they offered a free pint to all new customers and the boys were more than happy to accept.

It was while they were waiting to order that Niall glanced behind Zayn and caught sight of a familiar face. It took him a moment to realize who it was but the auburn hair sparked his memory and he realized it was Thalia, the woman they’d met at Casa Rosso on their honeymoon.

“Zayn,” Niall whispered urgently, not taking his eyes off of her because he wanted to make sure.

“What?” Zayn asked in confusion, turning around to see what he was looking at.

“I think that’s the woman we met on our honeymoon. The one we did that competition with and then we went to the bar with her and her husband,” Niall explained.

“Oh yeah,” Zayn nodded, turning back around, “Thalia and Vaughn! We should say hi.”

“You think they’d remember us?” Niall asked.

“Well you remember her,” Zayn told him. “Plus, I mean we all had sex on the same stage and I feel like that’s a bit hard to forget.”

“I guess that’s true,” Niall let out a little laugh. He got up and approached the table behind him nervously. Thalia and her husband were mid-conversation and he’d just said something to make her laugh when Niall walked up and smiled at them shyly.

“I-uh, you guys probably don’t remember me but I’m-,” he started but Vaughn quickly cut him off.

“I remember you. You were married to the handsome Pakistani man, here on your honeymoon. Stole the Fuckerday crown right from under us,” Vaughn told him with a smile.

“Oh Vaughn please,” Thalia gave him a little slap on his hand. “They earned it in their own right. They were hot.”

“Thank you,” Niall smiled with a little blush.

“Where’s your husband? Are you guys here for dinner?” Thalia asked.

“We’re sitting over there,” Niall said, pointing at where Zayn was still sitting a few tables down. He smiled at them and waved.

“You guys should come join us!” Thalia beamed. “Catch up, tell us how the married life is going.”

“Oh we wouldn’t want to intrude on your date night,” Niall shook his head abashedly.

“No not at all,” Vaughn insisted. “We’ve had plenty of date nights in 15 years and plenty more to come. Please sit.”

“Well ok,” Niall agreed. “Let me just run and get him.”

Thalia and Vaughn shifted around so that they were sat on one side of the both with Zayn and Niall on the other side. They ordered before Zayn and Niall but told the waiter to hold their food until Zayn and Niall’s was ready which the boys objected to but the older couple insisted and ordered them all glasses of wine to sip on instead while they waited.

“So how’ve you guys been?” Thalia asked. “How is the married life? Is it everything you imagined? Harder than you expected?”

“It’s um, it’s ok,” Niall stated hesitantly and Zayn nodded in agreement.

Thalia quirked her head and looked at her husband before looking back at them. “Are you sure? I don’t think I told you all when we met, but I’m a sex therapist. I’ve worked with a lot of couples and helped them sort through all kinds of things. I understand if you aren’t quite comfortable sharing your marital problems, if there are any, over dinner but if there’s anything you guys do want to say or need help with,” she offered and they looked at each other nervously.

“Oh Thalia, you can’t just ask people about their marriages like that,” Vaughn rebuked her.

“Well um actually,” Zayn spoke up and looked at Niall for confirmation before he continued.

Niall swallowed and shrugged, “It hasn’t exactly been all peaches and cream for us.”

“His ex told him that she was pregnant a few months ago and now she’s living in our flat,” Zayn explained bluntly.

Thalia and Vaughn shared a look before she nodded for them to continue.

“Which made him move out and sleep with one of our best friends which really hurt me,” Niall bit down on his lip and glanced at Zayn before looking back at Thalia and Vaughn.

“Well you’re here now so things must be looking up then? At least to a certain extent,” Thalia posed.

“Well things are still a little rocky,” Niall said carefully. “I’m still nervous that he’ll leave again.”

“And I’m still not happy about the fact that his ex-fling is living in _our_ space,” Zayn asserted.

“But she has nowhere else to go right now,” Niall said in defense. “She’s carrying my kid. I can’t just throw her out onto the streets.”

“Well it’s a nice thing that you’re doing for her,” Thalia started. “But you do have to consider the cost that it comes at. Are you sure that there’s nowhere else for her to go? Not another friend or a relative maybe?”

“I um, I actually don’t know,” Niall shrugged.

“You never asked her?” Zayn asked him with a hint of shock and anger in his voice.

“Look it was a lot when she told me and I couldn’t just tell her no,” Niall said defensively. “She waited five months to tell me that she was pregnant. Who knows what she would’ve done if I said no.”

“Why did she wait five months to tell you?” Thalia asked carefully.

Niall shook his head and shrugged again as the waiter brought out all of their food. “She said that she saw how happy I was with Zayn and that she didn’t want to ruin it. Plus she’d gotten together with someone else too.”

“And what made her finally decide to tell you?” Thalia asked, taking a bite of her steak.

“Her boyfriend broke up with her and she needed a place to stay,” Niall explained.

Thalia shared another look with Vaughn before she let out a deep sigh and looked at Niall and Zayn again. “Did you ever think that maybe this was never about a baby at all but instead about you?”

“What?” Niall retorted.

“Well from what it sounds like to me, she had or has feelings for you and was jealous of the fact that you moved on to someone else so she roped you back in the best way that she could which was with a child. And in the process, the more she forced herself back into your life, the more she pushed your husband out,” Thalia explained.

Niall and Zayn shared a look of disbelief. When it was put like that it all made sense. Neither of them could believe that they hadn’t considered that as a possibility before.

“But even when Zayn was gone, she never made tried anything on me. And just a few days ago she suggested that we should give the baby up for adoption,” Niall countered.

“Well maybe it was because she realized that her plan hadn’t worked. That you loved your husband too much,” Thalia suggested.

“Oh my god,” Niall let out a little breath, his stomach sinking as he came to the realization.

“But what’s important to remember now is that despite everything, you two have made it through to the other side together,” Vaughn reminded them.

“Oh my god,” Niall repeated in a little breath, shaking his head as a tears welled up in his eyes. “Zayn, I am so sorry.”

“It’s ok,” Zayn told him, giving his hand a little squeeze.

“No it’s not,” Niall shook his head as he wiped at his eye. “I should’ve never let her into our flat.”

“You didn’t know,” Zayn said, swiping his thumb over Niall’s cheek.

“How could I have been so stupid? So blind?” Niall asked, looking back at Thalia and Vaughn desperately.

“You weren’t stupid. You were kind. You were doing what you thought was right. She’s the one who was wrong, not you. Don’t blame yourself,” Thalia assured him, running her thumb over his knuckles and giving his hand a reassuring pat.

“Well what do I do now?” Niall asked them.

“That I can’t really tell you,” Thalia said. “Only you can decide what’s right for your baby and your marriage. But what you shouldn’t do is let this tear you apart. Don’t let her win. You show her everyday how much love your husband and when that baby comes you love it and protect it and remember that despite their mother, they’re your flesh and blood and you sacrificed for them.”

“Maybe you could even file for custody,” Vaughn suggested. “So there’s no chance she could keep the baby from you.”

“How would you all like to split the bill tonight?” The waiter asked them as he came back to the table.

“We’ll cover both checks,” Vaughn told them.

“No, you don’t have to-“ Zayn tried to object but Thalia held up her hand.

“Please, it’s the least that we could do,” she told them earnestly. “Niall, sweetheart, I know it’s hard but you shouldn’t feel guilty. You were only trying to do the right thing.”

“Thank you for dinner,” Niall tried his best at a smile. “I um I think I need some air,” he said before excusing himself from the table.

Zayn moved to follow him but Thalia put her hand out to hault him. She scribbled something on a napkin before sliding it over to Zayn and letting go of his arm. “This is my number. Call me if either of you ever need anything. Take care of each other. Don’t let him beat himself up over this.”

Zayn nodded as he took the note and thanked them before he rushed out the doors of the restaurant to find Niall sitting on the side of the building hugging his knees.

Zayn slid down to sit beside him and grabbed one of Niall’s hands in his. Niall rested his head on Zayn’s shoulder and Zayn hugged him around his neck as Niall cried into his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” Niall said in a tiny croak.

Zayn gave his hand a squeeze and rested his head on top of Niall’s, “I know. I’m sorry too.”

“For what?” Niall asked, looking up at him.

“For leaving. For letting her tear us apart,” Zayn said, looking down.

“This is all my fault,” Niall shook his head.

“We both fucked up,” Zayn told him earnestly and rubbed his thumb over Niall’s knuckles. “But what’s important is that we’re back and I’m not going anywhere this time.”

“Do you mean that?” Niall looked up at him again.

“For now and forever,” Zayn poked Niall in the chest where their matching tattoo was.

“Really though, Zayn,” Niall said seriously. “I can’t do this without you.”

“You’re my ball,” Zayn said, giving Niall a pat on his back.

“Your what?” Niall looked at him in confusion.

“I’m your tether and you’re my ball. You need me and I need you,” Zayn explained referencing what Niall had told him earlier in the hammock.

Within an instant they locked eyes a light bulb going off in both their heads simultaneously.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Zayn asked.

“That we’re getting a silly kids game tattooed on us as another sappy symbol of our love?” Niall smiled at him.

“I love you,” Zayn grinned as he leaned in to give Niall a soft, smiley kiss.

***

“Niall, it’s ok, calm down,” Zayn told him, gently pulling Niall’s hand away from where he’d been nervously rubbing the fresh tattoo through the fabric of his shirt the whole ride home a few days later.

“I can’t,” Niall squirmed. “What if she gets angry and leaves? What if the baby really is mine and she never lets me see it because of this?”

“Where would she even go?” Zayn asked. “I thought ours was the only place she had anyway.”

“But what if that was a lie?” Niall asked frantically.

“Ni, you’ve got to calm down. I can’t believe I’m saying this but if you’re really this stressed out maybe you shouldn’t ask her,” Zayn said calmly.

“What?” Niall retorted.

“I mean the other guy’s a ginger right? If it’s his, the kid’ll come out with red hair and that’ll speak for itself,” Zayn shrugged.

“I can’t wait two months to find that out,” Niall screwed up his face as he got out of the car.

“Look all I’m saying is that this is a delicate situation. We have to tread lightly,” Zayn told him as they walked up the stairs.

“I need to know, Zayn,” Niall said decisively before he opened the door.

Ellie turned to look back at them in surprise from where she was sitting in front of the TV eating a bowl of cereal.

“Hey, how was your holiday?” She asked as Zayn trailed in behind Niall.

Zayn and Niall shared a look before Niall looked at Ellie solemnly. “You and I need to talk.”

“Ok?” Ellie said hesitantly as she turned down the TV.

“I’m gonna go unpack,” Zayn said before he gave Niall a kiss on the cheek and walked down the hall.

“What’s going on?” Ellie asked him.

“I need to ask you something and you need to tell me the truth,” Niall said seriously.

“Niall, you’re scaring me,” Ellie frowned.

“Are you sure this baby is mine?” Niall asked.

Ellie’s eyes widened and then slit almost immediately, “How could you even ask me that?”

“Ellie, look. We hadn’t talked in months, I got married, you started seeing someone,” Niall started.

“Yeah and?” Ellie cut him offendedly.

“Maybe you got pregnant and things weren’t working out so you jumped ship and hoped I’d be the one to catch you even though the baby was his,” Niall suggested.

“Are you drunk right now?” Ellie scoffed.

“Ellie, I need to know,” Niall said.

Ellie looked him up and down and immediately got up from the couch and started walking down the hall.

“What are you doing? Where are you going?” Niall asked as he trailed behind her.

“I’m leaving,” Ellie said as she started pulling her clothes from the drawer and threw them into a duffel.

“Ellie please, I just need to know,” Niall said earnestly.

“It’s not his fucking baby, Niall. It’s yours, just like it has been since the day she was conceived. Don’t believe me? You want a paternity test? I’ll get one as soon as she’s out before she even has a name. And then I’ll take her and we’ll move to America and we’ll never bother you again,” Ellie spat as she shouldered past Niall to get out of the door.

“Ellie, wait,” Niall tried but she was fuming.

“You think this has been fun for me? Living here with some guy I didn’t even date and his husband that hates me while I get bigger and bigger by the day, my feet swell to the size of my head and my bladder shrinks to the size of a pea while I have a basketball inside me punching my organs every few minutes? You think this is what I wanted to do with my life? How I pictured having my first child?”

“Ellie, please just try to understand where I’m coming from,” Niall insisted.

“And where exactly is that?” Ellie looked at him in disgust.

“Some friends of mine suggested that maybe you used this as a way to get with me and get rid of Zayn because you were in love with me,” Niall said slowly.

Ellie gaped and looked even more disgusted than before. “Do you really think that low of me? And even better, that you’re that special? That I would ruin my life and put myself through this hell because I had a _crush_ on you?”

Niall looked at her pitifully with a mix of shame and embarrassment on his face.

“I always thought you were a nice guy. And I hated the fact that this happened to me, but I hated it just a little bit less because I always thought you’d make a good dad one day because of how caring you were and how much love you always had to give. But I was wrong. I was so wrong,” Ellie shook her head, tears brimming in her eyes as she went to the front door.

“Ellie, please, I’m sorry,” Niall tried.

“Fuck you. You’re a fucking bastard and I guess this baby will be one too now. Have a good life, Niall,” Ellie spat as she slammed the door behind her.

“Fucking hell,” Niall muttered to himself as he ran his hand through his hair in distress.

“Ellie, wait! Where are you going? You don’t even have a car,” he shouted as raced to catch up with her, though in her pregnant state she hadn’t had the chance to make it that far.

“I don’t care! And you shouldn’t either! This is what you wanted right? You wanted us out and we’re out so just leave us alone!” Ellie yelled back at him.

“Ellie, please just,” Niall tried as he took hold of her arm and she looked up at him wildly before ripping it away from his grasp.

“Don’t you touch me like that! Don’t you ever fucking touch me like that!” She yelled.

“Ellie I’m sorry. Please can we just talk about this,” Niall pled.

“I have nothing to say and you’ve said more than enough,” Ellie looked him up and down before she turned to walk away again.

This time however, Niall didn’t follow her. He knew it didn’t matter how slow she was walking because of the pregnancy because in her mind, she was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *returns from war nervously*  
> So there's one more chapter after this and then potentially an epilogue. I know it's been years (literally) but to anyone still reading, this fic will finally go from a WIP to a finished series by the end of September at the latest.
> 
> (Also the biggest of thank you's to Niallcute1998 because it wasn't for them sticking around and always leaving me comments of encouragement I probably wouldn't have finished this story :) )


	13. Your Hand in Mine

 “Are we making a huge mistake? Are we rushing this?” Louis asked as he paced back and forth frantically.

It had been a few weeks since Niall and Ellie’s falling out and they hadn’t spoken since. Niall had tried calling and texting just to make sure that she was ok but his attempts were all met with no response. He’d spent the first week worried sick but the more time that passed, the more he started to feel that Ellie might have really been gone for good.

This day, however, was not about him or Ellie or their drama. Niall looked at Liam and then back at Louis. Louis widened his eyes desperately.

“Well don’t ask me!” Niall exclaimed. “You see how my marriage has gone so far.”

Liam hit Niall on his shoulder and then turned to look at Louis assuredly. “Lou, it’s been years in the making. He’s your soulmate and you’re his. You know that, we all know that. This doesn’t change anything but the title.”

“Just, what if everything goes to shit like it did for Niall and Zayn? No offense,” Louis pouted and Niall shrugged, unoffended because he knew it was true.

“Well last I checked, Harry hasn’t been having sex with any girls for the past nine months so I think you should be good,” Niall joked and it at least made Louis crack a smile.

“Things are just finally getting good again, you know? I just don’t want it to stop,” Louis looked down.

“Well as we’ve all learned from the past two years, things are gonna go to shit because they always do. But what’s important is knowing that you’ll get through it together. And we’ll always be here for each other,” Niall smiled and him and Liam both pulled Louis into a hug.

“You guys are my family,” Louis gave them a teary smile.

“Well come on then before you miss your own wedding,” Liam told him cheekily.

 

“He’s still coming right?” Harry asked Zayn nervously as they stood across from each other in front of the wading tide of Brighton Beach.

“Yeah. Liam said they’re on the way,” Zayn assured him and gave an awkward smile to the officiant.

“God what if he’s backing out,” Harry ran his hands through his hair in distress. “What if he stands me up at our own wedding?”

“Harry, relax,” Zayn told him. “Just breathe. They’ll be here any minute now.”

“Fuck,” Harry bit down on his knuckle. “Text Niall. Ask him how Lou’s doing.”

“Harry, I’m” Zayn started but then Harry looked away and Zayn followed his gaze to the remaining pieces of their quintet walking towards them.

Niall and Liam were dressed in black tuxedos similar to Zayn’s but Louis was dressed in a powder blue suit with a light pink dress shirt underneath that left him absolutely breathtaking. Harry lifted his hands to his mouth and Zayn could see his tears welling up as the three boys walked their way.

Louis smiled and stretched out his hand for Harry to grab as he approached and Harry took it immediately.

“You look amazing,” he said, barely able to get the words out through his tears.

“So do you,” Louis smiled as he took in Harry’s forest green suit and slicked back hair.

“Are you boys ready to begin?” The officiant asked them with a smile. They both nodded in response.

“We are gathered here today on the 28th of September, 2016 to celebrate the love and union of Mr. Harry Edward Styles and Mr. Louis William Tomlinson. Like the waves of the ocean on this beach, may the bond of your love know no bounds and renew itself endlessly. There will be high tides and there will be storms. But in the end, the sun will rise, the water will glisten, and love will always prevail with the strength and might of a thousand waves.”

Louis looked over at Harry and raised his brow. Harry smirked at him and bit down on his lip to keep from laughing.

“Have you all got your vows?” The officiant asked and they turned their attention back to him. They both nodded and then shared a look. Louis nodded his head for Harry to go first and Harry made a little face as he patted at his chest before pulling out his vows that he’d written on a piece of legal paper months before. He moved from where he’d been standing on Louis’s side to stand in front of him took hold of one of Louis’s hands with his free ones as he began to read the words from the paper.

“Louis. My Louis. From the day that I met you I knew that you were going to change my life forever and oh you did. I loved you more than I could ever imagine loving anything. You were my sun, my stars, my air, my world. And then I slept with Nick.” The officiant made a look of shock while Liam, Zayn, and Niall’s eyes widened but Louis’s face remained bright as he listened to Harry attentively and nodded for him to go on with an encouraging smile on his lips.

“Everything fell apart. You fell apart. I’ll never forget finding you that night and seeing a version of my life that didn’t have you in it. I knew I didn’t want to live without you but I needed you to be ok more than I needed myself to be happy. So I let you go. I let you fall in love with someone else. I let you grow without me.

But somehow you still made it to back to me and I am so eternally grateful for that. You came back, stronger, fuller, and a better man than I could have ever hoped for. And still you loved me. You took me back despite everything. And now we’re here. I can’t promise that things will be perfect but I can promise that I will try with everything I have to be the best man that I can possibly be for you because I love you and I never want to live without you again.”

Louis smiled at Harry fondly and gave his hand a proud squeeze as he reached into his pants pocket to pull out his own vows. He looked at Harry nervously for a second and Harry gave him that same encouraging squeeze right back. Louis gave him one more fond smile before he looked down at his paper and started to read.

“Harry. My love. The love of my life. I can’t believe we’ve made it to this, that _I’ve_ made it to this. I never thought that someone could ever _really_ love me because the people that should’ve never did. I spent the longest time thinking that I didn’t deserve it and that it was something I’d never have. But then I met you. And you loved me in a way I didn’t even know was possible. You loved me for me. For every piece of me from the good to the bad. And it scared me. It scared the fuck out of me because it was something that I’d never known before and once I had it, I couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen if it ever stopped.

So I tried my best to be perfect for you, to be everything I thought you wanted and deserved. But then Nick happened and my entire world stopped. And I hated you. I hated that you had taken away the one good thing that I had ever had. But in a weird way, I think maybe we kind of needed it. We needed that time apart to see how special what we had was and that it was something that could never be replicated or erased. But more than that, _I_ needed that time to grow and get to a point where I could stand on my own two feet and start to love myself. And when I started to love myself, I realized that I had been loving you all wrong.

 I’d loved you selfishly. I’d loved you out of dependence and fear of being alone. But then, the more I felt whole, the more I realized that I could love you wholly too. That you weren’t just a person to love but _my_ person to love. Being with someone else made me realize that I could never love anyone else the way that I loved you and that I didn’t ever want to. There will be high tides and there will be storms but I wouldn’t want to weather it with anyone else but you.”

Harry gave Louis’s hand another proud squeeze and ran his thumb over his knuckles softly.

“Do you, Harry, take Louis to be your lawfully wedded husband and to love him in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse, till death do you part?”

“I do,” Harry smiled brightly at Louis and wiped a tear from his eye with a sniff.

“And do you, Louis, take Harry to be your lawfully wedded husband and to love him in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse, till death do you part?”

“Of course I do,” Louis smiled back at Harry and brushed his thumb over his knuckles.

“Then with all the power invested in me, I now pronounce you spouses in life. You may now kiss the groom,” the officiant closed. Louis couldn’t help himself and jumped into Harry’s arms gleefully and locked him into a deep kiss.

The other boys smiled as they clapped and threw rice and white rose petals at the two of them as Harry wrapped his hands under Louis’s knees to hold him bridal style.

“Well come on then. We’ve got reservations at the Tiki restaurant,” Liam reminded them.

***

“I can’t believe we’re married,” Louis smiled and lifted Harry’s hand to look at their rings as they sat around a fire that night with the boys.

“I can’t believe you’re all married to each other,” Liam laughed with a little scoff.

“Oh, Li don’t worry. Your princess will come around one of these days,” Harry teased and took a sip of his beer.

“Can you guys believe what a whirlwind these past two years have been,” Zayn asked, shaking his head in a mix of wistfulness and disbelief.

“Can’t believe we all made it out on the other side of it,” Niall shook his head and sipped his beer.

“Barely,” Louis joked and they all laughed.

“But really can we all make a promise to be better from here on out?” Niall suggested. “No more sleeping with anyone that isn’t our husbands.”

“No more attempts to off ourselves,” Harry added looking between Louis, Zayn, and Liam.

“No more disappearing when things get rough,” Louis said looking at all of them.

“No more keeping big secrets from each other,” Liam said and they all nodded.

“To growing up and being better men from here on out,” Niall tipped his bottle and they all raised their bottles as well.

“And to many more years of friendship,” Liam added.

“And successful marriages,” Harry smiled and pulled Louis closer as they all clinked their beers.

“Can’t believe you guys have all gone from crushing school boys to full on husbands,” Liam smiled at both couples proudly.

“Can’t believe we’ve all gone from rowdy school boys to grownups,” Louis smirked.

“Are we really grownups though?” Zayn asked with a smirk as he lit up a cigarette.

“Ok maybe not completely but we’re at least a little bit more mature,” Louis defended.

“If you say so,” Zayn conceded.

“So what are you guys gonna do now that it’s official?” Niall asked the newlyweds, changing the subject.

“Lots of sex,” Harry replied cheekily and Louis rolled his eyes but kissed him anyways.

“We’re thinking about getting a house,” Louis told them and the boys all smiled.

“Hope you’re getting guest rooms as well,” Zayn said.

“Of course,” Harry replied. “You guys are family.”

“May put in a nursery too,” Louis added quietly and the smiles widened with quirked brows.

“Oh, Lou are you pregnant already?” Liam joked.

Louis stuck out his tongue cheekily. “Well first step is a house. Then, if all that works out, we’re thinking about adopting.”

“I mean it’s been just us for so long and you guys know we’ve both always wanted a big family so why wait?” Harry shrugged.

“Well you guys are gonna enjoy the honeymoon stage at least a little bit before you adopt, right?” Niall asked. “God knows I wish Zayn and I could’ve had more time before all this mess with Ellie started.”

“Oh duh,” Harry replied quickly. “We’ve got lots of lost time to make up for and holidays to go on. It’ll probably be at least a year before we start looking to adopt, right Lou?”

“Yeah,” Louis nodded. “We’re going to Paris for our honeymoon and then we were thinking about having a lad’s holiday in Ibiza when we get back so we can have one last throw down before Nialler here becomes a dad.”

“Well I still haven’t heard from Ellie so that might not be a thing anymore,” Niall shrugged.

“Still?” Harry asked.

“Yeah,” Niall nodded tiredly. “I mean I’ve tried apologizing. I’ve called and texted and she’s not biting.”

“But she can’t just keep your kid from you,” Louis told him.

Niall shrugged again, “Maybe it’s for the best.”

Zayn looked at Niall and pulled him in closer, brushing a thumb over the skin of his hand to let him know that he was there.

“Well for what it’s worth, we all know you would’ve made a great dad,” Harry tipped his beer at him.

“Thanks guys,” Niall smiled back at them as best as he could manage.

“Who wants a spliff?” Zayn suggested. Niall gave him a squeeze on his thigh as a thank you for taking the heat off of him as the boys all leaned in to watch Zayn attempt to light the end of the spliff in the bonfire without scorching his fingers off.

However, as Niall and Zayn laid curled in bed later that night, Zayn reopened the subject as he’d closed the book he’d been reading and took off his glasses.

“You know we could always adopt too,” he suggested casually and Niall looked at him in confusion. “All of this had shit timing but I know that this was something that you really wanted.”

“All I want is you, Zayn,” Niall said quietly as he rested his head on Zayn’s chest.

“That’s sweet but I know it’s not true,” Zayn pursed his lips as he ran his fingers through Niall’s still damp hair.

“It is though,” Niall told him earnestly as he looked up into Zayn’s eyes. “This year has been crazy and I’ve learned a lot but the biggest thing is that I never want to lose you again.”

“And I don’t want to lose you either,” Zayn said as he leaned down to give Niall a kiss on the shell of his ear. “That’s why I want us to have a baby. I want what you want.”

“You really mean that?” Niall looked up at Zayn with hopeful, bright eyes.

“I mean that,” Zayn assured him.

Niall inched up to press a soft kiss to Zayn’s lips and got a hand up into his husband’s raven hair as he straddled his hips and deepened the kiss.

“I love you so much,” he whispered into Zayn’s ear with a soft bite as he moved down to trail his tongue along Zayn’s neck.

“I love you too,” Zayn affirmed as he cupped Niall’s bum in his hands and Niall grinded down on top of him.

Zayn immediately went to work at getting Niall out of his shirt as he sucked down on the soft skin of his neck when Niall’s phone started to buzz.

Niall glanced at the phone with the intention to ignore the call but saw Ellie’s name on the screen and immediately froze.

“What’s wrong? Who is it?” Zayn asked, hands still caressing Niall’s sides.

“It’s um, it’s Ellie,” Niall stammered and Zayn’s kisses immediately stopped.

“Get it,” he urged him.

“Are you sure?” Niall asked as he moved off of Zayn to lean over and grab the phone.

“Yeah,” Zayn nodded with a smile and gave Niall a kiss on the cheek to reassure him.

“Hello?” Niall asked as he’d slid the bar to answer the call.  
“Niall, it’s Ellie. I’m at the hospital,” she said in a small croak.

“Why? Is everything alright?” Niall asked, sitting up in bed.

“My water broke. I’m in labor,” Ellie told him.

“But you still have a few more weeks left,” Niall said in concern.

“Well not anymore. It’s happening now. And I’m really scared,” she cried into the phone. “I know I told you to piss off and we haven’t talked in weeks but I’m here by myself and I need you. I don’t want to do this on my own. I can’t do this on my own.”

“You were never alone, Ellie. I’m on my way,” Niall told her before he hung up the phone and rushed out of bed to get himself dressed.

“What’s going on?” Zayn asked as he sat up worriedly.

“Ellie’s having the baby,” Niall told him as he hopped around trying to put on his shoes.

“But she still had like a month to go,” Zayn said in confusion.

“That’s what I thought too but apparently it’s happening tonight,” Niall explained quickly.

“Well um, do you want me to come with you?” Zayn asked.

“You’d do that?” Niall asked back.

“Of course,” Zayn said as he got out of bed to get dressed.

Niall didn’t say anything, only nodded in response as he went to start getting the baby bag and car seat ready. Everything was put together within a few minutes and Niall just threw on the first clothes he saw before he and Zayn rushed out of the door and to the car.

+++

When they arrived at the hospital, Ellie was curled around herself, moaning in pain. She wasn’t dilated enough for an epidural yet so she’d been left to suffer through the pain with a nurse at her side to accompany her so she wouldn’t be alone.

“El, hey,” Niall said, as he put the baby bag and car seat down and rushed over to her side.

“Niall,” Ellie said weakly as the nurse stepped away and she grabbed a hold of Niall’s hand.

“She’s only about 4 centimeters dilated so far so she’s got just a bit more time before she can get the epidural and a few hours before the baby is coming out. I suggested she take a walk or a bath,” the nurse informed them. “I’ll be in and out since you have someone here with you now but just press the button if you need anything, ok?”

Ellie nodded and rolled her eyes as she rested her head back against the pillow, “It hurts so bloody much.”

“Do you need anything?” Niall asked.

“For this bloody baby to stop tearing at my vagina,” Ellie groaned as she clutched her at her abdomen.

“Anything we can get?” Zayn clarified.

“No,” Ellie sighed. “You guys being here means a lot.”

“Maybe you should go on that walk like the nurse said,” Zayn suggested.

“Yeah, you won’t really be moving once you get the epidural,” Niall added.

“Fine,” Ellie groaned as she hauled herself up and slowly inched her way out of bed.

Niall took hold of her hand again and to his and Ellie’s surprise, Zayn stepped forward to help get Ellie out of the bed too.

“What time did your water break?” Niall asked as they steadily inched their way out of the door with Zayn dragging Ellie’s IV drip behind them.

“A few hours ago around like 6,” Ellie told them. “It feels like it was forever ago.”

“Well I’m glad you called me,” Niall told her.

“Really?” Ellie asked, looking between him and Zayn. Zayn nodded with a small smile.

“I thought you were gone for good,” Niall replied.

“I was stupid,” Ellie said, shaking her head. “So, so stupid.”

“You had every right to be mad,” Niall admitted. “I shouldn’t have said all that stuff.”

“Yeah, you should’ve,” Ellie countered. “You were happy. And I came and wrecked it all.”

“You’re having my baby,” Niall asserted. “It may not have been the best timing but I couldn’t have lived with myself if I knew she was out there but I chose myself over being her dad.”

“Well I’m still sorry,” Ellie looked down and then up at Zayn guiltily.

“She’s my daughter too,” Zayn stated solemnly and Niall’s heart skipped a beat hearing Zayn finally say those words.

“We’re a family,” Niall declared. “For better or for worse.”

“I want you to have her,” Ellie said and they all paused.

“What?” Niall retorted.

“I can’t be a mom,” Ellie shook her head. “I can’t give her the things she needs. Not like you guys can.”

Niall looked at Zayn and then back at Ellie in confusion. “I’m not just going to take her from you, Ellie.”

“You’re not taking her,” Ellie told him. “I’m giving her to you. I want you to have full custody.”

“Oh god,” Zayn muttered in distress.

“What makes you think that we could do any better of a job?” Niall asked.

“Because you have each other. And a stable environment with a roof over your heads. None of which are things I have,” Ellie reminded him.

“But you could,” Niall argued.

“But I can’t live with you forever, Niall. And with you guys, she’ll have a family. She has you guys, and your friends, and your parents. If I keep her, all she’ll have is me,” Ellie maintained.

“She can’t grow up without a mom,” Niall countered.

“And she won’t,” Ellie replied quickly. “I’m not saying that I don’t want to be in her life at all. I mean maybe I can take her on the weekends and during the summers and things like that. I want her to know me and I want her to know that I love her. But I have to do what’s best for her and that isn’t staying with me.”

“I think we should go back to your room,” Zayn stated as calmly as he could.

They trudged back to Ellie’s room in an uncomfortable silence and after Niall had helped her back into bed, Zayn grabbed his hand and dragged him back out into the hallway.

“She’s not doing this,” Zayn asserted.

“Zayn,” Niall started but Zayn quickly cut him off.

“Niall, no. I’m trying my best but she can’t just decide she doesn’t want to be a mom anymore and then spring the kid on us and play mommy on the weekends. That’s not fair,” Zayn argued.

“Look, I know this is fucked up and it’s not what I’d planned on either but I’m not giving Ellie this baby if she’s not going to take care of her. She can’t, Zayn,” Niall defended.

“I know that you said no to adoption but maybe you need to think about it,” Zayn urged him.

“I’m not letting her grow up thinking I didn’t want her,” Niall affirmed. “I know that this is gonna be hard, and I know that this isn’t what we planned but this is my _baby_. This is _our_ baby and I’m not letting her go. I can’t let her go, Zayn.”

Zayn shook his head, rolling his eyes as he let out a deep breath and Niall watched him carefully.

“Well I guess, we’re gonna be full time dads then, huh?” Zayn said with a small conceding smirk.

Niall gaped and his eyes widened incredulously before he hopped into Zayn’s arms, wrapping his legs around his waist and cupping Zayn’s stubbled cheeks in his hands. “So you’re still in?” Niall asked him.

 “I’m still in,” Zayn nodded with a bright smile and an excited kiss to Niall’s lips.

 

The walk had helped Ellie dilate the last centimeter to get her epidural so the doctors came in and prepped Ellie while Niall held her hand and Zayn laid with his arms crossed on the couch. It was nearing 1 am so they all settled in, Ellie now numb from the waist down in her bed while Zayn and Niall laid curled around each other on the couch, and tried their best to catch some sleep before the final stages of Ellie’s labor finally kicked in.

+++

“Okay everyone, it’s time,” the doctor said as he and the nurses filed into the room and woke Ellie and the boys up a few hours later.

“What time it?” Ellie asked groggily, as she tried her best to sit up despite her paralyzed state.

“It’s time to start pushing,” the nurse from earlier informed her.

“Really?” Ellie asked nervously.

“Really,” the doctor nodded. “The baby is already crowning.”

“Oh god, oh god,” Ellie panicked.

“It’s ok,” the nurse told her. “All you have to do is push.”

“I’m gonna go to the cafeteria,” Zayn said before rushing out of the room.

“Do you want me to stay?” Niall asked her cautiously.

“Please,” Ellie whispered. Niall nodded and immediately went to her side to hold her hand.

After 15 minutes of pushing and Ellie gripping Niall’s hand so tightly he thought she’d broken it (but she hadn’t because he was still able to use it to cut the umbilical cord), Isabella Grace Horan was born at 5:28 am on September 29, 2016. The moment that every fight, every tear, and every promise had been leading up to had finally come and as Niall looked at his daughter’s baby blue eyes and signature Horan nose and listened to the beautiful sound of her first cry, he knew that his life had been irrevocably changed but it was worth it.

When Zayn came back with three cups of green Jell-O in his hands, he paused at the sight of Niall and Ellie holding Isabella who’d been cleaned and wrapped in a powder pink blanket. He approached slowly and they both smiled up at him as the baby smacked her small pink lips and let out a little gurgle. He set the Jell-O down and Ellie smiled as she offered him the baby and carefully slid her into his arms. His heart raced until he finally dared to look down at the small newborn in his arms. She blinked up at him tiredly, her little eyelashes fluttering over her bright blue eyes and just before she closed her eyes again, Zayn could make out the tiniest of smiles on her lips.

In that instant, he looked back up at Ellie and Niall who were still watching him with nervous smiles, not sure what his reaction would be. He took a deep breath and then nodded his head.

“I’m in,” he vowed. “I’m all in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this has actually been finished since August but I forgot to upload. The final chapter of this work will be an epilogue that will most likely be posted by the end of this month/beginning of November. As always thank you guys for reading and I always love to read your thoughts so please shoot me a comment!


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